The Struggle is Real.

Reader, I'm struggling. And it feels so stupid. But it won't go away.

So here's the short version. Believe me, you'll be glad I didn't write you the novel.

This weekend (actually, just half of Saturday and half of today) I was up at Bryan College once again, to see a few of my friends in the fall play. It was fantastic, and although the visit was brief, I got to see everyone I wanted to (with the exception of one professor).

Today, one of my friends and I went to Sonic, and while we were sitting there, she randomly asked me how I was doing with regards to a specific situation in my life. This situation happened months ago...in fact, it's been close to a year now. And since she's one of my best friends, like a sister to me, I answered her truthfully. Which basically boiled down to, "I'm okay most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part I'm good. I wish things were different, sure, but they're not, and that's okay. It's all okay." And we talked a bit more about it, but the conversation moved on, which was fine.

However, for the remainder of the day...as I was driving home, as I was putting my things away, as I was going about my business in my room...I felt this heaviness weighing down on me. Ever since that conversation, I felt like I had been thrown back into the past and emotions/feelings/hurts that I had genuinely tried to put behind me from that situation were boiling over once again. From that one simple question, I found myself reliving conversations, moments, and events that should not be relived (for many reasons, one of the first being for my sanity's sake). Try as I might, I could not shake the sorrow. It was deep, and it was real. And I openly wallowed in it. I delved into the memories and let them wash over me.

And all of this was from a simple, sweet "How are you doing with that?"

Apparently...not okay.

But here's the thing, people. I AM doing okay. I really am. Just like my response to my friend, I'm good 90% of the time. Which is a heck of a lot better than I would have replied 6 months ago. So why the sudden backslide?

Because, believe me when I say that I am beyond ready to move past this. I am SO ready.

So my struggle is this: If I honestly want to move on from something...if I know it's time, if I know I need to...why can't I do it? Why does one simple question asked by someone who cares about my progress proceed to make me backtrack through all of the pain and emotional trauma I have worked daily to put aside?

I literally don't get it. And I'm beyond frustrated. It makes me feel like an adolescent once again; like I'm creating drama out of situations that don't even exist any longer. Like I'm desperately grasping for any remnant of the memory so I won't ever lose it completely.

Except...I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to be able to look back and only see the lesson learned--instead of also seeing every single detail of everything I so badly need to forget.

I don't have a solution. I don't have some revelation from a sermon or Bible verse. This is something I am seriously struggling with, and I'm so tired of it. But apparently, being weary of a struggle doesn't magically make it disappear. Wishing you were past the pain doesn't make it so.

So what does?

I'm waiting for an answer.

Into the Storm.

This morning I woke up fairly late, having one of the most exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I realized that in about 20 minutes, my church back home in Virginia would be live streaming their 11:00 service. I also remembered that is was Homecoming Sunday, which is a big deal in our congregation. We have an enormous choir that sings, my dad usually hires a string orchestra to accompany the music, and we normally invite a former pastor to come back and speak. We're Southern Baptists, so obviously there's food. :) It's one of my favorite times of the year. So I decided to sit down and worship with my church family from afar…and I'm so glad I did, because it was honestly one of the most moving services I've witnessed in awhile.

One of our former pastors, Gene Mims, stood up to speak, and every single word in his message felt like it was written for me.

He begins to talk, and one of the first statements he makes is this.

"Hold on to the past as long as you need to, but grab on to the future as soon as you are able."

That sentence is so incredibly comforting to me. Sometimes I think that we push the idea of "getting over" our hurt and "moving on" past the grief too quickly. We experience a particularly painful breakup. A family member dies unexpectedly. A valued relationship is cut off with no explanation. A child turns away from his family. Terrible things happen in this world; it's a given. But why do we feel the need to get over it as quickly as possible? Grief is necessary. Pain is normal. Sadness is expected. And it's okay to still feel negative emotions about painful moments in our lives…even if they happened weeks, months, years ago. 

I can so relate to this struggle. I look at my life, the past…oh, I don't know, 5 or 6 years…and I could make you a list of the things that have hurt me. Losing my best friend in high school. Having my heart broken in college. Giving up on my dream for a musical career. Solid friendships one day being completely dissolved the next with no explanation or hope of reconciliation. Family members dying with no hope of seeing them in eternity. Watching people you love so deeply move away from you and seem happier and better off because of it. SO many things. And as I read over that list, I came to realize that I am still holding on to many of these instances in some way. The hurt is still felt, the pain is still present. 

