2017: A Year of Learning.

"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way...I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently."

-Donald Miller

As another year draws to a close, I've been trying to think of a way to process everything that's happened in my life over the last 12 months.

In the past, I try to focus on the funny moments of the year, the cute memories and experiences that have left me smiling. I post pictures or tweets, quotes or song lyrics that sum up my life at that time.

But this year is...different.

It's difficult to look back at who I was on January 1, 2017 and who I am now...363 days later. So much has changed. Things that I never thought would happen have happened, and things I had every confidence in have been shattered. Unlikely friendships have been formed, and lifelong friendships have been torn apart.

This year was one that I have trouble talking about, for a variety of reasons. But I know that I need to.

I could definitely find pictures and memories that would give you the impression that 2017 was a year of nothing but laughter, friends and countless exciting milestones to celebrate. It wouldn't be dificult.

But when I look back over 2017, I have to focus on what I learned, on the ways I grew as a person. And most of that isn't funny or pretty or cute.

You wanna know what just really irks me about 2017?

Before the year even began, I had made a list of New Year's Resolutions, and I was way too excited about living them out. I'll write them down here for you to appreciate, because when I look at them now-a year later-I'm filled with a mixture of satisfaction and heartache.

1. Tell people how you really feel about them.

2. Take more risks.


I can tell you that in no uncertain terms, I fulfilled those resolutions. And it didn't quite turn out the way I thought it would. Isn't that always how it goes, though? The things we think we want most end up being the source of our sorrow.

"Life is messy. Many of us are left reeling from our messes, knocked off-kilter when life takes a turn from the scripts we've plotted out for our lives. Why are we so caught off guard by the fact that life is chaotic and unpredictable?...We deny the possibility that God intended the difficulties of life to become a small part of His bigger story. We cannot accept the idea that the heartbreaks and hurdles are meant to become trophies of His grace rather than secrets to be buried."

-Vicki Courtney

I have to be honest with you, reader. I have tried multiple different approaches to writing this post. And every time I write something, I end up deleting it. Because there's just no good way for me to explain what this year ended up being in my life.

As I sit here in front of my computer, staring at a nearly blank page, I'm asking myself the question:

What was 2017 for me?

2017 was a new beginning; a fresh start where I could have complete confidence in who I was and what I wanted out of life, out of relationships, out of my future.

(Reality: Within two weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of that, especially with regards to relationships. And the decisions I made in those first initial days of January ended up drastically affecting how the rest of the year unfolded. It's a huge part of my year, but I'm not going to spend time hashing through that again. It's in the past and that's where it needs to stay.)

2017 was a time to make lasting memories with my friends from Louisiana Tech. We traveled to New Orleans for a weekend. We had countless family dinner nights. We celebrated everyone's birthdays and loved each other as much as we possibly could.

2017 was the closing chapter of my time in graduate school. I tried my best to learn all I could from my final classes. I successfully passed my comprehensive exams without having a total meltdown. I soaked in every last second I could at this wonderful place.

2017 was the year I turned 26 and realized that I'm closer to 30 than I am 20 now. And that was a weird realization. I'm still young, but I'm not as young as I was. It's a little terrifying.

2017 was the year I spent a summer struggling, plain and simply. I struggled through an exhausting theatre gig. I struggled to make long distance connections stay alive. I struggled to let go of people that were no longer meeting me halfway. I struggled to accept the things I could not change about the 6 months that were behind me, and to forgive myself for decisions I made during that time. I struggled to embrace the remaining 6 months as something new and exciting, instead choosing to cling to memories of a past that was not going to be in my future any longer.

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, 

and forgetting that you are special too."

-Ernest Hemingway

2017 was the year I unexpectedly lost my best friend. To be honest, I'm still not quite sure what happened, but it's been a year since we've spoken. I read somewhere, "If you're not losing friends, you're not growing up," and while I believe that's true...it still catches me off guard sometimes to think she's not in my life anymore.

2017 was the year I learned it's impossible to let go of someone who's standing right in front of you, even if you want to. It's ridiculously hard to heal from being hurt when that hurt is staring you in the face every single day, taunting you and making your heart ache constantly. It's something that I never hope to experience again.

