February 2018: Major Milestones

FEBRUARY 2018

"Everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for."

-Unknown

I usually LOATHE referring to quotes that don't have an author attached to them. Cause it means literally anyone could have come up with the cliché statement...but in this case, I am making an exception. This quote is actually the background on my laptop. And I feel like it completely encapsulates what the month of February has been for me.

This month has been, in all honesty, some of the most insane 28 days I've had in a long time. Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Yeah, right, every single thing Lex experiences is totally dramatic and insane and over exaggerated.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. 

IT HAS BEEN INSANE.

I spent the first few days in Dayton, Tennessee. The main reason for my trip was to discuss a possible summer theatre job. However, it ended up being a whirlwind weekend where I tried to see every single person I knew in town in 2 days. I may have been exhausted but it was SO worth it. I was able to reconnect with almost all of my favorite college professors, see a theatre production at my alma mater, and have coffee dates with many people that I love. 

I came home and found out that I had been cast as Cecily Cardew in my community theatre's production of The Importance of Being Earnest, and my best friend Kelly was cast as Gwendolyn. We were both so excited, and I was especially thrilled to play a character that is SO far from my typecast. We're in the midst of the rehearsal process now and it's crazy fun to be onstage once again.

Song #1: Normal, Sasha Sloan 

And I know this isn't like me

I just want people to like me

Got my glass up in the air

And I act like I don't care...

And I'm just part of the crowd

But I feel better now, so-

Keep on playing that song that I don't like

I just wanna feel normal for the night

Keep on kissing that guy that's not my type

I just wanna feel normal for the night

However, tragedy soon struck...and when it struck, it did so as hugely as it possibly could.

Tragedy #1. My laptop (named Ron Swanson....if you've never watched Parks and Recreation then you won't get the reference) I've had for 7 years abruptly crashed. Hard drive: gone. 7 years of my life: gone. So I take it to a data recovery place, and they assure me they can get almost everything, if not everything, off the hard drive and give it back to me. I won't lose any of my documents, photos, videos....it's all good.

Tragedy #2. My dad lends me his laptop in the meantime, and for about a week I'm making it work. Then, for no apparent reason, HIS LAPTOP CRASHES. Hard drive: gone. Everything: gone. I SWEAR to you that all I was doing was watching Netflix. Oh, and I ordered some eyeglasses on it. THAT IS IT.

So just call me the Laptop Killer, because I made two laptops crash in less than two weeks.

Needless to say, I had to buy a new computer (which needed to happen anyway) so hopefully I'm good for another 7 years. Name still TBD....suggestions are welcome. 

Tragedy #3. Literally the same day laptop 2 dies, I'm driving to Walmart, and I'm texting my friend Caleb about how to fix the computer. (I know, I know, I'm an idiot). 

Well I get pulled over by a cop for texting and driving. While he's talking to me, he looks on my windshield and notices my inspection sticker is expired. And not just by a few days or a week. No, it expired in December. (I honestly had no idea.)

So he gives me not one, but TWO TICKETS. I GOT MY FIRST AND SECOND TICKET AT THE SAME TIME.

To say I was pissed was an understatement. So now I have to go to court. #mylife

(I mean, if I was gonna get a ticket, it's fitting it was for texting, right?)

So yeah. February 6 was not a good day for me.

Song #2: Scars, I AM THEY

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

 I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

Wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

February was also a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light. Without giving unnecessary details, within the 4 weeks of February, I had my past dragged back into my present, my future surprisingly peeking through the clouds of uncertainty, and my present just being.......a muddle of emotions and feelings.  It felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out. But I think God was trying to prepare me for what was about to unfold during the month, because joy and peace were so badly needed during those few weeks. 

I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.

-Valley of Vision

Feelings and thoughts always go together. They are interdependent and are never found apart. There is no feeling without something being before the mind in thought and no thought without some positive or negative feeling toward what is contemplated.

-Dallas Willard, Renovations of the Heart 

During February, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with a woman who has become a kind of mentor to me over the years. I babysat her children growing up, and every time I come home I make a point to go see her and catch up on our lives. As I've grown older, she's become a very dear friend and I can't explain how much I love her and value her godly, wise advice throughout my countless struggles and worries. 

One on Sunday afternoon, we sat down and I poured out my heart to her about a situation that was weighing me so far down I felt I couldn't breathe. She let me talk for literally 2 hours, and then gave me words of wisdom I so badly needed in that moment. It totally changed the way I have been thinking about my life and my future...and I wish I could do something even half as meaningful for her. She made this comment to me, and it has stuck with me ever since.

