FEBRUARY 2018
"Everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for."
-Unknown
I usually LOATHE referring to quotes that don't have an author attached to them. Cause it means literally anyone could have come up with the cliché statement...but in this case, I am making an exception. This quote is actually the background on my laptop. And I feel like it completely encapsulates what the month of February has been for me.
This month has been, in all honesty, some of the most insane 28 days I've had in a long time. Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Yeah, right, every single thing Lex experiences is totally dramatic and insane and over exaggerated.
BUT I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
IT HAS BEEN INSANE.
I spent the first few days in Dayton, Tennessee. The main reason for my trip was to discuss a possible summer theatre job. However, it ended up being a whirlwind weekend where I tried to see every single person I knew in town in 2 days. I may have been exhausted but it was SO worth it. I was able to reconnect with almost all of my favorite college professors, see a theatre production at my alma mater, and have coffee dates with many people that I love.
I came home and found out that I had been cast as Cecily Cardew in my community theatre's production of The Importance of Being Earnest, and my best friend Kelly was cast as Gwendolyn. We were both so excited, and I was especially thrilled to play a character that is SO far from my typecast. We're in the midst of the rehearsal process now and it's crazy fun to be onstage once again.
Song #1: Normal, Sasha Sloan
And I know this isn't like me
I just want people to like me
Got my glass up in the air
And I act like I don't care...
And I'm just part of the crowd
But I feel better now, so-
Keep on playing that song that I don't like
I just wanna feel normal for the night
Keep on kissing that guy that's not my type
I just wanna feel normal for the night
However, tragedy soon struck...and when it struck, it did so as hugely as it possibly could.
Tragedy #1. My laptop (named Ron Swanson....if you've never watched Parks and Recreation then you won't get the reference) I've had for 7 years abruptly crashed. Hard drive: gone. 7 years of my life: gone. So I take it to a data recovery place, and they assure me they can get almost everything, if not everything, off the hard drive and give it back to me. I won't lose any of my documents, photos, videos....it's all good.
Tragedy #2. My dad lends me his laptop in the meantime, and for about a week I'm making it work. Then, for no apparent reason, HIS LAPTOP CRASHES. Hard drive: gone. Everything: gone. I SWEAR to you that all I was doing was watching Netflix. Oh, and I ordered some eyeglasses on it. THAT IS IT.
So just call me the Laptop Killer, because I made two laptops crash in less than two weeks.
Needless to say, I had to buy a new computer (which needed to happen anyway) so hopefully I'm good for another 7 years. Name still TBD....suggestions are welcome.
Tragedy #3. Literally the same day laptop 2 dies, I'm driving to Walmart, and I'm texting my friend Caleb about how to fix the computer. (I know, I know, I'm an idiot).
Well I get pulled over by a cop for texting and driving. While he's talking to me, he looks on my windshield and notices my inspection sticker is expired. And not just by a few days or a week. No, it expired in December. (I honestly had no idea.)
So he gives me not one, but TWO TICKETS. I GOT MY FIRST AND SECOND TICKET AT THE SAME TIME.
To say I was pissed was an understatement. So now I have to go to court. #mylife
(I mean, if I was gonna get a ticket, it's fitting it was for texting, right?)
So yeah. February 6 was not a good day for me.
Song #2: Scars, I AM THEY
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
Wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use
So I'm thankful for the scars
Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
February was also a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light. Without giving unnecessary details, within the 4 weeks of February, I had my past dragged back into my present, my future surprisingly peeking through the clouds of uncertainty, and my present just being.......a muddle of emotions and feelings. It felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out. But I think God was trying to prepare me for what was about to unfold during the month, because joy and peace were so badly needed during those few weeks.
I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.
-Valley of Vision
Feelings and thoughts always go together. They are interdependent and are never found apart. There is no feeling without something being before the mind in thought and no thought without some positive or negative feeling toward what is contemplated.
-Dallas Willard, Renovations of the Heart
During February, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with a woman who has become a kind of mentor to me over the years. I babysat her children growing up, and every time I come home I make a point to go see her and catch up on our lives. As I've grown older, she's become a very dear friend and I can't explain how much I love her and value her godly, wise advice throughout my countless struggles and worries.
One on Sunday afternoon, we sat down and I poured out my heart to her about a situation that was weighing me so far down I felt I couldn't breathe. She let me talk for literally 2 hours, and then gave me words of wisdom I so badly needed in that moment. It totally changed the way I have been thinking about my life and my future...and I wish I could do something even half as meaningful for her. She made this comment to me, and it has stuck with me ever since.
"Alexis, your life is a tapestry; lovely and beautiful and a true work of art. But right now you are trapped on the ugly, ridiculous back side; all knotted up and choking on the mess that is everywhere you turn, in every direction. It looks terrible and an overwhelming web of tangles. But eventually God's going to flip that tapestry over, and you'll see your life for what it has always been meant to be. Every single thread will have joined together to make something truly breathtaking. And all you can do in this moment...is wait."
Song #3: Three, Sleeping at Last
Maybe I've done enough
Finally catching up
For the first time I see an image of my brokenness
Utterly worthy of love
And I finally see myself
Through the eyes of no one else
It's so exhausting on this silver screen
Where I play the role of anyone but me
And I finally see myself
Unabridged and overwhelmed
A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell
But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell
Now I only want what's real
I set aside the highlight reel
And leave my greatest failures on display
With an asterisk:
"Worthy of love anyway"
There's been some really sweet moments during February, and both involve babies! My pastor and his wife welcomed their first child, James Henry Small, into the world. This baby was long prayed for and I'm so glad he's finally here. In addition, my childhood best friend Libbie found out her and her husband Scott are expecting their first child. Libbie and I have been praying for God to give her a baby for a very long time, and this is such an exciting thing...and I'm so so so glad that I get to be here with her during this time.
And I think that wraps it up. Everything else that happened in February is under wraps for the time being....hopefully in March I'll be able to share more on those subjects.
Two months down, people! Ten to go!
I guess the best thing I can do with my time
Is love every minute of life...
How do I forget you?
If there is light, I hope it finds you
How can I forget you?
How can I forget you?...
I'll never forget our love, I'll never forget our love
If there is light I hope it finds you
If there is love I hope it finds you
Let the good deep inside you
Let your love be the thing that defines you
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