And I feel guilty, as if I've done something terribly wrong. Just last night, I asked a friend if I was being "pathetic" for still feeling hurt and saddened about a particular circumstance that occurred almost a year ago. He said, "I don't think you're pathetic. I think…everyone heals at their own speed. It's not right for anyone to tell you what that should be." Which is true. I just wish everyone felt that way.

***

The text he used for his message was Matthew 14: 22-29…the story of Jesus walking on the water. However, instead of delivering the usual "God performs another miracle" angle, he proceeded to use this story to emphasize how God uses the storms in our lives to bring us to Him.

Oh boy.

I could give you the 3 point outline of his message, but that's not what stood out to me. I could give you the specific examples he used to prove his points, but it doesn't really matter. What I do want to tell you is what he said at the very end.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Peter eventually calls out to Him and says, "If it's really You, tell me to come over there to where You are." Jesus tells him to come, and he immediately steps out onto the water and begins to walk over to Jesus. You see, Peter realized that being with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm was far better than being in a boat with the disciples…but here's the key.

Jesus did not walk over to to grab Peter's hand and pull him out of the boat. Peter had to take the first step. He had to step out…onto the waves, into the storm…in order to be where Jesus was, to be with Him. 

Gene Mims explained that we often have this plan for our life: 

What we want to do as a career,

Who we want to marry,

How many kids we'll have,

Where we'll live,

What kind of legacy we want to leave behind…

And we look over at Jesus and say "Come over here and be with me as I do all of these things! I need You with me so I can succeed…so come here." And we expect Jesus to walk over to where we are and walk along beside us on OUR path, OUR way. 

When in reality, we must go where Jesus is.

We must step out of the boat, step onto the waves, step into the storm raging around us...and join Him on His path for us. 

Where in Scripture does it ever show Jesus saying, "Oh, I'll just go wherever you're headed." 

Never. 

In every single circumstance, Jesus walks by, stops, says, "Come with me," and then continues on, either with the desired follower by His side, or alone. 

He doesn't make exceptions. He doesn't fail to lead. He doesn't waver and say "Fine, we can go your way for a bit." No…He invites us to accompany Him on His road, and then leaves the decision up to us.

Gene Mims challenged us to ask ourselves, "Am I expecting Jesus to come to me, or am I giving up my plan for my life and walking across the storms of this life to where He is?" 

Needless to say, it was deeply convicting.

So, to conclude, I realized today that it's not a sin to hold on to the past. It's not pathetic to still grieve and hurt over things that happened long ago. It's not wrong to remember what used to be.

But even more importantly, I realized that every storm in my life is an opportunity for me to step out onto the waves of pain, loneliness and heartache…and to walk across the water to where Jesus waits with hand outstretched. He holds out the promise of a future unimaginable…

And when I'm ready, all I have to do is grab on.

The One Thing God Can't Do.

So, this past weekend I drove up to Bryan College with my roommate and spent a few days there. It was great to see friends that I miss dearly, to catch up with professors that I love so much. I was able to see some old friends from college perform again on Friday night, and also had some time to spare for myself…which is rare on these weekend getaways. Usually, I am running around like crazy, trying to make sure I see everyone and have adequate time with each person that is on my "list."

However, on Sunday morning, I woke up and made a random decision to drive to Hixson, where I knew there would be a Starbucks. It was about 25 minutes away, and when I got there, I sat down with my hot chocolate (I know, I'm a sad excuse for a coffee drinker) and a scone…and opened my Bible. My current plan for Bible reading involves selecting a book to read for a month. I read it over and over again, hoping that eventually the words will sink deep into my memory and pop up when I need them most. The book for this month has been 2 Timothy, and every time I read it I am absolutely blown away. It's just crazy.

So today, in this blog, I want to simply share with the few people who actually read this what I've been reading lately, and what I'm taking away from it. Hopefully it will encourage some of you. :)

***

As I stated before, the entire book is amazing, but I'm finding that chapter 2 is becoming one of my all-time favorite passages of Scripture. It is insanely filled with amazing thoughts. For example:

"This is a trustworthy saying:

If we die with Him,

we will also live with Him.

If we endure hardship,

we will reign with Him.

If we deny Him,

He will deny us,

If we are unfaithful,

He remains faithful,

for He cannot deny who He is."

(2 Timothy 2:11-13)

Think about it. If we are unfaithful…He remains faithful. He cannot deny who He is.

God is LITERALLY incapable of abandoning us…no matter how far from Him we may run. To turn His back for one instant on our pitiful, sin-filled existence would go against the very nature of who He is. Despite constant rebellion, our daily wanderings from Him and His love…He never stops pursuing us and being the most faithful, committed Lover of our souls. 

