Week #21: A Tennessee Summer.

My 2016

Week #21

A Tennessee Summer.

I'm one week into my summer gig as a stage manager for Cumberland County Playhouse. I've also spent the past week trying to catch dinner, coffee or movie nights with all of the friends I have in the area. I'm currently living with my best friend and her family until my apartment I'm subletting opens up. 

It's been a good week. A week of remembering why I love Dayton, TN so freaking much.

My job is not what I thought it would be (but then, when is that ever the case?). I've never stage managed for ANYTHING before, so to be put in charge of a production like this is terrifying. Combine that with some short term memory issues that one of the leaders has and it makes a rather capricious situation. But I'm figuring it out...little by little. In a moment of clarity that is VERY much unlike me, I decided not to stress over it, but take it one day at a time.

Maybe I'm actually growing up a little after all?

This post will be short, because this week has been one of hearing "hello," "I've missed you so much," and "I'm so glad we have all summer to see each other." When I'm not working, I'm laying out at the pool attempting to get a decent tan, or curled up on the couch with my second family enjoying the feeling of familiar surroundings once again. 

So many things, so many people that are near and dear to my heart...right here, all summer long. Only a short drive away instead of 16 hours and a time zone separating us.

This summer is going to be wonderful.

Week #20: Goodbyes That Hurt Are Goodbyes That Matter.

My 2016

Week #20

Goodbyes That Hurt Are Goodbyes That Matter.

Well, it's official. An entire school year has been completed, and right now I'm writing this from a couch in my living room in Appomattox, Virginia. I finally made it home, and I couldn't be happier about it.

As I finished packing up my apartment and was laying in bed on Friday night, I realized that due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had completely missed saying goodbye to almost everybody in the theatre department. This is SO unlike me; usually I am running all over the place, trying to find everyone for one last hug and "see you in 3 months." I value goodbyes. I need closure with people.

There's also something else you need to know. This year was a rough one; I felt lonely and isolated for a majority of it, and it was only during spring quarter that I truly began to make real friends and feel like I belonged with a group of people. To find myself so sad about leaving made me indescribably happy, because it showed me that I finally had a family at LA Tech. Goodbyes that hurt are goodbyes that matter. To miss people means that you have a connection with them, that they are a part of you. I'm so grateful to have felt the pain that comes with separating from true friends. 

So it really bothered me that I had so many people in Ruston that I wouldn't be able to see before I left. It felt like I was running away from every friend I had made over the past year, when in actuality it couldn't be farther from the truth. Therefore, here's my lame attempt at saying goodbye to a few of the amazing people I got to know while at Tech. 

Olivia: Even though we never see each other anymore, I am so thankful that we became friends. Through Alice and our random lunch dates, I got to know you and appreciate your genuine friendship. Thank you for reaching out and for always making me laugh. Let's try to do better about hanging out next year, ok? I love you.

Jess: I know I've said this before, but I admire you so much. Your work ethic inspires me daily, and your humility from day to day constantly amazes me. You have so much talent, and I'm beyond happy to be able to go through this grad school experience alongside you. Thank you for all of your encouragement and support this year, and more importantly, thank you for being my friend.

Millie: I know I actually had the chance to say goodbye to you, but I wouldn't have made it through this year without you. Thank you for your daily "ALEXXXXXXXXXISSSSSSSS" as you walked down the hall for class. Thank you for the coffee dates we had. Thank you for constantly lifting me up and believing in me, even when I was stressed beyond belief. Thank you for being the amazing actress that you are. Thank you for consistently encouraging me. I'm so glad I know you. :)

Michele: I have told you this countless times, but you are without a doubt the biggest inspiration to me at Tech. I am in constant awe of your talent, your attention to detail and your perseverance. Thank you for being such an incredible role model for me, and for being the best PSM I could have ever asked for. I'm so glad we have one more year together.

Rebecca: You were my first roommate, and your sass always makes me laugh. Thank you for letting me rant when I needed to, and for helping me chase a dream, even if it ended up not working out. I'll miss you so much next year, but you're going to be amazing at UNC. Now go kick butt! 

Ashley: Like I told you at the cast party, I really want to spend more time with you next year. Since we both have RBF, we keep missing each other, but let's change that! I really like you and I think we can be wonderful friends. Let's make it happen. Side Note: I can't thank you enough for hooking me up with this apartment possibility. If I get it I will love you forever. ;)

Liam: All jokes aside (and we have too many), I am thankful for you. You are a wonderfully decent guy, and I am so blessed to have you as a friend. Thank you for making my coffee, for making me laugh and for helping me make sense of shop tools. Love you!

