Week #16: Pros and Cons.

My 2016

Week #16

Pros and Cons.

So, it's safe to say that 90% of my past week has been consumed with our production of Love's Labour's Lost, which is opening on Tuesday. 2 days! It's crazy to think about how much work has gone into this show, especially in the last week. The theatre department has been working like CRAZY to get everything ready, and it's hard to believe that opening night is almost here.

As I was thinking back over the past week, I realized that there were a lot of highs....but also a lot of lows. So I decided to make a pros and cons list. Cause why not.

In my Theories of Performance class, we watched an interview with British actor Tom Hiddleston. Most of you probably know him for his role as Loki in Thor/The Avengers, but he's actually an incredibly gifted stage actor. Near the end of the interview, an audience member asked him if he had any advice for future actors, and his response has stuck with me all week:

"I believe that actors are in the business of truth and holding the mirror up to nature. It's our job to represent humanity in all of its virtue and fallibility and frailty and honesty and complexity and contradiction. The thing about acting is you are using all your experience and all your emotion and all of your thoughts and feelings to represent just that...human beings.

 So I suppose my simple advice is: Love your life. I only say that because your life is what you have to give. Sometimes, if you have a good day or a bad day, that day might be what you need to call upon to play a particular part.

'This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.'"

I mean, wow. 'Pro.'

That night, we got out of rehearsal around 10:00, and a bunch of us decided to go to Applebee's on a Monday because we just weren't ready for the week and wanted half off appetizers. Despite the awfulness of waking up the next morning, I was SO glad we decided to do that. It was a much needed fun time. 'Pro.'

Later that week I found myself working during shop hours, and I proceeded to pre drill my shirt. As in a pre drill got stuck in my shirt and ripped it apart. #mylife (And yes, that counts as a 'con.')

I've also been spending a lot of time dealing with actors. (You're most likely thinking, 'She's an actor, right?') As of right now, I don't really consider myself an actor. I haven't done anything since fall quarter, and right now I'm an AD/Director, so acting isn't really in my radar. As a non-actor, sometimes it's tricky and stressful to handle actors. Anyone in theatre will tell you that actors are some of the most insecure and needy people on the face of the earth. I never thought that was true until I saw things form the other side...let me tell you, it can be frustrating. Definite 'con.'

However, despite the several 'cons' happening around me, this week ended on a positive note. Most of us spent two entire days at the theatre, working on the set for Love's Labour's Lost. I ended up making some new friends and getting to know other ones even better. It was a surprisingly pleasant weekend, despite the insane amount of work going on. It was a wonderful 'pro.'

This week was a roller coaster of exhaustion, friendship, quality time, sawdust, brown paint, and taking notes. And that is actually a great combination.

Everything's about to get real, my readers, and I'm ready for it. Finally.

Week #15: Sometimes There's Nothing to Say.

My 2016

Week #15

Sometimes There's Nothing to Say.

I spent quite some time sitting in front of my computer today, trying to put words together, trying to sum up this past week. 

But to be perfectly honest, I don't have a lot to say. 

It was an exhausting week. When we weren't slaving away on the set for Love's Labour's Lost, we were in a 48 hour work call for our final LTCA event, hosting the Elisa Monte Dance Company. (If you've never prepped a space for a dance show, it is RIDICULOUS.) We were all running on fumes and the week wasn't even halfway over. On Saturday we had another work call to catch up on LLL work, and then that evening we hosted a workshop with a former alum of the program and a Disney casting director. All of these things were lovely, but all in one week? Everyone was practically dragging themselves around the building, and now it's Sunday evening. Another week is about to begin, and we've hardly had a chance to catch our breaths.

On top of that, my roommate and I found out that we had lost our apartment for next year, and long story short, I'm now looking for off campus housing. 

This picture was taken while prepping for LTCA, and it makes me smile...because while I'd like to think I'm balancing everything in my life perfectly, posing happily so that the people around me will see me and think "She's doing so great! She's totally got everything together." But the truth is...I'm actually like Anne in the background, watching everything topple and inwardly screaming at the potential wreckage. 

But, despite all of the stress and ridiculous lack of sleep and the homework piling up and the events still waiting to happen...it's going to be over soon, it's going to all work out, and it's going to be ok. 

Somehow.

I know this is short, but as I said before, sometimes so much happens in a week that you can't find the words to describe it. 

Suffice it to say--I survived. 

Week #14: The Lesson of "No."

My 2016

Week #14

The Lesson of "No."

Just read the poem above. Tyler Knott Gregson is probably my favorite contemporary poet; it often feels that the poems he writes are directed straight at me. 

"Everything adds up to test everything you think you're made of." 

I absolutely love that sentence. And it sums up this past week quite perfectly, if I'm being honest.

At the beginning of the week, I had a long conversation with my professor about the show I'm directing, and about many things involving the production. It was a beyond encouraging talk, and I left it feeling much more confident about my abilities, the progress of the show, and with one particular sentence he said seared into my brain:

"You realize that you can say 'no,' right? The word 'no' is a complete sentence--don't be afraid to use it."

This isn't the first time someone has told me that. Saying 'no' has been a constant struggle in my life; probably because I've never known my parents to say 'no' to anything. My family is always functioning at 110 miles per hour. We push ourselves to exhaustion because we're in charge of everything. My parents are not only the music and worship ministry team leaders at our church, but my mom leads children's choir, children's mission organizations, directs multiple plays every year with a homeschool drama troupe, teaches piano several days a week, and serves on a women's ministry team. My dad directs the choir, leads the praise team, practically runs the church office, also runs like 8 miles a day, and probably does about 10 other things I don't know about. That's the way my life has always been; I grew up without the words "Sorry, I don't have time for that." We made time.