Is that not the most beautiful thought?

However, there's another twist to this.

I'm also reading, as part of my daily growth plan, the book "The Jesus I Never Knew" by Philip Yancey. The book is completely focused on digging into the life and personality of Jesus, exposing Him in a way that most Christians never allow themselves to consider. In one particular chapter, Yancey delves into the idea of God's miraculous restraint; that is, why God chose (and continues to choose) to hold back His power and influence throughout history, allowing people to come to Him of their own accord instead of simply demanding all of creation's worship and adoration. He says, 

"The more I get to know Jesus, the more impressed I am by what…[is] called 'the miracle of restraint.' The miracles Satan suggested, the signs and wonders the Pharisees demanded, the final proofs I yearn for--these would offer no serious obstacle to an omnipotent God. More amazing is His refusal to perform and to overwhelm. God's terrible insistence of human freedom is so absolute that He granted us the power to live as though He did not exist, to spit in His face, to crucify Him."

Even though God is unable to desert us as we desert Him…even though He cannot ever stop loving us despite our almost continuous betrayal…He will never force us to change our minds or "prove" His way into our lives. But why? Why does He let us leave Him for the world's fleeting temptations on a nearly daily basis? To this question, Yancey replies,

"I believe God insists on such restraint because no pyrotechnic displays of omnipotence will achieve the response He desires. Although power can force obedience, only love can summon a response of love, which is the one thing God wants from us and the reason He created us."

God doesn't need our love to survive. But He craves it…just as we do. Think: We are created in the image of God. It blows my mind to think that our hearts' desperate need to be loved and desired by someone else is also a reflection of His heart, overflowing with longing for our love and desire for Him.

Go read that last sentence again. Make sure you grasp that idea. 

I mean, whoa.

*** 

Here's another verse.

"In a wealthy home some utensils are made of gold and silver, and some are made of wood and clay. The expensive utensils are used for special occasions, and the cheap ones are for everyday use. If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work."

(2 Timothy 2: 20-21)

Oh, to be clean. I freely admit that I haven't felt truly clean, truly pure in a long, long time. So many things from my past…decisions made by myself, actions taken by others; all of it produces an unsightly mess and a jagged scar around my soul. Most days, I feel heavy with remorse and crippled by regret. And yet, despite these yearnings to be better, to be different…I still find myself struggling daily with wanting the exact opposite. When will the battle be over? When will I truly be pure and be a clean slate for God to use the way He wants to? My heart wants to be ready…if only I could scrub and sanitize the rest of me. 

In "The Jesus I Never Knew," Yancey briefly addresses the issue of purity, and the fallacies with common Christian "stay pure" statements. Examples:

-"Marriage will cure lust." (It won't.)

-"With self-discipline you can master lust. (…with maybe a 3% success rate.)

-"True fulfillment can only be found in monogamy." (Tell that to every single person out there.)

He goes on to quote Francois Mauriac, a French Catholic writer who published a book entitled "What I Believe." Mauriac spent a great deal of time poring over these "statements" and came to the conclusion that there was, in actuality, only one reason to stay pure. He said, 

"Impurity separates us from God. The spiritual life obeys laws as verifiable as those of the physical world…Purity is the condition for a higher love--for a possession superior to all possessions: that of God. Yes, this is what is at stake, and nothing less."

Isn't it infuriating how the questions we struggle with the most always seem to boil down to the simplest answer? To conclude his thoughts on the subject, Yancey states,

"The love God holds out to us requires that our faculties be cleansed and purified before we can receive a higher love, one attainable in no other way. That is the motive to stay pure. By harboring lust, I limit my own intimacy with God."

So there it is.

If you, like me, desire to be a clean life for God to use as He sees fit; if you, like me, find yourself constantly being unfaithful to Him, take comfort in these two simple facts:

God wants our lives to be clean and pure just as much, if not more, than we do.

And no matter how many times we fail on this incredibly uphill journey…

He will never-I repeat, NEVER-stop loving us for one solitary moment.

Because, to put it even more simply, He can't.

And that is the most comforting fact of all.

The Husband Journal. (Warning: Extremely Personal & Explicitly Revealing. Read at Your Own Risk.)

I realize that my last blog post caused a lot of "controversy" amongst my friends and peers, and that this is the last thing anyone really wants to read.

But for the last few weeks, I've been sitting at home alone for a majority of most days, and therefore I have little to do but think.