"When I began holding onto God, it became easier for me to let go of depression. 

When I began holding hands with love, it became easier to let go of you. 

When I began fitting my fingers in the space between the future's fingers, it became easier to see how the past is over, and understand that time doesn't look back."

-Pierre Jeanty

2017 was the year I found myself at home again, living with my parents and feeling stuck. But I'm realizing that with everything I've been through, it's exactly what I need right now.

"She understood that the hardest times in life to go through 

were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another."

-Sarah Addison Allen

What have I learned from 2017?

I've learned that it's ok to not be ok. (Just don't let it last forever.)

I've learned that I have to stop putting my happiness in the hands of others and allowing them to determine the way I view myself, my worth and my future.

I've learned that sometimes you have to just take time for yourself to stop, press restart and figure out who you are again.

I've learned that our deepest aches and darkest secrets can become a blessing in disguise.

I've learned that true friends will never leave you, no matter how much distance is between you and how much time goes by.

I've learned that I can let go of a person without letting go of the memories I have with them.

I've learned that better things are ahead than any we leave behind.

I've learned that your pain always has a purpose...and eventually everything will come together the way it's supposed to.

I'll be honest with you. This year I think I lost sight of who I am and what I really want out of life. I allowed myself to be engulfed in a few unhealthy relationships that made me feel insecure and that I was second best. I forced myself to believe that in order to make others happy, I had to give them what they wanted. I forgot the person I used to be and became distracted by a way of life I had never wanted before.

But as December 31 winds down, I'm not really feeling that depressed or overwhelmed. Instead, I feel a great deal of hope and anticipation that 2018 is going to be full of new beginnings, fresh starts, and renewed perspectives.

I think some years are more difficult than others, and some years serve as a catapault to get you where you need to be for the next step of your life.

2017 has been both of those things. But it's time to let the past be the lesson it was meant to be, and look forward to the New Year with all of its potential to change my life forever.

Gosh...I can't wait.

One day you will wake up

and all of the waiting

will have made sense.

You will realize

that all of the prayers

that seemed to be

tangled in worries

were actually wrapped tightly

in God's grace.

You will realize that

even though before

you were certain it was over

you were actually...okay,

and everything that was

supposed to happen happened

and you are right where

you need to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

You are but now coming to the heart and beauty of your story.

-Jane Austen

Thankful.

Today, I got up way too early this morning, walked a 5k with my friend Kelly, came home and sat on the couch for awhile, and now we've just finished eating dinner.

Another Thanksgiving, come and gone.

I'm 26, and I'm trying to constantly remind myself that with each passing year, my parents get older, I get older, and eventually the humdrum traditions I too easily take for granted won't exist anymore.

I'm also attempting to spend some time today reflecting on everything I'm thankful for.

It sounds so cliche, I know. Everyone says that on Thanksgiving Day. Even using the word "reflecting" seems shallow and overdone.

But it really is true. It's easy for me to get caught up in feelings of negativity and anxiety. I so often find myself wallowing in self-pity and comparing my life to others around me.

Take this story for example.

The other day, I was walking into a restaurant with my dad. I had not really cared what I looked like that day; my hair was in two braids, I was wearing a stupid looking sweatshirt and basically could pass as a homeless preteen. It was not a good look for me, I'll admit.

As we were getting ready to walk in, we ran into a girl I grew up with. We had played softball, basketball, and tennis together, as well as cheerleading for years together. Basically, our childhoods intersected quite often. She wasn't necessarily a friend, but someone who knew me and would recognize me.

Turns out she's our new State Farm insurance agent, and my dad called out to her to say hello. Inside I'm thinking, "Oh my GOSH, of course we would run into her on a day like today." She looked very business professional, put together, successful.

And then there's me.

My dad says, "You remember Alexis?" She was very kind and asked how I was doing and where I was living now. I just laughed and said, "Yeah...I'm living with my parents for the time being. Looking for a job." That was the end of it and we walked in the restaurant.

I sat down and turned to my dad and said, "I knew this would happen. I look like I've done nothing with my life, and she's over there with a successful, prominent career. I feel like such a failure."

He looked at me and said, "Yeah, she has a career. In insurance. But you don't want to be in insurance. And I don't want that for you."