Maggie: GIRL. I am so glad I got to know you this last quarter! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me crash your friend times with Allison and for immediately loving/accepting me. I love our little group (I mean troupe), and I cannot wait to spend even more time together next year. I love you so much!

Anne: Seriously, where have you been all year?! I cannot WAIT to spend more time with you next fall. You need to get your butt involved in the department and I want to hang out all the time. Thank you for being so funny, so supportive and so easy to talk to! You're wonderful :) 

Mitchell: Ok, so I realize we only hung out for one lunch and one night, but I had SO much fun with you. Can we please do more of this next year? Just from the conversation we had, I can tell that you are an incredibly awesome guy, and I think getting to know you would literally be the best ever. So if you're up for it, I sure am! :) 

Eric: Like I said to Mitchell, we should definitely hang out on a regular basis. It was great getting to work on the set a bit with you (even if you did see me pre-drill my shirt) and I would love to see you around the department more often! 

Allison: You know how I feel about you, so I don't even need to say anything. Thank you for being one of the best friends I have on campus. You're loyal, you're trustworthy and you're amazing. I love you.

Johnny: I wish I had gotten to know you sooner, and it sucks that you graduated. Thank you for the few meaningful conversations we had...and I'm so glad we got to laugh together as much as we did. I know you're going to do amazing things, and I hope that one day our paths cross again. 

Katie: You are my best friend at Louisiana Tech, and I cannot express how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving me like you do, for our countless lunch dates, for how much we laugh, for introducing me to Hamilton, for pouring into me spiritually as well as in every other possible way, and for just being there whenever I need you. I love you so, so, so, so much. 

To anyone else I missed before I left: thank you for making my first year of grad school so memorable. I can't wait to make more memories next year.

I love you all.

Week #19: One Year Down.

My 2016

Week #19

One Year Down.

It's crazy to think that this time next week, I'll be in Appomattox. I'll be home. And this entire year of grad school will be just a memory. 

How am I halfway done with my master's degree already?

This past week has been a crazy one (but really, aren't they all?). Since No Exit was now over...and I just realized I never mentioned how it went. Quick detour--

(No Exit was FANTASTIC. It came together in a way that I never expected and truly exceeded my expectations. The feedback I received from faculty and audience members was helpful and instructive, and I am so beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to watch something I directed come to life right before me. Such a wonderful moment. Ok, back to this week.)

Sine No Exit was now over, I sat down with my planner and quickly realized that I had quite a few large projects/papers/assignments due over the next week...all of which I had been putting off. This is not the way I normally tackle homework, so needless to say, I was extremely stressed about it. On top of that, this week was also induction week for APO, a national honor society for theatre. I was extremely excited to have been asked to join APO, but it could not have come at a worse time in the quarter. I felt guilty for not participating in all of the "initiate bonding" exercises they had going on. However, I also felt that school work and teaching responsibilities were more important. It was a constant struggle, but at the end of the week we had our initiation ceremony and I was officially accepted as a member of APO. I'm honored to be a part of such a wonderful society, and I can't wait to participate more actively next year. 

Last night was Tech Tony's, a night when the theatre department (along with donors and major supporters of the program) come together and give out awards and scholarships to students. Much like the actual Tony's, we give out Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Production, Best Scenic Design, and a lot of other awards. It was my first time experiencing it, and it was so fun to dress up and have the opportunity to formally acknowledge all of the hard work that went into the 3 shows from this season. I was also incredibly honored to receive the Merritt Performing Arts Scholarship, given to a student who excels in both music and theatre during their time at LA Tech. It was great to look back on everything we accomplished as a department this year and to get excited about what's coming next. 

After it was over, we got all of the first year grad students together for a picture, and it hit me: we're done. I have a database, a paper and a production report to turn in....and I'm DONE. We're going to be second year grad students; we're going to be the leaders, the ones who know what's going on, the ones who can help the new kids. We're not the newbies anymore. (Thank God.)

I'm looking at the picture above, and I'm thinking back over the past year. 

There are people missing from this pictures. (Love you always, Shea.) 

Next year, there will be people missing as well. (We'll miss you, Rebecca.) 

We've all had our ups and downs, our little spats and reconciliations. 

We've shared homework woes and supervisor frustrations. 

But we all started this thing as an overwhelmed, amazing group, and I'm so glad that we have one more year to know each other, work together and grow together. 

Congrats on a great first year of grad school, fam. We're halfway there! 

Week 18: Quarter-Life Crisis.

My 2016

Week #18

Quarter-Life Crisis.

Hey, ya'll.

I'm 25 today.

TWENTY FREAKING FIVE.

It definitely has not sunk in yet, and I'm honestly not sure when it's going to. About a week ago, someone made a passing comment about it and I almost had a freak out. 25 is FIVE years away from 30.