Tonight, I was not tired, so I sat in my beanbag chair in the corner of my bedroom and started going through old journals. Yeah, I'm sentimental like that. It's both an endearing quality and an inevitable step to heartache. Tonight was far from endearing. In fact, tonight's discovery has led me into a mixture of depression, embarrassment and total feelings of failure.

Tonight, I found, perused and consequently despised The Husband Journal.

You see, when I was 15 years old, I went to a girls retreat with my youth group. Our leader informed us that we were going to be making "husband boxes." Which meant that we would cover shoeboxes with wedding wrapping paper and fill it with things that we could eventually present to our husbands when we married. Items such as letters, pictures, quotes, etc. Things that would show our husbands how faithfully we had waited for them.

Most of you who will read this blog didn't know me at 15. I was quite different. I was happy, positive, spiritually balanced, pure, content, and basically normal. Yes, this is a far cry from the woman I find myself embodying today. But more about that later.

15 year old Alexis was incredibly excited for this amazing project. I wrote my first letter on a piece of notebook paper and after folding it 20 times, placed it in the box. This was going to be awesome! A few days later, I ended up buying a leather journal so I could write as many letters to my future husband as I wanted. I was going to fill up this book with words of adoration, of hope, and of waiting for him.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is so you will understand what I'm feeling right now. And at the risk of overexposing my teenage years to the critical public eye, I want to show you a few excerpts from this book. I started writing in it when I was 15. I am now 23. I will give you a quote from each year.

2006 (15 years old)
"It's funny-I get so excited when I write these letters because I think about what you will say when you read this and how they will affect you. My prayer is that no matter how silly and unimportant they seem, you will realize how much thought and love was put into each one and will truly appreciate their value."

2007 (16 years old)
"I want you to know something. I am still waiting for you. No matter how hard it becomes, you are the only man I will ever date, ever kiss, and ever marry."

2008 (17 years old)
"It's so hard to wait. I could very easily give my heart away to many guys, but I'm trying to save it for you. God has convicted me of not trusting Him enough. I say that I believe His plan is perfect, but then I don't live like it. Must try harder…"

2009 (18 years old)
"I LOVE COLLEGE. So very much. I know I'm exactly where God wants me. Bryan is such a wonderful place….Sometimes I wonder if I've met you here at Bryan by now. Are we friends? Do we talk? Maybe we have classes together. Wouldn't that be cool…stay strong for me. Wait for me."

2010
(I didn't write anything in this journal from December 3, 2009 to May 10, 2011.)

2011 (20 years old)
"It's been almost 18 months since I wrote in here. I just finished my sophomore year at Bryan College. My 20th birthday was 2 days ago…Honestly, I don't really have a reason why. I think I have been struggling spiritually for a long time, and that has also made me struggle with you. I've lost my faith in the fact that you will come for me and sweep me off my feet. Part of me still yearns to hope, longs to dream…but most of me is tired of being hurt and rejected and lied to…I don't want it anymore."

2012 (21 years old)
"I've been writing in here since I was 15. Five years of my life, bits and pieces, are in this book. And it is sad how much I've changed since then. At 15, I had this perfect dream of finding a guy who was completely pure and had never even considered another girl, and we would know right away that we were meant to be, and it would be perfect, and our first kiss would be with each other…but I don't have my first kiss to give you. I've given my heart away. I've already said 'I love you' to someone else. I am so broken and scarred. How can I dream for something that I'm not anymore?"

2013 (22 years old)
"This journal has almost turned into a joke…First, it's a 15 year old writing stupid nonsense with old fashioned expectations. Now, it's a 22 year old that's been hurt too many times by too many guys, and this girl has very different expectations. I've changed so much in 7 years, and some of it's not pretty."

2014 (23 years old)
"I'm beginning to realize that the reason I don't write in this journal for a year in between each entry is because whenever I open it and read what I've written over the years…I hate myself. So much….I was young, no idea of what was ahead. No idea at all. And the thing is, I can't even remember what it felt like to be so full of hope and excitement--to be pure and expectant of all my dreams coming true. And even worse: I don't want to be her. It's not me. Now I'm the girl who has kissed multiple guys, almost all of which weren't even dating me. I'm the girl who has been touched and undressed without feeling guilty or remorseful. I'm the girl who shared a bed with a man because I was lonely and afraid. And now I'm the girl who has been abandoned and rejected by every man I've ever given my heart to. I feel like there's nothing left. And I've stopped believing that you exist."