I don't say all of that like it's a terrible thing; I value the work ethic my parents instilled in me. It has helped me succeed tremendously well throughout college and now grad school. But finding myself in Spring Quarter with all of these responsibilities weighing on me...something has to give. And I hear Paul's words in my head: "You can say no."

So I mentally told myself at the beginning of the week that I would try to find a few situations in which I could say no. Just to see how it went. Hopefully my entire world wouldn't fall apart. 

But here's the weird thing: throughout the week, I found that the instances where I ended up saying 'no' were more directed at myself instead of other people. I found that more often than not, I needed to tell myself, "No, Lex, slow down. Don't pick up another burden. You can let that one go." Here's some examples.

On Monday night, I was in charge of Love's Labour's Lost rehearsal because Paul wasn't going to be there. We were doing specific monologue work with a few of the major characters. I had tried to prepare so that I could actually be helpful to the people who were coming, and of course I was nervous about it. Everything was going well until one of the girls came in and said, "I have no idea what this monologue is saying, can you help me?" We pored over it for about 10 minutes before I finally said, "I'm sorry, I really have no idea. I think you're going to need to ask Paul for help on this one." I could have kept stressing and forced myself to figure it out, but I heard this voice deep down saying, "No, Lex. This isn't worth the stress. Let this one go." So I did.

On Thursday, I had a rather unpleasant altercation with a colleague, and it was weighing on me. That evening, I was once again in charge of rehearsal, and that colleague would be present for most of the rehearsal period. Sometimes I struggle with holding on to hurt and grievances from others, but before the rehearsal started I told myself, "No, Lex. You can't let this affect your ability to direct and be professional. You have to let it go." So I did.

On Friday I had to have a difficult conversation with my supervisor, and I was worried about disappointing him, about letting him down. But as the conversation was progressing, I was finally able to say to myself, "No, Lex.You need to think about what's best for you for once, and not focus on your crippling fear of disappointing others. You have to let that go." So I did...and the freedom I experienced in that moment was exhilarating.

So, what I'm trying to say through all of this jumbled mess is that I do need to start saying no...but sometimes saying no to yourself is just as vital.

I read the above poem again. 

"What will we tell the people we become if we do not stay, if we do not stand and hold?" 

I think that is a noble statement...

But what if sometimes standing and holding actually means standing and holding onto ourselves? What if it means that in order to keep our sanity, to keep our true selves intact, we have to let go of the unrealistic expectations and burdens we put on our own shoulders? 

Yes, everything adds up to test everything we think we're made of, but I don't want to look in the mirror after the test and find the real me crumbling under the pressure of labels and rules I've made for myself. 

Losing who I really am due to unnecessary stress and anxiety is not worth it. 

Standing and holding can also mean stepping back and letting go of what isn't going to matter in the end.

I started a new book today titled "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards," and the first chapter contains this quote:

"You can say no, and no one will die...Wise women know what to hold onto and what to release, and how to walk confidently in their choices--no regrets, no apologies, no guilt."

That's what I want. That's what I'm going to start striving for...even if it means letting go of things I never thought I would. 

Here's to a brand new week of finding what's worth clutching tightly--and what's not.  

Week #13: Finding Confidence In the Chaos.

My 2016

Week #13

Finding Confidence in the Chaos.

Oh man. This week was one of....those weeks. 

After coming back from Easter break, I quickly realized that my life would now be a full-out sprint to the finish line (AKA May 20, the end of spring quarter). There are no more days off, only 8 more weeks of a steady uphill climb. It was a little daunting.

To be honest, my life right now feels like the above picture; a conglomeration of objects pieced together in an attempt to create something coherent, something solid and reliable. The state of my sanity at this particular time feels very much like that picture...out of line, off center, missing vital components. Our graduate showcase is, according to my professor, "in a really good place," but to me, it feels the complete opposite. I have felt so much pressure in every area of my life, whether that be this showcase or the class I'm going to be teaching in a few weeks, or leading rehearsals for our mainstage production of Love's Labour's Lost, or heading up set building projects. I know that grad school is about stretching ourselves and pushing past our limits in order to grow, but right now all I feel is that the possibility of failure is lurking from about 4 different directions, and failure is just not an option for any of them.

Think about it. My career goal is to graduate from here and find a job teaching theatre in a college or university. I'm going to have to TEACH. I'm going to have to DIRECT. I'm going to have to BUILD SETS. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me for what I claim I want to do in the future. So why am I finding myself so wracked with stress and panic about all of it?

Because I think, deep down, I'm terrified of discovering that my dream, that my career objective is completely unfounded and I actually lack all of the natural talent necessary to fulfill my goals.

I know this is ridiculous to a certain extent. I wouldn't be in grad school if I didn't possess some amount of skill. But it's terrifying to realize that everything you want to do is hinging on how well you succeed during the next few weeks. 

I'm not quite sure how to proceed from here. I feel that I'm faking it a lot of the time. "Fake it till you make it" has never been so true for me. Faking confidence, faking creativity, faking leadership...

When will it finally stop being an act and become second nature? I'm so ready.

This is what I want to do with my life, I know it is. I just need to be brave enough to jump in with everything I've got. 

And...if I fall on my face after that risky jump, I need to have the confidence to stand up, brush myself off and try again. 

*deep breath*

Let's do this.