He went on to say, "A career in the arts, especially theatre, takes time to get your foot in the door. I was over 30 before I got my first real job that I really wanted. You cannot sit here and compare yourself to people in Appomattox who have no concept of what you want to do with your life."

And he's right, of course. My whole life, my parents have told me, "Do what you love. Do what makes you happy. Even if it means you make less money. That's what we did and we have no regrets."

I'm trying to remember that on days when I feel restless and that my life has no direction.

But here's the point of the story: that conversation made me so incredibly thankful. Not everyone has parents who support and understand their passion in life. But mine understand that I love theatre and want me to follow my dream, not just make money in a boring 9 to 5 job.

And it made me start to think about everything I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for this time at home, where I can clear my head, straighten out my priorities and reset where I'm headed in life.

I'm thankful for the life lessons of growing older and figuring out who your real friends are.

I'm thankful for a church that welcomes me home with open arms.

I'm thankful for friendships that are able to adapt to change and distance, especially when you didn't think it would happen.

I'm thankful for the new love I've acquired for being alone. I think it's so important to be comfortable by yourself.

I'm thankful for so much. I won't bore you by writing all of it down here.

But as cliche as it sounds...I really am truly thankful on this Thanksgiving Day.

And I hope you, my readers, have just as much to be thankful for.

Turning the Page.

So I'm back in Appomattox.

Louisiana is over 800 miles away, and I'm not sure I can adequately describe what I'm feeling at the moment.

The day before I left, I was sitting in Howard Auditorium, having a conversation with Anne. Actually, we were both just sitting there crying because we hate goodbyes. I had literally spent all freaking day doing nothing but saying goodbye to people.

Side Note: There's nothing more awkward and uncomfortable than trying to tell people what they mean to you before you walk out of their life. You don't want to be overly emotional and dramatic, but there's the fear that you won't say what you really want to and then later on, it'll be too late and the moment won't be right. It's even worse when you are walking through a building, crossing names off a list you made of about 20 people you want to have a final conversation with.

(...yeah, I actually made a list.)

 It's exhausting.

Anyway, that day I had just come from a particularly difficult goodbye, and I was still trying to process how I felt about it. As Anne and I sat there, attempting to put into words what our friendship meant, I said,

"Anne, I know that getting in my car and driving away from Ruston is going to be incredibly difficult for me...but I also know that when I get to Virginia, I'm going to feel this huge weight lifted off of me. And I'm so ready to feel that." 

She looked at me, still crying, and said,

"I'm so ready for you to feel that too." 

Over the rest of the day, I had at least 3 other people tell me the exact same thing. They all said,

"Lex, I can't wait to see you get some distance from here. It's time for you to leave." 

I don't mean that to sound the way it sounds. Because I love Tech, I love Ruston and I loved my time there. But the past 2 months were truly difficult for me. Despite the amazing opportunity I had to grow as a music director and as a person, I struggled almost daily.

I dealt with feeling like I no longer belonged at Tech.
I battled an almost constant heartache from relationships drastically changing.
I faced the anxiety of not knowing what was next, and basically just not having any idea who I was anymore.

I remember one day I was sitting in the Promotions office and someone made the comment that I hadn't been taking pictures as much lately. My friend Justin replied,

"Lex isn't herself right now." 

And to be honest...I wasn't.

It felt like I was walking around desperately trying to regain the Lex I used to be; happy, dramatic, energetic, laughing constantly, and making the most of every moment.
But I just couldn't seem to get it together.
Instead, I felt sad, depressed and constantly having to pretend to be fine.
I knew that I wouldn't really be able to heal from everything I was dealing with until I was gone, until I could actually move forward.
And so I felt stuck. I was in a constant cycle of pain and hurt, yet I didn't want to let go of the people I was surrounded by. It was an incredibly tough place to be.

