Why Does Something So Good Feel So Fake?

As you know, my parents are in music ministry. My dad is the Music and Worship Pastor at our church, and my mom is the pianist. I've pretty much lived my life in a church. Every day of the week, till all hours...I would often fall asleep on the office couch while waiting for my parents to finish whatever it was that they did.

I love my church. We're Southern Baptist in name, but we are so much more than that in spirit. In the past 2 years, God has grown our church into something that we never could have imagined. Every person there loves the Lord so much, and they want to serve Him with their lives. It's a truly beautiful thing.

But lately, I've been really struggling with my faith and how to make it real. Even at Bryan this past semester, it seemed like every worship chapel we had meant nothing to me. Every time I would try to sing or even pray, I couldn't find joy in it, and nothing I tried felt...real. It was as if I was performing for an audience constantly when I should be worshipping. But try as I might, I simply couldn't.

As I began to realize this was happening, I grew frustrated with my results and withdrew even more into myself spiritually. Now, to an outsider, I probably seemed perfectly normal; stressed out about homework and performances, hanging out with friends, laughing...but whenever I got close to a Bible or a church service of anykind...I froze up. It became so deeply ingrained that I was actually afraid of it. I didn't know what to do. I have been a Christian since I was six. I've never not been involved in church. What was wrong with me? What IS wrong with me?

Because sadly, it is something that I am still struggling with.

I had been hoping that being at home over the summer would help me find time to be more focused on the Lord and to get my priorities back in order. And maybe it will. All I know right now, though, is that today was the wierdest church experience I have ever had.

I agreed to sing a duet with my dad in church this morning. And I love singing with my father. But I was dreading it because I knew that when I got up in front of everyone, I would plaster a smile on my face and pretend like I meant every word, even if I didn't.

Because let's face it. I'm a performer through and through.

Both of my majors at Bryan are all about getting up in front of a crowd and pleasing them with what I have to offer...whether it be at the piano or in a theatrical production. Pretending to be something I'm not comes far too easy for me.

So as I walked up to the platform to sing today, I prepared myself for the amazing transformation from the person I know I am right now, to the person that everyone in my church expects me to be.

But I stood up there next to my dad...and it wouldn't happen. I literally could not bring myself to smile. And even when the song started and I began to sing...nothing happened. I was singing...I didn't mess up...my voice didn't crack...I didn't run out of breath...but I felt empty inside. Like I was lipsynching to a song that meant nothing to me. And I was singing about Jesus! But it was almost as if God was saying, "Alexis, why are you up here? You don't mean it right now." And I didn't. It was the worst feeling I have ever had.

I still don't know what's going on. I was talking to a friend, and she said, "I think you have to go down this road and discover if what you've believed your whole life is YOUR faith, or your parent's faith." And I think she's probably right. I mean, why do I believe in God? Why do I believe that Jesus died for me? I believe it because it's been poured into my life since I was a baby. And now I'm starting to think for myself, and figure out if Jesus is MY savior, or just someone else's that I heard about. If that makes sense.

So I'm on a journey, but it's pretty discouraging right now. I don't know where it's going to take me, and I don't know what's waiting at the end of it. But the only thing to do is take a step forward and hope it all works out after all. I would say I'm praying about it...but praying has been a tough thing to do lately too.

I hate it.

 But it's where I am.