Which makes sense as to why I'm writing yet again.
As I said in my last post, I spent the weekend at Passion, a conference in Atlanta for 18-25 year old kids. The main focus of the conference was what I wrote about before--realizing your role in Jesus' sacrifice and having a heart that beats with His love. Good stuff.
But since I wrote that post and have been thinking of the ways God forgave me and saved me, I find myself stuck on one particular concept.
Purity.
I'm looking at what I wrote right now, and I said, "He looks through my struggle with sexual sin and gives me purity." That's beautiful and eloquent and a wonderful image to hold onto, but what does it really mean? What does it look like to be given purity?
Now, this is going to get a little messy, and will probably make zero sense. So brace yourselves.
All my life, I've been taught that purity is the most excellent virtue a woman can have. Men want a woman who is pure, who has saved herself for marriage, who has not thrown her heart away on worthless scum, who is modest and sweet and gentle and kind and reserved and patient and chaste.
Let me just say this.
I may have been sweet, gentle, patient and chaste when I was 9.
Life changes you. And it changed me. A whole lot.
Now I look at myself and I see a woman who has a few tattered remains of a heart that once was untouched and whole. I see a woman who battles her thoughts every moment of every day and struggles to treat the men in her life as the brothers in Christ that they are. I see a woman who has allowed the most disgusting and unthinkable trash into her life and consequently, into her relationships.
I'm not pure.
Now, like I said yesterday, I know God has forgiven me. I can recite the jargon: that I'm washed clean and when He looks at me, He sees a pure and clean woman and that's all that matters and I can start again.
But that's just it. How do I start again?
It never fails to amaze me how Satan is so in tune with our lives, even though we probably never think about him being there. Whenever I have a really good "God moment" or have a revelation of some kind that brings me to the feet of the Lord, it seems like I am faced with a situation moments later that I either must conquer with my newfound courage...or be shattered due to my weakness and failure.
Yesterday was one of those moments. I had just had this beautiful dialogue with God and feeling His forgiveness flow over me...and then I was knocked flat by the reality of my sin through one conversation...only this time I wasn't able to feel forgiveness. Only regret. Only the ache of mistakes realized and choices made.
Is this cycle never to end? Am I always doomed to find someone that means the world to me, only to abuse, take advantage of and destroy them through my insanely deep need to have someone love me? Even thinking about it makes me sick. I can't tell you how many friendships with guys have been ruined because of me and my desperate desire to be wanted. And every time...I end up abandoned. And I try to put the blame on them, to say that they didn't care enough, that they gave up, that they didn't think I was worth it...but really it's all my fault.
Don't ask me when I'll finally feel pure. Because right now I feel equivalent to a stinking bog of sewage and filth. And I don't expect that to go away anytime soon.
But I do know a few things.
One is that I'm done doing this.
I'm done with the selfishness, done with throwing myself at my brothers in Christ because I'm lonely.
I'm done with the flirting and seducing in order to make sure they're focused on me and won't run away.
I'm done with the begging and pleading for their love and commitment. How can I expect either one when I so freely give both at any time?
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not going to turn into one of those "I'll sit quietly at home, work on my cross stitching and one day, my prince will come to the door and somehow have found me while I was just here, waiting for him." No. That's not it either. Not at all.
But I can't be rejected again. I can't hurt anyone again. I can't watch myself shred another heart or lead another away from the true Lover of their souls. I just can't.
I don't know that I will feel pure for a long time. But I do know that I can change the way I look at men around me.
It probably means I'll be a lot more lonely, and ask myself everyday what's wrong with me. It probably means I'll rethink this decision on a regular basis and be tempted constantly to find love and acceptance where it won't last.
But maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that my heart's been glued, my needs fulfilled, and have the satisfaction of knowing that doing the right, pure, godly thing-
It totally sucks.
But it's gonna be so worth it.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives.
-Galatians 6:24-25
I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far into the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
-Ephesians 3:20
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