Anyway, on Thursday morning I drove away. And you know, the trip was definitely hard.
I cried at different points; I knew I was driving further and further away from people I loved so much, people I'm not sure I will see again, and people that have parts of my heart I'll never get back.
You feel like you're losing a piece of yourself when you say goodbye to those that have forever changed who you are and how you view the world.
You feel like you'll never quite be whole because they hold so much of you in their hands.
I reflected on the way I said goodbye to them and whether or not I said everything I wanted to.
(I hadn't. But that's ok.)
I thought about what these people meant to me and my favorite memories with them.
And as the hours passed and the miles stretched on, I found myself feeling lighter.
As I crossed into Virginia and saw the mountains looming, fall colors on every side and cold weather creeping up on me, I realized that it's going to be ok.
When I pulled into my driveway and saw my parents coming out to greet me, I took a deep breath and said to myself,

"New beginnings start today, Lex." 

I'm not automatically back to "normal." It's not some magical transformation where I leave Tech and somehow find all of the joy and contentment I've been missing in my life these last 2 months.
But I know I'll get there.
I know that I need this. I need a separation and a clean slate. The past 8 weeks have taken a toll on me and my heart. I need to start the process of finding myself again.

It still hurts to think about how incredibly far I am from so many people that I love.
It hurts to think that some of them are out of my life forever, and that some of them will gradually fade away from me as time goes by.
But that doesn't diminish the memories I have with them at all.
It doesn't change the fact that I lived everyday life with them,
laughed with them,
ate with them,
acted with them,
cried with them,
fought with them,
slept with them,
and fiercely and loyally loved them.

But it's time to turn the page and start a new chapter. And I have to remember that just because I'm turning the page doesn't mean the one before it has to be forgotten.

I'm so ready.

What Do You Want?

Well, it's been a little over a month...

A lot has happened in that time.

The production I'm serving as Music Director for, Six Women with Brain Death,or Expiring Minds Want to Know, is starting to come together. It's been really exciting to teach harmonies, have music rehearsals, and watch these girls become more confident and capable in their roles. The position of Music Director is a pretty unique one, but I'm learning a lot and I'm hoping I get the chance to do this again wherever I end up after this.

I've also been working a lot on planning a theatre alumni reunion for our Homecoming weekend (which, consequently, is also the same weekend as the show. Gotta love theatre schedules.) Putting together a huge database of alumni information, sending out letters and invitations, planning dinners and receptions, and a lot of other things has kept me pretty busy.

But over the past few days, things have slowed down quite a bit. I'm pretty sure it's just the calm before the storm--that's typically how this sort of thing goes--but as I've been sitting in the theatre building with not much to do, I've found myself spending a lot of time thinking.

I got a text earlier this week that simply said, "What do you want?" When I got the message, I was immediately confused. That's such an overwhelmingly broad question. They meant it to be; it was supposed to be a conversation starter, I suppose. But it got me thinking...

What do I want? Like, really. In my life, in my career, in my relationships....

And the terrifying thing is, a lot of times, I'm not sure I know.

When the friend asked me this question, I answered with surface-level stuff. You know, saying things like "I want to live in my own place again," or "I want it to be Friday." But a question like that forces you to really look at yourself and analyze the direction your life is heading.

I have no idea where I'm going to be after this. I have tentative plans, I have tentative ideas. But the reality is, my life is about to change once again, and who knows where I'll end up.

That's fine. That's normal. Except I don't know where I WANT to end up. What do I want??? What do I want out of my life?

I was talking about it with my friend Anne (by the way, if you've never met Anne Brown, you are missing out on an incredible presence in your life. This girl has been my constant support while I've struggled to make sense of this quarter at Tech, and she has been a solid source of truth when I needed to hear it...even when I didn't want to. Shoutout to you, A).

Anyway, I told her about the question I was asked and how much I had been thinking about it. She looked at me and said, "Lex, I think instead of asking 'What do you want,' you should be asking 'What do you need?' Stop focusing on what you want to be happy, and think about what it is that you need in order to feel fulfilled and happy in life." 

So......what do I need?

I need to be surrounded by friends who love me and will stand behind me no matter what.

I need to be able to express my emotions through writing (like I am here).

I need to remember my life, and I do that through taking pictures. (Which I haven't done lately.)

I need to be involved in some kind of performing arts, whether that's music, theatre, dance, or any other channel of artistic expression.

I need to completely heal from heartbreak before I try to find someone new.

I need to take time for myself, to be alone and be secure in who I am.

I've answered the friend who asked me, "What do you want?" But I don't think I've really been truthful to them.

What do I want out of life? I'm not sure.