***

I'm perfectly sure that most of you will think this was highly inappropriate to share on a public blog. But I honestly don't even care. Yeah, it's personal. It's REALLY personal. I haven't shared most of that stuff with more than 5 people…ever. But right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by the fragments of who I used to be and the reflection of who I am today. The differences are astounding, and I can't believe how much has changed. How many steps I took down this path. How vastly different my life was from what I imagined and dreamed it would be.

I don't think I'll be giving this journal to anyone, ever. But maybe I'll keep it for me; a sobering reminder of the choices I made, the people I used, the lessons I learned, and the heartache I lived through.

Maybe one day I'll discover something worthwhile that came from all of this mess.

The Truth About Why I'm Single.

As a child, I remember countless times of pretending to be a bride in an oversized nightgown, or a mother valiantly toting around baby dolls and trying in vain to feed them fake milk from plastic bottles and change imaginary diapers. 

Little girls always dream of being a wife and mother. I was no different.

But I remember a time when I was young...while sitting at the dinner table, I told my parents that I wanted to have babies, but I didn't want to get married. They sort of glanced at each other, and my mom asked, "Sweetie, you have to get married before you can have a baby." And my response was, "Oh. Well, I'll adopt them." The thought of having to live with a boy disgusted me, and all I wanted was a tiny baby to take care of. Simplicity at its finest.

Fast forward to high school and college days. Life experiences and being around children for various reasons had changed my outlook on marriage and childbearing quite drastically. In fact, I think it safe to say that my views were completely reversed. If you were to ask me what I wanted in life, I would probably have told you, "Well, I'd love to get married...but we are NOT having kids for at least 3 or 4 years...I could probably wait longer than that." The idea of having a child was overwhelming and all I wanted was a best friend to live everyday life with, and who would love me.

However, the main point of this post is to hash through my current view on marriage and family life...which, I am sorry to say, is very poor.

I never thought I would say this: but I have lost a great deal of faith in marriage. And it has recently affected my thoughts on dating as well, to the point where I can safely say that this is why I am single.

***

It hardly needs to be stated; our culture today does not take marriage seriously. Divorce has become a trend, prenuptial agreements are expected and encouraged. Finding whole, stable families is now a rare sight. It's just a sad fact of life.

I personally was blessed to grow up in a committed family with parents who would never dream of giving up. Also, being surrounded by a church family that presented countless examples of godly marriages and strong commitments gave me security. I firmly believed that if two Christians married and were determined to follow God together, their relationship could not fail. That's just the way things worked. However, over the years, life has dealt some severe blows to my naive view of marriage.

Blow #1: When I was 12 or 13, I discovered that my father had been married previously, when he was very young. He was married to a woman who was a Christian, just like himself. They were married for eight years...and then one day, she announced that she didn't love him anymore. And she left. 

This information was overwhelming to me. Not only was the childish security of one's parents always being together from the beginning of time shattered, but I could not understand how someone who loved God would stop loving my dad...or her husband, for that matter. It didn't make sense. 

Blow #2: While I have never been married (thank goodness), I have been in several dating relationships. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, almost every single one ended because they were either being unfaithful or simply grew tired of trying. I realize that dating is designed to be a trial period for marriage; it's not supposed to be a life time commitment. But it was a pattern. Loyalty and commitment, two elements necessary for a thriving relationship, were never there. It never lasted. They always ended up leaving. With these experiences as my only example of a romantic encounter, how could I ever believe that I would find someone to want only me forever? And even more importantly...every single guy I was involved with was a Christian, a believer. We had the same desire for the Lord in our lives, yet still the cheating and desertion continued. If Christian men weren't any different, how could I ever be sure of finding a godly man? 

Blow #3: This last injury to my already struggling faith in marriage occurred over the past year, and it has been the most crushing blow of all. As a young girl, there were several men in my church family that I adored; they were almost like superheroes to me. They were wonderful fathers and husbands. They exhibited the utmost love and commitment for their families and I looked up to them as examples of what I wanted in a husband someday. I knew I was blessed to have so many godly men in my life that reminded me of what I should hold out for.

But over the last year, several of these men have walked out on their wives and families, for various reasons. These men had been married for over 20 years. They had families and decades of a life with their spouses. And then, just like that, they were done. And nothing anyone said seemed to make a difference. They felt no guilt, no shame about their desertion. 

These were the same godly, courageous men that I had watched for so many years, praying that God would send me a man just like them. These were my role models, my heroes. 

If these marriages, which have existed for longer than my entire life, can't survive...if these couples, compiled of two believers with Christ living inside of them, fall apart....how can I ever expect to marry forever?

