I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away. But the wishes were still there.
-Elisabeth Elliot
***
Life is confusing as
All.
Get.
Out.
Mind-blowing, I know.
But really. I feel like I'm careening out of control towards who knows what...yet stuck in one place, unable to move towards anything.
Makes NO sense.
It's a terrifying place to be. And the past few days have consisted of me looking for jobs and pushing aside the constant nagging of my subconscious screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!?!?!?!"
I've been really discouraged about it, but I haven't told anybody. I'm done being the girl who complains about everything and is always freaking out about the latest plot twist in her life. Sure, there's a few people that have the delightful task of dealing with that side of me...but honestly? I haven't even told them what I've been feeling.
I've kept it locked away, nursing fear and giving "what-ifs" the prime time slot inside my head. Because there's nothing worse than making a huge life-changing decision...
And then finding yourself saying, ".......Crap."
As you know, I felt led by the Lord a few months ago to give up my dream of being an actress and completely surrender my future to Him, having no idea where He would lead me. It was a very difficult time...and it still is. I struggle with that decision everyday. It seems like I am constantly having to say "No. I followed the Lord. I'm on the right path. I can't want that anymore." And to be perfectly honest, it's exhausting. I keep wondering, shouldn't it be at least a little bit easier by now? It's been 4 months. I should be past the constant grieving. I should be excited about the unknown plan. I should be eagerly searching for new opportunities and passions.
Shouldn't I?
This has consumed me. And in the past 2 days, my entire way of thinking about this situation has been radically changed.
Both of my parents, at different times, brought up grad school to me. In case you don't know...I love school. Being done with college was never the end goal. I had always assumed that graduate school and possibly a doctorate were down the road. So the past few months have been difficult in that respect also; wanting to go back to school but having no idea what I would pursue.
Today I'm sitting in a booth at the Mexican restaurant with my dad, and he says "I want to tell you something. I don't think you should give up on your dreams so quickly. I understand that you feel like your desire to be on the stage and be a star was selfish and misplaced...but why do you have to give up everything to do with theatre? Why do you have to walk away from your greatest love?"
I just sat there...dumbfounded. Because I'd never really thought about it that way.
He kept going. "You want to know what I think? I think the Lord asked you to give up your dream and your love for theatre because He needed to know that you were willing to do it."
My dad continued to talk about Abraham and how God commanded him to sacrifice his only son...but at the last moment God stopped him. All He wanted was proof that Abraham was willing to put the Lord above anything else in his life. When that proof was presented, the Lord gave the sacrifice-his son-back to him.
"Alexis, God asked you to sacrifice something precious to you. And you did. It was incredibly hard, and painful, but you did it. Maybe the Lord just wanted proof of your willingness...and now you can have that dream back, but with a different perspective."
I didn't cry. But I sure wanted to.
So now I'm sitting in a coffeeshop, sipping apple cider with tears streaming down my face because I'm so overwhelmed.
I'm so afraid to hope that this could be what's happening. That my life can somehow be glorifying to God and be in line with His plan for me while I'm doing what I love more than anything else in the world.
So....I'm a little shaky right now. I feel vulnerable and very, very scared. But I'm taking baby steps; which means I'm going to allow myself to look at graduate schools again, and to at least consider the possibility of my crucified dreams being resurrected. Some of them anyway.
Pardon me while I revert back to my 16 year old self and quote a Barlow Girl song.
You say you have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world has yet to see
What You can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
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