What do I want from my relationships? I couldn't put my finger on it.

What do I want out of my career? That seems kind of hazy at the moment.

But when I think about what I need....the fear drops away and the end goal seems much more attainable.

Maybe, just maybe, if I work on finding what I need right now, I'll eventually figure out what I want out of life.

I'm gonna try to run after those things I listed above. Here's hoping I find some direction through the pursuit.

Everything Else Goes Away.

This past week consisted in my first few days on contract at Tech.

It's kind of a weird feeling. I'm not a student anymore, but I'm still surrounded by people I love who are, and watching them go to class and gripe about homework is strange. I'm around them but can't relate to what they're going through. Not necessarily a bad thing by any means...just different.

I'm also trying really hard to not care what other people think about the fact that I'm here. Some people may think that I didn't apply for anything over the summer (which would be a massive lie). Some people may think that I can't move on (which is also very untrue). But in the end, I guess people can think whatever they like. I have a legitimate job that is going to result in a professional credit for my resume. I'm furthering my career and working in my desired field. There's absolutely zero shame in that.

But today, I was having a moment of uncertainty as I walked to a practice room to work on the piano score for our production. I sat down and just basked in the silence. The piano sat there, patiently waiting for me to make the first move. As I finally remembered why I was there and tentatively began to play, all of the worry and insecurity I had been feeling disappeared...and the music took its place. Everything fell away, and the melody my fingers created took precedence in my heart and my mind.

Music has always been such a source of comfort for me. When I've been angry, heartbroken or stressed, I find that pouring out my emotions onto the keys of a piano always leaves me more focused, level-headed and stable. This experience was no exception.

About a week ago, my best friend Justin (who is actually here at Tech now) told me there was a song in the Broadway musical Next to Normal that reminded him of me. I finally ended up listening to it and immediately fell in love. The song, called Everything Else, pretty much echoes my sentiments about music and my life. I just wanted to share it with all of you because it's now one of my very favorites.

Mozart was crazy...

But his music's not crazy

It's balanced, it's nimble

It's crystalline clear

There's harmony, logic; you listen to these

You don't hear his doubts, or his debts or disease

You scan through the score and put fingers on keys

And you play.

And everything else goes away,

Everything else goes away...

And you play till it's perfect, you play till you ache

You play till the strings or your fingernails break,

So you'll rock that recital and get into Yale

And you won't feel so sick, and you won't look so pale

Cause you've got your full ride and an early admit

So you're done with this school and with all of this shit

And you'll graduate early, you're gone as of May

And there's nothing your paranoid parents can say.

And you know that it's just a sonata away

And you play.

And you play.

And everything else goes away,

Everything else goes away...

Everything else goes away. 

Gracefully Broken.

"Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now."

-Donald Miller

I'm gonna be gut-wrenchingly honest, people.

Right now, if I had to describe myself, I would say I'm broken.

And it's funny, because I'm about to start a new chapter of my life and there are exciting things happening in my career and I couldn't be more thrilled for the opportunities that are being given to me...

But my heart is hurting.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about my summer and everything I experienced over the past few months. Blogging is how I process; it's how I work through emotions I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle.

Well, I got everything out...and I felt so much better. It really does astound me how much writing helps my soul.

But within an hour of posting it, I received a phone call from someone asking me to delete it. I had posted personal information about that person and they were uncomfortable. Out of respect for their wishes, I did so...but I immediately regretted it.

Do you have any idea how it feels to release everything that's built up within you, only to have it stuffed back inside, churning around and preventing your personal process of dealing with change?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

But I know I don't want to ever feel that again.

So I've decided to go back to being myself, of being as honest and real as I can be.

I realize that some people judge me for this. I've seen tweets in the past that passive aggressively proclaim that airing my dirty laundry is inappropriate and that I'm on a roll of personal destruction. I guess genuine, raw emotion unnerves certain types of people.

But honestly? I don't care anymore. I have the right to say what I wish and deal with my emotions how I see fit.

My friend Travis told me a statement he lives by:

"In order for you to insult me, I first have to value your opinion."

People who know me and love me have told me that my blogs are refreshing because they're simply real. Anyone who thinks otherwise can feel free to block me or diss me in private. It doesn't matter to me.