And I've eventually come to the conclusion that I can't.

It's heartbreaking, because even throughout heartache and pain, I have always managed to believe that one day, that person would come along that won't ever leave and won't ever stop loving me.

But I honestly don't know if I could trust someone that much anymore. 

Think about it: I could find a godly man, committed to the Lord and to me; a man who stands by his promises and who makes a life and a family with me...

But who's to say that 20 years down the road, he wouldn't walk out the door? When would I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's never leaving, that he's never giving up on me?

I've been struggling with this for a long time. To be honest, I haven't wanted to come to this conclusion. I know lots of couples who have thriving, stable marriages. They are happy and content and secure. And that's wonderful. 

I just don't know how I could ever get to that point...to remove all traces of doubt, to never question his loyalty or his commitment.

So for those of you who are in a beautiful marriage blessed by the Lord, I'm not hating on you or trying to belittle your relationship.

I'm simply saying that I don't...I can't believe in marriage personally. Not right now. Not with the things that have happened. And maybe one day, my heart will be changed and God will give me the ability to trust and to commit.

But until that day comes, this is where I am.

#ST14

At this exact moment, I am sitting on a train, typing this blog while looking out at the blur of Washington DC and urging the train to speed ahead to Lynchburg where my home waits for me. I'm sitting here reminiscing on everything that I experienced this summer, and I find it difficult to process all of the emotion that is in my heart. I'm not sure how to go about this, but I know that somehow, I have to figure out what the past 11 weeks have meant to me.

For those of you who aren't aware, I spent my entire summer traveling with Frick & Frack Music, which is a company based in Fredericksburg, VA. They devote their summers to holding performing arts day camps for children at various locations throughout the U.S. They teach kids how to sing, dance, act, and to succeed beyond anything they thought possible. Basically, Frick & Frack believes in holding kids to a higher standard. The music is challenging. The schedule is rather rigorous. But children will rise to whatever bar you set for them. Therefore, we help children to outdo themselves and to be successful in whatever they do. It's a wonderful ministry.

So, on May 25 I packed my bags and headed to Stafford, VA to meet up with the remainder of the staff. My nerves were through the roof and I was overwhelmed by the uncertainty and fear of failure. I had no idea what to expect from this experience. There was not a single person I knew previously on this tour, and as most of you know, that terrifies me. I do NOT handle new people well. When I arrived at the studio where everyone was working, I felt alone and isolated. People were nice enough, but I felt like an outsider looking in at a group that was already formed, already situated. I had no idea how I was going to make friends, let alone ever feel comfortable around them.

However, after a week of packing all of the equipment and sorting through costumes and props, we finally hit the road to Opelousas, LA. Once again, I was overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and fear of the unknown. There had been little explanation of how camp was conducted, and I was in the dark about my responsibilities and the expectations that were placed on me. I found out I was going to be on the staging team, which was exciting (since the other teams were lighting and sound). At least I would be doing something theatre related. I was also going to be a back-up accompanist...weird for me after doing so much accompanying at Bryan, but I was just trying to go with the flow.

***

The first day of camp was...an interesting experience for me.

I felt lost and entirely unprepared. Everyone else seemed to have an idea of what was going on, but I was in the dark. We were assigned our individual dance groups, and I was given the song choreographed for the 5 and 6 year old girls.

For those of you who know me...you know that I don't do well with children anyway. Give me little ones, and it's a potential disaster. So I'm thinking, "This is going to be the longest summer of my life."

But God began to show me, as He did millions of times this summer, that He knows what He's doing and that His ideas for my life are going to be far better than whatever I could plan.

These were 3 of my girls from the first week of camp. They turned out to be so much fun.

This first week was long and confusing, and I got frustrated at times. But when Friday night arrived and I was backstage listening to these children sing their hearts out, I realized that it would be worth it. Helping these kids to succeed...that's what really mattered.

I was also learning a lot about the technical side of theater, which was wonderful because I didn't have a lot of experience in that area.

Putting up the backdrop....eventually I was able to do this :)

Not to mention the friendships that were beginning to solidify. I started to realize that these people were pretty fantastic.

Laura, Sarah & Erica. This was just the beginning.

Week Two found us in Baton Rouge, LA. It was a much smaller camp with vastly different kids. Most of them came from rough home situation and were not as educated as the children from Opelousas. But we still managed to have a fantastic week of camp, and I know I was probably more proud of these kids for persevering through the difficulties.

My 6 year olds for Week Two. Feisty but adorable.

