Week #14: The Lesson of "No."

My 2016

Week #14

The Lesson of "No."

Just read the poem above. Tyler Knott Gregson is probably my favorite contemporary poet; it often feels that the poems he writes are directed straight at me. 

"Everything adds up to test everything you think you're made of." 

I absolutely love that sentence. And it sums up this past week quite perfectly, if I'm being honest.

At the beginning of the week, I had a long conversation with my professor about the show I'm directing, and about many things involving the production. It was a beyond encouraging talk, and I left it feeling much more confident about my abilities, the progress of the show, and with one particular sentence he said seared into my brain:

"You realize that you can say 'no,' right? The word 'no' is a complete sentence--don't be afraid to use it."

This isn't the first time someone has told me that. Saying 'no' has been a constant struggle in my life; probably because I've never known my parents to say 'no' to anything. My family is always functioning at 110 miles per hour. We push ourselves to exhaustion because we're in charge of everything. My parents are not only the music and worship ministry team leaders at our church, but my mom leads children's choir, children's mission organizations, directs multiple plays every year with a homeschool drama troupe, teaches piano several days a week, and serves on a women's ministry team. My dad directs the choir, leads the praise team, practically runs the church office, also runs like 8 miles a day, and probably does about 10 other things I don't know about. That's the way my life has always been; I grew up without the words "Sorry, I don't have time for that." We made time.

I don't say all of that like it's a terrible thing; I value the work ethic my parents instilled in me. It has helped me succeed tremendously well throughout college and now grad school. But finding myself in Spring Quarter with all of these responsibilities weighing on me...something has to give. And I hear Paul's words in my head: "You can say no."

So I mentally told myself at the beginning of the week that I would try to find a few situations in which I could say no. Just to see how it went. Hopefully my entire world wouldn't fall apart. 

But here's the weird thing: throughout the week, I found that the instances where I ended up saying 'no' were more directed at myself instead of other people. I found that more often than not, I needed to tell myself, "No, Lex, slow down. Don't pick up another burden. You can let that one go." Here's some examples.

On Monday night, I was in charge of Love's Labour's Lost rehearsal because Paul wasn't going to be there. We were doing specific monologue work with a few of the major characters. I had tried to prepare so that I could actually be helpful to the people who were coming, and of course I was nervous about it. Everything was going well until one of the girls came in and said, "I have no idea what this monologue is saying, can you help me?" We pored over it for about 10 minutes before I finally said, "I'm sorry, I really have no idea. I think you're going to need to ask Paul for help on this one." I could have kept stressing and forced myself to figure it out, but I heard this voice deep down saying, "No, Lex. This isn't worth the stress. Let this one go." So I did.

On Thursday, I had a rather unpleasant altercation with a colleague, and it was weighing on me. That evening, I was once again in charge of rehearsal, and that colleague would be present for most of the rehearsal period. Sometimes I struggle with holding on to hurt and grievances from others, but before the rehearsal started I told myself, "No, Lex. You can't let this affect your ability to direct and be professional. You have to let it go." So I did.

On Friday I had to have a difficult conversation with my supervisor, and I was worried about disappointing him, about letting him down. But as the conversation was progressing, I was finally able to say to myself, "No, Lex.You need to think about what's best for you for once, and not focus on your crippling fear of disappointing others. You have to let that go." So I did...and the freedom I experienced in that moment was exhilarating.

So, what I'm trying to say through all of this jumbled mess is that I do need to start saying no...but sometimes saying no to yourself is just as vital.

I read the above poem again. 

"What will we tell the people we become if we do not stay, if we do not stand and hold?" 

I think that is a noble statement...

But what if sometimes standing and holding actually means standing and holding onto ourselves? What if it means that in order to keep our sanity, to keep our true selves intact, we have to let go of the unrealistic expectations and burdens we put on our own shoulders? 

Yes, everything adds up to test everything we think we're made of, but I don't want to look in the mirror after the test and find the real me crumbling under the pressure of labels and rules I've made for myself. 

Losing who I really am due to unnecessary stress and anxiety is not worth it. 

Standing and holding can also mean stepping back and letting go of what isn't going to matter in the end.

I started a new book today titled "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards," and the first chapter contains this quote:

"You can say no, and no one will die...Wise women know what to hold onto and what to release, and how to walk confidently in their choices--no regrets, no apologies, no guilt."

That's what I want. That's what I'm going to start striving for...even if it means letting go of things I never thought I would. 

Here's to a brand new week of finding what's worth clutching tightly--and what's not.