So here you go.

Here's real.

Here's raw.

Here's me.

A lot of things happened to me this summer, but there's one situation I'm going to focus on in particular. In addition to a super difficult theatre gig experience, 2 UTIs and a hell of a lot of stress, I allowed myself to love someone who claimed to love me back and claimed to want to be with me and me only.

I allowed myself to throw caution to the wind and break down the last few emotional barriers I had kept up in this relationship.

I foolishly believed the words spoken to me and wanted to have the chance to show love the right way.

But it was not to be.

Despite knowing that there was an end date on the horizon, I desperately wanted to have positive closure and an ending without hurt or regret. At the end of the summer, we reunited for a brief moment, knowing that it was for a limited time and that soon after I would have to say goodbye.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be held in the arms of someone you know you're about to walk away from?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

I felt like my heart and my head were screaming at one another; I knew that it would hurt less to shut down and run away, but my heart was begging for even a few more seconds of the intimacy I had come to take for granted. I wanted so desperately to have these last moments with this person, to be just us and be together one more time so that when I walked away, it was with nothing but good memories. If I could have that, I would be able to move on.

And as awful as it was, I feel like I accomplished that.

He kissed me and told me how much our time together meant to him.

I memorized the way he gazed at me and told him I didn't regret a single moment we spent together.

And then just like that, he walked me to my car and I drove away.

It was incredibly painful because I struggle so much with giving up on people I love...but I knew that eventually I would be okay. My life wasn't ending just because he wasn't going to be in it anymore.

As much as it sucked and might sound backwards to say, I was okay. I was okay because while he didn't want to be with me, I knew he also didn't want to be with anyone else. He didn't want to commit to any one person. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough; no one was at the moment.

...Except that wasn't true.

And a week later I discovered how far from the truth it actually was.

Do you have any idea how it feels to have the breath knocked out of you by the realization that you were just a secondary option until he figured out what he really wanted...which wasn't you, and had never been you? That everything you experienced had most likely been a total lie?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

In that moment all I could think was,

"I am never, ever going to be enough for anyone."

Maybe that sounds dramatic. But you have to understand: every relationship I have ever been in has ended in me not being enough.

Not enough for a commitment,
Not enough for the difficulty of making it work,
Not enough to even try.

I've literally never been enough.

And I know it's not true, that I have worth and value and blah blah blah.

But it triggered every feeling of insecurity, doubt and inadequacy that has accompanied my past.

It completely overwhelmed me.

Of course, I had people immediately texting me, calling me, throwing their arms around me and saying things like:

"If you keep telling yourself 

'I'm not the one he wanted and 

I wasn't good enough' 

or some form of that...

you'll never be ok.'"

"Lex, this is a lot. 

This is a man that you love(d), lost...

and just cut things off with. 

You're not over reacting."

"Alexis, you're better than this.

You're above this. 

You are beautiful, smart, a leader, 

strong, talented, and determined. 

You are 100 times better 

than allowing yourself to be 

manipulated by someone 

who could care less 

about you or how you feel."

"You need to be someone's 

choice without hesitation. 

I know it sucks 100% 

but you're dodging a bullet."

"It feels like you didn't get the man. 

But let me ask you this: 

is he really the man you wanted? 

No? 

Then did you really lose anything?"

"Heal on your time. 

Not on anyone else's.

And that's between you and God. 

Nobody else."

These statements are so powerful and so full of truth. I am trying my best to let them seep into my heart so that I can actually process and work through what I'm feeling.

It's time I learned from this mess of a summer and take the next necessary step forward. It may not be a big step or take me very far, but I have to at least take it...before I find myself paralyzed by fear and inadequacy.

There's a difficult road ahead of me. I can't really share any more detail than that at the moment.
But it's going to be so much harder than I ever thought it would be now, and that's ok.

I know I have people who love me, who see me as someone worth their time and attention, and whose opinion I truly care about.

I also know who I don't give a flying crap about; whether they look down on me, talk shit about me behind my back, or just blatantly hate me doesn't matter.

I'm confident, capable and more than enough to hold my head up high and live my life to the fullest.

God is always good, even when He has to break my heart and throw me to the ground in the process.

