June 2018: Part of the Cure.

JUNE 2018

There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.

-Vladimir Lenin

***

I feel like I say this every month, but I truly mean it this time.

June has been one of those times where I look back and think, "There's no way to adequately describe all that I've experienced."

So, to prove the point, I reached out to people who have been around me in some way for the past 4 weeks. I asked them to describe my month in one word. The results were...well, varied.

Tumultuous.

Shifting.

Transitional.

Unsettling.

Turbulent.

Hell.

Spasmodic.

Challenging.

Vomit. (He said he was joking, but it still applies.)

Refining.

Fulfilling.

Regardless of whether the word's focus was on the negative events or positive outcomes, it's safe to say that June 2018 was something I would never wish on anyone.

After living in Appomattox, VA for 8 months, I moved to Dayton, TN at the beginning of June. I was beginning my summer gig as a Production Stage Manager for a show about the historic Scopes Trial. It would be my third year in this position with this production, and I knew from the start that it was going to be a much bigger challenge than ever before.

I'm not going to go into specifics because, quite honestly, they're not important. But from my first day on the job, I was thrown into a very stressful, toxic and unhealthy theatrical environment that sapped all of my joy and confidence with every rehearsal.
The relationship I had with the director was unstable and highly damaging to my self-esteem. I dreaded every phone call, every email and every interaction with that person.
The show itself was struggling.
The cast was struggling.
My team of interns were struggling.
I was so empty, and it had only been a week. I remember coming home and laying on the floor in front of my roommate's couch in despair. She said, "What happened this time?" And I just sighed deeply before replying, "We still have 7 weeks to go. I'm never going to make it."

You would think that after 2 previous summers with this particular team, I would be more aware of what to expect.
You would think that I'd be better prepared for how to deal with difficult and unpredictable artists.

You would think.

Anyway, it quickly became apparent that this summer was going to be a far cry from what I had hoped.

And gosh.........was I right.

Song #1: When I'm Weary, Dave Matthews Band

When I'm weary

When I'm tired

You remind me

To keep on trying 

There'll be dark, dark days

More are coming

Just as sure as this

Sweet earth beneath my feet

It don't matter

Come tomorrow

Together we must face

What lies ahead

When you're weary

When you're tired

Please remember 

To keep on going 

***

So I sat speechless, a ringside observer at my own trial, until the end of the circus.

-John T. Scopes, Center of the Storm

I'm pretty sure that everyone who is reading this (or almost, anyway) has heard of the Scopes Trial, but knows basically nothing about it. I'm ashamed to say that after 2 years of working on this production, I still knew very little about the story and the characters themselves.

Due to one of my interns reading John Scopes' autobiography entitled Center of the Storm, I have been able to awaken a riveting passion for this story that I've never had before. It has given me a desire to tell this story in a new and creative way; to help other people realize why this trial was such an important part of history.
So, despite the ridiculously discouraging days and completely awful rehearsals, I could at least get together with people who were just as passionate about the story and brainstorm ways of making it better. We could focus on the future, since the present moment was incredibly hopeless and artistically debilitating.
Someday.
Someday.
Someday.

Why is it that when we focus on what lies ahead of us, something ALWAYS happens to yank us back into the present? I've firmly held the opinion that dreaming was a good thing. But it seems like every time I dream, I'm smacked in the face with the reality of what's directly in front of me.

This month was no exception in that regard. I was about to get blindsided by reality, and I was in no way prepared. (What else is new.)

Song #2: Bird Set Free, Keala Settle

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing

You would wind me down

I struggled on the ground

So lost, the line had been crossed

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk

You held me down

I struggled to fly now 

But there's a scream inside that we all try to hide

We hold on so tight, we cannot deny

Eats us alive...

Well I don't care if I sing off key

I found myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I shout it out like a bird set free

***

Let me say something about ethics in the theater...The better the play, the more we need an ensemble venture. We must recognize that we need each other's strengths, and the more we need each other's professional comradeship, the better the chance we have of making theater. We must serve the play by serving each other.