Week Three ended up being the most difficult week of the summer. We were in Slidell, LA. The building where we held camp had no AC, only ventilation fans that brought in hot air from outside. The final show was also held in this building, which meant that working backstage during the performance almost killed the staff and the children involved. It was an exhausting week, and we had one staff member pass out from the intense heat. Because we had so few kids, several of the staff members (including me) had to fill in for the remaining drama parts of the show. It was definitely a huge learning experience in perseverance and flexibility.

Despite the heat, we tried our best to love on these kids.

Week Three complete.

Week Four was exactly what we all needed after the difficult camp at Slidell. We traveled to Palm City, FL. It was sunny, warm and gorgeous...with lots of AC and hot water. :) It's the little things, really.

The kids this week were incredible: enthusiastic, excited and very talented. We barely had to do anything to prepare them for the show! I had another great group of little girls. Our time in Palm City was a gracious gift from God.

I mean, this is the church campus. WHAT.

This week was when Abby and I started to become close friends. 

Week Five held some changes. We acquired a new staff member, Trent, who ended up being one of my best friends this summer. Back in Baton Rouge, we were at a church that had hosted Frick & Frack for 10 years of summer tours. The kids here knew what to expect and they were great to work with.

My girls for this week. Absolutely adorable.

Thomas began his weekly skits with the kids. He would dress up as different characters and interact with them.

Getting to meet this guy changed my life. Really.

Week Six found us in Columbia, SC. This was an amazing place. The church was massive with excellent facilities. But our staff was starting to tire, and as a result we were all rather tense and frustrated. To make things worse, on Friday night after the show, the entire backdrop (which is huge and extremely heavy) fell down. Thankfully, no one was hurt and no equipment was destroyed, but it put a negative spin on everything and I found myself wondering if this was how the remainder of the tour would be. Nevertheless, there were some beautiful moments from this week.

I mean, does this really need a caption?

Thomas came up with even better characters for this week.

Week Seven brought us to Chelsea, AL. At this point the weeks are beginning to run together, and I'm having difficulty remembering what happened where. We spent Sunday at a mall having free time, which was badly needed...and I was able to meet up with old friends from college, so that was huge plus. The week went well. After the first day, the other pianist on staff ended up going home, which meant that I was the only pianist in the group and therefore was playing for every rehearsal. And guess what? I LOVED it. Despite the extra work, I was finally doing what I had been hired to do: accompany. :) 

Family Movie Night: we watched Get Smart. :)

A hymnal we found in the sanctuary. "Bye Mr. Satan."

Week Eight was held in Chattanooga, TN. I can honestly say that this was the best week of camp I experienced all summer. We had 100 kids (largest camp) and they were INCREDIBLE. The show was completely amazing and we had a packed house. Plus, there was a Sonic one minute away from the church and we went every single night. :) Despite the random fire alarm going off at 4 am one night and some sickness among the staff, we had a fantastic week. 

The BEST Carmine and Miranda we had all summer.

Packed audience while kids look on nervously in the balcony.

Week Nine was in Lynchburg, VA. I was not expecting this week to be as hard for me as it was. First of all, I was 20 minutes away from home. All of my friends were within reach and my family was so close...and I realized how much I actually missed them. Then, upon arriving at West Lynchburg Baptist on Sunday, I became quite sick and my friend Abby had to go home due to vertigo. She was supposed to leave a week early anyway, so this meant that we lost our last week with her. I was miserable, still trying my best to fulfill all of my responsibilities and recover from a sinus infection. It was a rough week, and to be honest it was the last place I wanted to be. But God was faithful, and I made it. I also was able to have dinner with my parents one night, which helped to alleviate the homesickness. 

However, Abby came back for the show on Friday night, and we had to say goodbye...for good. Trent and I had become very close with her and the three of us were inseparable. Saying goodbye was difficult; I have no idea if I will ever see her again. But God put her in my life for a reason, and her friendship blessed me so much. I'll never forget her.

Best backstage crew EVER.

So thankful for this girl.

Our final week of tour was held in Stafford, VA...at the Frick & Frack studio. We only had 17 kids (smallest camp) but these children knew what was expected and pulled off the best show I had ever seen. They sang louder and performed above and beyond what I ever thought they could. This week was bittersweet...each day became more difficult as we knew the tour was almost over. The thought of saying goodbye to these people terrified me and I tried to think about it as little as possible. Every moment of this week is so dear to me. 

We would congregate in Erica and I's bedroom and just be together. 

Such a small group; such a powerful performance.

