Sinking in Sin, Drowning in Grace.

How do you think Jesus felt when our sin was thrown on Him?

This is a question that I had never really thought about, and this past weekend at Passion I began to think about it quite a bit. One of the speakers talked about the concept of our sin literally crushing Christ. 

It destroyed Him. 

It mutilated Him. 

It shamed Him in front of all of heaven. 

It was so disgusting and so unbearable that God had to turn His back in order to be cleansed from the sight.

It took me awhile to wrap my head around that. My sin, things that I have done, murdered Jesus.

Did He cringe when He felt every lie I’ve ever spoken lashed onto His back? 

Did He blink back tears as the thorns of hurtful words I have thrust into others’ lives were thrust into His skull? 

Was it my lost battle with pornography that raged on for years that made Him collapse in agony?

Or was it my countless cycles of lust, seduction and selfishness that squeezed the blood from his body?

I began to think of everything I’ve done; every mistake, every failure, every regret. And the guilt washed over me like a tsunami.

 All I could see was Him…lying there, with me driving the spikes into His hands, wanting to stop, but unable to. 

Because I’m nothing more than a pathetic

dirty 

selfish 

disgusting

perverted

unfaithful 

human being. 

And I am hopelessly tarnished, tainted and ruined.

But then, in my mind-swirling around with these emotions out of control-I look up.

I look up…and I see the cross. 

And I see Jesus. 

And He’s looking at me.

Struggling to breathe, and without uttering a word, He gazes into me. 

Not at me. 

INTO me. 

And in that moment, He looks through all of my filth, grime and nastiness and sees my soul.

He looks through my lies and gives me truth.

He looks through my anger and gives me compassion.

He looks through my struggle with sexual sin and gives me purity.

He looks through my need to be loved and gives me HIS love.

And I fall in love with Him, for I know He has been in love with me since before time began.

Yes, my sin is the cause. My sin crushes Him. My sin wounds Him. My sin condemns Him.

But by His wounds-I am healed.

In that moment, His life ends and mine begins; and I feel nothing but an overwhelming gratitude for a debt that will never be repaid.

Words are inadequate. Nothing but love remains.

Simple, unadulterated love for me. 

And the grace to live each day that remains striving to reach the standard set for us...

By the cross.