"Alexis, your life is a tapestry; lovely and beautiful and a true work of art. But right now you are trapped on the ugly, ridiculous back side; all knotted up and choking on the mess that is everywhere you turn, in every direction. It looks terrible and an overwhelming web of tangles. But eventually God's going to flip that tapestry over, and you'll see your life for what it has always been meant to be. Every single thread will have joined together to make something truly breathtaking. And all you can do in this moment...is wait."

Song #3: Three, Sleeping at Last  

Maybe I've done enough

Finally catching up

For the first time I see an image of my brokenness

Utterly worthy of love

And I finally see myself

Through the eyes of no one else

It's so exhausting on this silver screen

Where I play the role of anyone but me

And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

Now I only want what's real

I set aside the highlight reel

And leave my greatest failures on display

With an asterisk:

"Worthy of love anyway"

There's been some really sweet moments during February, and both involve babies! My pastor and his wife welcomed their first child, James Henry Small, into the world. This baby was long prayed for and I'm so glad he's finally here. In addition, my childhood best friend Libbie found out her and her husband Scott are expecting their first child. Libbie and I have been praying for God to give her a baby for a very long time, and this is such an exciting thing...and I'm so so so glad that I get to be here with her during this time. 

And I think that wraps it up. Everything else that happened in February is under wraps for the time being....hopefully in March I'll be able to share more on those subjects.

Two months down, people! Ten to go! 

Song #4: If There Is Light, It Will Find You, Senses Fail

I guess the best thing I can do with my time

Is love every minute of life...

How do I forget you?

If there is light, I hope it finds you

How can I forget you?

How can I forget you?...

I'll never forget our love, I'll never forget our love

If there is light I hope it finds you

If there is love I hope it finds you

Let the good deep inside you

Let your love be the thing that defines you

There's Always A Reason.

I know it's only halfway through February, but guys.....literally so much has been happening in my life.

I didn't fully realize it until yesterday. I had randomly texted a friend to tell her I missed her, and she said, "So what's been going on with you?" I began listing everything that had happened in the last few weeks...and as I sat there, looking back at the insanely long and unbelievably ridiculous saga that is my personal life, I found myself wondering "Why me, and why now?"

I'll give you the briefest of overviews, cause I wanna save some of this for my recap at the end of the month. Suffice it to say that along with getting two tickets (yes, at one time), starting rehearsals for a show at my community theatre, and destroying two separate laptops in two weeks, I also had several people from my past randomly pop back into my life and throw my emotions into a sort of chaotic mess.

Like I said, RIDICULOUS.

And here's the thing. I know that it feels like everything comes crashing down right at the moment when we're making the most progress and feeling the best about ourselves. It's so easy to get caught up in feelings of "this would only happen to me" and "why can't my life be simple like everyone else's," but there's something that I've been learning over and over again, especially in the last few weeks. Brace yourself, cause it's painfully simple.

Everything we are experiencing is always for a reason.

Everyone knows this. Everyone says this. But I, for one, am so guilty of failing to live it out on a daily basis. I spout it off but immediately go back to my "comfort zone" of anxiety and longing for control.

...And then I wonder why I'm stressed and emotional, lying in bed at 4 am unable to sleep because I'm thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation in my life. Geez.

Here's an example. Last night was one of those sleepless nights. Without going into too much detail, I was very weighed down by some of the situations unfolding in my life.

Have you ever had a night where your brain just won't shut off? It's the weirdest, most frustrating feeling. You're lying in bed trying to figure out if you actually fell asleep at one point or if you had really just been awake this whole time. Your head is churning through cycles of "what-ifs" until you roll over and see the sun's out...and it's morning...and you feel like you literally slept for 5 minutes.

Maybe it's just me. (But I seriously doubt it.)

Anyway, I woke up this morning and, honestly, felt dead. After struggling through a shower and getting ready for the day, I was still in a fog of exhaustion and finally resigned myself to the fact that this day was a bust. I was worthless mentally, felt close to worthless emotionally, and totally depleted physically.

A few minutes later, I get a text from a friend who said, "Can we talk? I just need a friend right now." So I call them and we talk for about 30 minutes. It was so wonderful and encouraging, hopefully for both of us.

I hang up with them and say "Ok, I'm glad I could be there for them. That's nice." But then my mind quickly turned back to my own set of problems and worries. (It happens to the best of us.)

Five minutes later, my phone rings and it's another friend. I pick up and they say, "Can I just vent real quick about some things?" So we had a 30 minute conversation, and again, it was great.

I hang up and say to myself, "Man, today is the day for being there for my people. And I love that!" And then it just hit me....

I think God had these people call me, one after the other, so that I would be reminded, in a roundabout way, that I'm not the only one struggling. Yeah, there's a lot going on in my life and I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the emotions I'm experiencing from it, but I'm not alone.

