My 2016
Week #13
Finding Confidence in the Chaos.
Oh man. This week was one of....those weeks.
After coming back from Easter break, I quickly realized that my life would now be a full-out sprint to the finish line (AKA May 20, the end of spring quarter). There are no more days off, only 8 more weeks of a steady uphill climb. It was a little daunting.
To be honest, my life right now feels like the above picture; a conglomeration of objects pieced together in an attempt to create something coherent, something solid and reliable. The state of my sanity at this particular time feels very much like that picture...out of line, off center, missing vital components. Our graduate showcase is, according to my professor, "in a really good place," but to me, it feels the complete opposite. I have felt so much pressure in every area of my life, whether that be this showcase or the class I'm going to be teaching in a few weeks, or leading rehearsals for our mainstage production of Love's Labour's Lost, or heading up set building projects. I know that grad school is about stretching ourselves and pushing past our limits in order to grow, but right now all I feel is that the possibility of failure is lurking from about 4 different directions, and failure is just not an option for any of them.
Think about it. My career goal is to graduate from here and find a job teaching theatre in a college or university. I'm going to have to TEACH. I'm going to have to DIRECT. I'm going to have to BUILD SETS. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me for what I claim I want to do in the future. So why am I finding myself so wracked with stress and panic about all of it?
Because I think, deep down, I'm terrified of discovering that my dream, that my career objective is completely unfounded and I actually lack all of the natural talent necessary to fulfill my goals.
I know this is ridiculous to a certain extent. I wouldn't be in grad school if I didn't possess some amount of skill. But it's terrifying to realize that everything you want to do is hinging on how well you succeed during the next few weeks.
I'm not quite sure how to proceed from here. I feel that I'm faking it a lot of the time. "Fake it till you make it" has never been so true for me. Faking confidence, faking creativity, faking leadership...
When will it finally stop being an act and become second nature? I'm so ready.
This is what I want to do with my life, I know it is. I just need to be brave enough to jump in with everything I've got.
And...if I fall on my face after that risky jump, I need to have the confidence to stand up, brush myself off and try again.
*deep breath*
Let's do this.
When you read the comment below, I want you to read it with Morgan Freeman's voice in your head...
ReplyDeleteWhat if I told you that those fears and doubts and nerves are shared by every single theatre graduate student I've even know (myself included)? What if I told you that one sign of an outstanding student is caring enough to be terrified of being unfit for your dream? And what if I told you that, in spite of all of those feelings, you will learn, grow, prevail, and thrive?
Because you will.