I am NOT ready to be 30. That's only 10 years away from 40.

THEN FIFTY.

I don't feel 25. (Well, sometimes I do. Sometimes my body hurts for no reason and I feel much older than that.) I don't feel that I've really been alive for twenty-five whole years...for 9,125 days.

It's been kind of an emotional thing for me. My mother raised me with each birthday being a huge, fantastic event full of parties, presents, people and a big to-do for the entire 24 hours. I loved my birthday...from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, my birthday was PERFECT. 

Now that I'm a grownup and on my own, birthdays aren't quite as special. I'm spending pretty much the whole day alone, and last night I made a to-do list for today that said "Clean apartment/do laundry/work on homework." Super fun birthday activities.

Anyway, last night I got really sad...because fun fact about me:

I can actually be a very sappy, sentimental freak about a few things. Birthdays are one of them. For as long as I can remember, the night before my birthday I would cry and mourn the age that I was about to say goodbye to for the rest of my life. I can still recall writing in my journal when I turned 13, saying "I'm about to be 13, a teenager at last...but I'll never be 12 again. I'll never be able to go back to being a kid. Those days are gone forever."

Man, I was a pretty serious child. 

So, every year, the same thing has happened. I am looking forward to my birthday, but right before midnight I go through this mourning period for the year I've just lived. Last night was no different. I was sitting in my car, talking to Allison and Johnny from about 11:00-1:00 am, and so we passed right by my midnight "hour of change." While we were talking, I was mentally going through the past year and reflecting on everything I experienced as a 24 year old. And I realized some things.

24 was a crazy year. I:

-Lived in Knoxville with Emilie. 

-Watched most of my best friends from college graduate and move away (most of which I haven't seen since that day and it breaks my heart).

-Stood beside one of my favorite people as he married the love of his life.

-Moved back home to Appomattox.

-Started grad school (one of the scariest experiences of my life).

-Wanted to leave grad school.

-Learned how to work in a theatre scene shop (and actually do pretty ok at it).

-Figured out how to teach small children to love theatre.

-Almost died planning a Royal Tea.

-Made friends in grad school.

-Rediscovered my passion for directing.

-Became a leader in my program.

-Finally found my place here at Tech.

-Experienced the wonderfulness of directing my own production.

-Figured out what my career goals/dreams really are. (If you don't know me, that's a HUGE deal.)

-Spent another entire year single, but couldn't be happier about it. 

-Found confidence in who I really am.

24 was an overwhelming year; full of changes, moves, uncertainty, loss of friendships, gaining new friendships, learning things I never knew, expanding my abilities and so much more. I'm sad to see yet another year of my 20s disappear, but I know without a doubt that my life is beautiful and lovely...and I cannot wait to see where 25 takes me.

After all, I still have five more years before I REALLY have a crisis, right?

Week 17: We're Almost There.

My 2016

Week #17

We're Almost There.

This is going to be one of those blog posts where I don't have a lot to say...mostly because I'm completely exhausted and am having trouble formulating my thoughts.

A lot has happened this week; a whole lot. We opened Love's Labour's Lost on Tuesday, and it was a wonderful opening. We had great audiences every night, and the cast and crew did an amazing job. I was so proud to sit out in the audience and watch everything come together, just as we knew it would. 

On Thursday, my college roommate Emilie came to visit and to see the show. She is going to be attending LA Tech in the fall as a grad student, and I am beyond excited to have her here with me. It felt so wonderful to have her on campus, to meet my friends and get to know the department. Next year is going to be AMAZING!

Today was the final performance, and as we tore down the set (which hurt my heart because we'd slaved away for weeks on that beauty), I was flooded with thankfulness for the entire experience, as exhausting as it was. This production not only helped me grow as a director, but gave me some amazing friendships. I was able to hang out, eat, laugh hysterically, joke, and be myself around people in a way I hadn't been able to until now. I'm finally figuring out who my real friends are, and it's a wonderful feeling. (Here's to you, Allison, Maggie, Colton, Millie, Jess, Michele, and Liam. Thanks for being who you are to me.)

That's really all I have to say. This next week is going to be another doozy. 

I'm teaching for the very first time on Tuesday. (Am I ready? NO.)

We have 3 rehearsals left for No Exit. (Are we ready? I think so.)

I have several other projects due. (Have I started them? Surprisingly, not at all.)

I'm turning 25 in exactly one week. (Has that sunk in? Nope nope nope.)

A lot is going to happen in the next few days. 

Part of me thinks I need a moment to catch my breath; but the other part of me knows that stopping for a moment would result in me completely melting down. 

The thing to remember is that we're almost there.

Almost.