No one is alone. (That's an Into the Woods reference, if you're not a musical theatre geek like me.)

And it all just clicked. I may be exhausted and didn't sleep at all, but there are other people in my life that can relate. And when they call me to say, "This is how I'm feeling and how I'm struggling," I can be that friend who responds, "GIRL. I so know what you're going through."

And I'll mean it.

January 2018: Press Restart

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

As a new year is beginning, I find myself feeling that 2018 is going to be a really important chapter in my life. And instead of waiting until December to write a "wrap up your year" blog post, I decided to do a monthly check-in on my story; what I've been experiencing, what I've learned and how I'm growing. It's nothing fancy or incredibly deep; just something simple that will list the most memorable events that occurred, songs I loved, quotes I stumbled across, and books I read. But I do think it's important to be able to own your story and admire the progress you've made, as well as the setbacks you've encountered. Who knows, maybe some of you reading this are going through similar times in your own lives and will be encouraged by my own experiences.

(If anything, the music is worth a listen. I've included the links to each one if you haven't heard them already. I like to think I have preeeeeetty great taste.)

JANUARY 2018

Think about where you were last year.

Think about the things

that used to worry you so much

that no longer consume your mind and time:

the relationship that wasn't healthy,

the stress of what this year would be like,

the things you never thought

you would accomplish but did...

all of those things are worth being grateful for,

and are beautiful reminders

that you are going to be okay.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

The first month of the year has turned out to be one of new things. I realize that sounds pretty typical of a New Year, but I'm serious. Most of the memorable things that happened to me in January were things that involved something new, something I hadn't experienced before.

Song #1: Press Restart, WALK THE MOON

Head-heart malfunction

Maybe it's not an ending

Maybe it's a beginning

Up-shift, and the wind in my face

I could use a little time and space

Just broke the hell out of my heart

Press restart, press restart

I spent the first whole week of 2018 at home, completely alone. My parents were at the beach, but I had chosen to come home earlier for New Year's Eve. Because I was just chilling at home, there were a few days that I literally didn't use my voice at all. Some people might think that sounds horrible, but I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there.

Song #2: This is Me, "The Greatest Showman"

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be

This is me

Other positive memories from the past month included FINALLY getting a new iPhone (which has been named Sol...after one of the characters in a new favorite TV show Grace & Frankie). I also convinced my parents to watch the Harry Potter series for the first time, which was super fun for me to be a part of. I had my first Skype interview for a theatre position, which I'm very excited about. I auditioned for a play at my local community theatre and dragged a friend along with me. Still waiting to hear the results from that! I had countless coffee dates with one of my closest friends in Appomattox. This friend is also responsible for introducing me to The Crown, which I immediately loved. It ended up uncovering a fascination for British history I didn't know I had.

Song #3: Bye-Bye Darling, BORNS

Ooh, ooh, ooh

We had a good run darling, don't you cry

ooh, ooh, ooh

Know in the end it's gonna be just fine

ooh, ooh, ooh

In the end it all feels like a dream

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Someday we'll find out what it means

And every time I think of you I'm so glad

What we had they'll never know

Bye-bye darling

There were also some difficult moments throughout the month. I dealt with a show opening at Tech that, for the first time in over two years, I'm not a part of. It wasn't that I wanted to be there necessarily, although I do wish I could have supported my friends and professors by going to see the production. I became reacquainted with the burden of hurting for friends over things you can't control. Part of growing older is watching people you love make their own choices, and choosing whether or not you want to love them through it. I learned how to handle anxiety about my future and how to hold my dreams with my hands open. God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly.

God never places us in any position in which we cannot grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.

-Nicole Whitacre

Song #4: Drawn to You, Audrey Assad

After everything I've had

After everything I've lost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

After everything's been said

After everything love cost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

I read a book called Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, and to be honest, it's one of the best books I've ever come across. She focuses on how we should be living loved in the midst of rejection, heartache and recovering from past hurts. I could share a million quotes from the book that I loved, but this is one of the most impactful ones. You know, the kind of quote that when you read it, you just sit there staring at it...because it's like those words were written just for you.

Here's the deal...when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I'm desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I'm constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don't just feel like I'm losing them...I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself as well...The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.

-Lysa TerKeurst

This could perfectly describe the way I've chosen to live my life in past years. And now I'm desperate to change the destructive cycle in which I found myself. The past month has done so much good for me in so many ways, and I'm beyond excited to see what February holds in store. 

Song #5: Wilson (Expensive Mistakes), Fall Out Boy

This song has absolutely no meaningful attachment to this post or to the past month....I just really like it. ;) 

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you,

Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you