January 2018: Press Restart

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

As a new year is beginning, I find myself feeling that 2018 is going to be a really important chapter in my life. And instead of waiting until December to write a "wrap up your year" blog post, I decided to do a monthly check-in on my story; what I've been experiencing, what I've learned and how I'm growing. It's nothing fancy or incredibly deep; just something simple that will list the most memorable events that occurred, songs I loved, quotes I stumbled across, and books I read. But I do think it's important to be able to own your story and admire the progress you've made, as well as the setbacks you've encountered. Who knows, maybe some of you reading this are going through similar times in your own lives and will be encouraged by my own experiences.

(If anything, the music is worth a listen. I've included the links to each one if you haven't heard them already. I like to think I have preeeeeetty great taste.)

JANUARY 2018

Think about where you were last year.

Think about the things

that used to worry you so much

that no longer consume your mind and time:

the relationship that wasn't healthy,

the stress of what this year would be like,

the things you never thought

you would accomplish but did...

all of those things are worth being grateful for,

and are beautiful reminders

that you are going to be okay.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

The first month of the year has turned out to be one of new things. I realize that sounds pretty typical of a New Year, but I'm serious. Most of the memorable things that happened to me in January were things that involved something new, something I hadn't experienced before.

Song #1: Press Restart, WALK THE MOON

Head-heart malfunction

Maybe it's not an ending

Maybe it's a beginning

Up-shift, and the wind in my face

I could use a little time and space

Just broke the hell out of my heart

Press restart, press restart

I spent the first whole week of 2018 at home, completely alone. My parents were at the beach, but I had chosen to come home earlier for New Year's Eve. Because I was just chilling at home, there were a few days that I literally didn't use my voice at all. Some people might think that sounds horrible, but I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there.

Song #2: This is Me, "The Greatest Showman"

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be

This is me

Other positive memories from the past month included FINALLY getting a new iPhone (which has been named Sol...after one of the characters in a new favorite TV show Grace & Frankie). I also convinced my parents to watch the Harry Potter series for the first time, which was super fun for me to be a part of. I had my first Skype interview for a theatre position, which I'm very excited about. I auditioned for a play at my local community theatre and dragged a friend along with me. Still waiting to hear the results from that! I had countless coffee dates with one of my closest friends in Appomattox. This friend is also responsible for introducing me to The Crown, which I immediately loved. It ended up uncovering a fascination for British history I didn't know I had.

Song #3: Bye-Bye Darling, BORNS

Ooh, ooh, ooh

We had a good run darling, don't you cry

ooh, ooh, ooh

Know in the end it's gonna be just fine

ooh, ooh, ooh

In the end it all feels like a dream

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Someday we'll find out what it means

And every time I think of you I'm so glad

What we had they'll never know

Bye-bye darling

There were also some difficult moments throughout the month. I dealt with a show opening at Tech that, for the first time in over two years, I'm not a part of. It wasn't that I wanted to be there necessarily, although I do wish I could have supported my friends and professors by going to see the production. I became reacquainted with the burden of hurting for friends over things you can't control. Part of growing older is watching people you love make their own choices, and choosing whether or not you want to love them through it. I learned how to handle anxiety about my future and how to hold my dreams with my hands open. God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly.

God never places us in any position in which we cannot grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.

-Nicole Whitacre

Song #4: Drawn to You, Audrey Assad

After everything I've had

After everything I've lost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

After everything's been said

After everything love cost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

I read a book called Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, and to be honest, it's one of the best books I've ever come across. She focuses on how we should be living loved in the midst of rejection, heartache and recovering from past hurts. I could share a million quotes from the book that I loved, but this is one of the most impactful ones. You know, the kind of quote that when you read it, you just sit there staring at it...because it's like those words were written just for you.

Here's the deal...when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I'm desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I'm constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don't just feel like I'm losing them...I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself as well...The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.

-Lysa TerKeurst

This could perfectly describe the way I've chosen to live my life in past years. And now I'm desperate to change the destructive cycle in which I found myself. The past month has done so much good for me in so many ways, and I'm beyond excited to see what February holds in store. 

Song #5: Wilson (Expensive Mistakes), Fall Out Boy

This song has absolutely no meaningful attachment to this post or to the past month....I just really like it. ;) 

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you,

Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you