Then came the day everyone was dreading: today. The day we had to say goodbye indefinitely and go our separate ways. And yes, I was sad. But I was also looking forward to going home, to seeing my family and friends, to start packing all of my stuff for my move to Knoxville in 2 weeks. It had been an incredible summer, but it was time to move on to the next thing.

However, I got all of my stuff together, and I went outside to the car...and everyone was just standing around, waiting to say goodbye. With each person I hugged, my emotions got more difficult to control. I opened the car door and looked up to see all of my friends waving, tears in their eyes. Choosing to look away and close the door was the most difficult thing I've done in a long time.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but these people have changed my life and the experiences I've gone through with them over the past 11 weeks have bonded us in a way that I'll never have with anyone else. And it hurts to think that I may not ever see some of them again. I have no way of knowing where I'll be a year from now, and whether our paths will cross. But I do know this: God blessed me with some incredible friendships and some amazing moments this summer. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

All of this only begins to scratch the surface of my summer. If you want to know more, just ask me. I'm leaving part of my heart with these people, and I'll miss them everyday. Thanks for the memories, guys. I love you all.

Forgiveness. (Part One)

I have been wanting to blog SO badly, but my schedule this summer just doesn't comply with that part of my life.

So, needless to say, I have a million things I want to write about...but the most pressing one on my mind right now has to do with a book I'm currently reading.

It's called "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, this book is completely transforming the way I look at forgiveness and grace. I knew grace was very important, even central, to my faith...but Yancey describes it in such black and white terminology that I can't help but see all of the glaring inconsistencies within my portrayal of grace to others around me.

I'm hoping to do several blog posts on this subject, so this first one will focus on the concept of forgiveness.

***

"To bless the people who have oppressed our spirits, emotionally deprived us, or in other ways handicapped us, is the most extraordinary work any of us will ever do." -Elizabeth O 'Connor 

I think most Christians know the phrase "God will judge everything...one day everyone will face consequences for their sins and their actions against you." Yeah, ok, that's really comforting when the people who have hurt you are living their lives just fine, happy and content and as if nothing ever happened.

We crave justice. But that craving is skewed from sin and as a result, we desire revenge and retribution in an ungodly way. But the thing about revenge is that it's never settled. It just bounces back and forth from side to side, building up more walls of resentment and, consequently, leaving more rubble of hurt and despair in its wake.

Ok, so we want justice, and we seek revenge. But how do we reconcile that desire with our commitment to following the Lord?

We can't.

And to make it even worse...if we continue to try, we'll be in a dangerous place with the One we desire to be with the most.

Charles Williams has said of the Lord's Prayer, "No word in the English carries a greater possibility of terror than the little word 'as' in that clause." What makes the "as" so terrifying? The fact that Jesus plainly links our forgiven-ness by the Father with our forgiving-ness of fellow human beings. Jesus' next remark could not be more explicit: "If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Now THAT is a blow to our insatiable need for revenge. I think of all of the terribly, filthy, unspeakable acts I have committed against God...and I tremble with the knowledge of the punishment I deserve. I think of my sins, and I think of how Jesus has paid for all of them...and I realize that I am in no place to deny forgiveness. God has forgiven the worst of my sins. How can I refuse to do the same to another? Even Paul humbly admits, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst."

Yancey says, "By denying forgiveness to others, we are in effect determining them unworthy of God's forgiveness, and thus so are we. In some mysterious way, divine forgiveness depends on us."

Whoa. I mean, really. Who am I to determine that another person doesn't deserve the grace of God in their life? I would never want to proclaim that judgment on someone. But I do just that, every time I hold a grudge or feel resentment towards another.

As Yancey points out, "Only the experience of being forgiven makes it possible for us to forgive."


 Alright. I'm forgiven. I fully and gratefully embrace that fact. So what now?

Now I have to take that undeserved grace that was poured out on my blackened and diseased soul...and I have to pour it out on the people in my life that have attacked, wounded and scarred me.

*sigh*

It's so hard. As Yancey points out:

"Forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issue of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

Lewis Smedes describes the process of forgiving someone, and the way he phrases the act resonates within me:

When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory. You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful."

Whew. Recreating your past is a terribly difficult task to accomplish. Memories remain, wounds try their best to remain fresh and bleeding. But when we truly forgive, when we finally decide to look at someone who has let us down and choose to see a new creature with obvious flaws but a redeemed soul...our past becomes a distant thought and the future spreads out in a beautiful tapestry of hope and new beginnings.

To close, I want to quote a passage from Henri Nouwen:

...God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."