I heard a song this summer by a Christian artist named Matt Redman. The chorus has the following lyrics:

Here I am, God,

Arms wide open;

Pouring out my life...

Gracefully broken.

I love that phrase. Because I am broken. But within that brokenness is the grace of Jesus pouring over me, allowing me to pull the shattered pieces of my past into something truly beautiful.

Gracefully broken.

That's me.

That's real.

Take it or leave it.

"You silly little girl,

you think

you've survived so long

survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn

your body bulletproof.

You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter.

Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

It will not be beautiful,

but the truth never is.

Come now,

you promised yourself.

You promised

you'd live through this."

-Clementine von Radics

Summer Catch-Up.

Maybe one of these days I'll actually sit down and hash out everything that happened in my life over the last six months.

....yeah, I know. It's been SIX MONTHS since I've blogged anything. Which is weird, because in the past 4 years I've had this blog, I've always written at least once a month. It helps me process things going on in my head, in my heart...it's how I work through complications and frustrations.

So I'm kind of worried that I haven't written anything in half a year. However, I seem to be doing alright for the most part.

But this post isn't about all of that. I want to tell you guys about my summer gig. And how it's become one of the most grueling experiences I've ever had.

For those of you who followed my theatre job as a Production Stage Manager for an offsite production with Cumberland County Playhouse last summer, you know it was extremely...challenging. For a lot of reasons. Suffice it to say, I promised myself I had learned a lot, but I would never return to that particular situation ever again.

(It's funny how almost every single promise I've made myself over the years has been broken. But that's a topic for another blog post. Stay tuned, it'll be a GREAT one.)

Anyway, while I was still in school at LA Tech this spring, I got a phone call from the director of the production I worked on last summer. He told me they were going to be doing the show again, and he said I was his first choice for Production Stage Manager since I'd done it before. In all honesty, I politely told him "I'll think about it," and then hung up and laughed a lot. My friends laughed with me, because they all knew how ridiculously frustrating my experience was and knew I had no intention of putting myself through that again. I was going to SETC and I was going to get a REAL theatre summer gig. I mean, I'm about to graduate with my Masters! Surely I can get something better, right?

SETC came and went in a flurry of job interviews, where I learned that at this point in my career, my resume can't speak for itself...and I'm gonna need a contact or recommendation of some kind to land me a job in the theatre field. I probably interviewed for about 15 summer internships and heard back from 1.

So graduation was upon me, and I realized that if I didn't take the job offer from CCP, I would have to find a summer job of some kind. It wouldn't be in theatre, and I would most likely be 100 times more miserable.

I told my parents I was thinking about taking the job again, and they both said, "Are you sure? You were so unhappy last year." My friends were concerned. Everyone knew how drained I was from the experience. But...this year I was only working for 5 weeks, and I told my mom, "I can do ANYTHING for 5 weeks. I'm getting paid more. I know the show. I know the people. It's gonna be fine."

Oh, silly Lex.

I got to Dayton, TN on June 15 for my first day of rehearsal, and by June 16 I was overwhelmed with how many things were going horrendously wrong.
Actors are having explosive arguments and stalking out of the space during rehearsals.
The director is struggling with mental clarity and emotional stability.
Other officials of the production are coming to me and asking if I'd be willing to take over the show
I have actors coming up to me and saying I need to take over. Like what, stage a coup?!?!

But mainly, I'm struggling between being professional and doing my job as a stage manager while still trying to be respectful of someone who is my elder and my director. I don't know where that balance is. I really don't.

I'm not going to go into all of the details of what's been going on. If you're really interested, you can ask me personally and I'll be happy to tell you. But I've been placed in an incredibly awkward position and I'm a little unsure of how to proceed.

I will say this though. I know that it is a total God thing that I'm here again. Even though it's not where I saw myself returning and I didn't want to do it...I'm so thankful that with everything blowing up, it's me dealing with it instead of someone new. It's a good thing that most of the cast know me from last year and respect my authority and opinion. It's a good thing that the director and I have a pretty stable relationship. It's a good thing that I'm staving off the crap being thrown my way instead of someone who didn't know anything about this unique situation.

I feel like I say this way too often...but it's going to grow me so much. I just know it.

Doesn't everything?