-Uta Hagen

I've been spending a lot of time over the past month searching for quotes on collaboration and the idea of theatrical teamwork. As a director, I know it's easy to become dictatorial and wanting your own way on everything. A lot of people would say that the director has that right. And maybe that's true. But I have always valued having others around me to confirm my instincts or offer another option I hadn't even considered.

Theatre is pointless if you're alone at the finish line.

A little over a week ago (gosh, I can't believe it's only been a week), the director of Front Page News was asked to step down from the production. I received a phone call from the producer and he said, "If I told you that you were taking over the show tomorrow, would you be ready?"
And I just sat there in silence, holding the phone and feeling about 4302284920 emotions all at once.

Directing for theatre is my greatest passion & truest love. I'm never happier than when I'm directing.
It's also been a goal of mine to eventually direct for this festival.
But...I didn't imagine it happening this way. I felt sick. Despite my turbulent relationship with the director, I had no wish to "kick them out" and take over their show.
Not like this.

However, due to unfortunate circumstances, it had to happen. And everything literally exploded in the worst possible chain of events.
If you're curious, ask me about it sometime.
(It's way more entertaining to watch me run around a room and re-enact everything myself, I promise.)

Nevertheless, I have taken up this little show and the not-so-little cast, and we have determined to pull this production together in the 3 weeks we have left.
They have been nothing but supportive, understanding and patient.
I have had an incredible team of interns to take responsibilities off of me and allow me to focus on the artistic side of the show.
They go out of their way to ease my burden and have been so encouraging to me at every turn.
I have an Assistant Director who jumped on board from day one, offers amazing insight, and even runs around an empty courtroom to help me visualize how to stage 40 people in an artistic manner. Together, we laugh at the humorous moments, admire the beauty of the genuine moments, and despair in the stressful moments.

We are a team, plain and simple:
The cast, crew, designers, and an excited, overwhelmed, nervous, and totally in-her-element-at-last director.

 It's been a heck of an adventure.

Song #3: Don't Worry, Frank Turner

Don't worry if you don't know what to do

I've spent a little time in worried shoes

I wore them out through walking 

It wasn't any use

Don't worry if you don't know what to do

Don't give up if you just can't get your way

Don't listen to the bitter things they say

Put those thoughts behind you

Tomorrow's a new day

Don't give up if you just can't get your way

Life hurts

And love will burn

Don't we wish it weren't that way

And if it falls to bits

You should fix it

Don't throw it away 

***

If you make art at all, you're a part of the cure.

At the beginning of the month, I was watching the Tony Awards, and in the opening number they sang the above line.

Isn't it so beautiful?

I just want to put that on a huge plaque and display it at every theatre I walk into.
Because, in reality, that's why we do theatre at all, right?
We tell stories to create change.
We tell stories to provoke emotional responses.
We tell stories to reveal truth.
We tell stories to remember the past, and impact the future for the better.

In the show, there is a song entitled "Mirror for Tomorrow." It was a brand-new addition to the script this year, and the verse is honestly my favorite in the entire production. With everything that has occurred over the past few weeks, it seems even more appropriate to post...and to reflect upon.

If there is a mirror for life, a mirror to show tomorrow

It must be yesterday, yesterday...in hope and sorrow

If we can't remember the past, our children will relive it

But if they learn from our mistakes, the future shines

I never thought I would say such a thing about this particular show and experience...

But I'm honestly so glad I get to be a part of the cure.

By telling this story, and by learning from my mistakes of years past, I can help create a future that shines brighter than before. 

And some people say a life in the theatre is a pointless endeavor. 

Oh, how wrong they are. 

May 2018: Seasons. (And a LOT of Morgan Harper Nichols' Poetry)

MAY 2018

More than you see
the way things haven't worked out,
more than you see
the unwritten page of the chapter
you are anxious to complete,
see all around you the change that is happening.
See the way the leaves color and burn
and the many things in this season
you are going to learn,
because just as there are
a hundred unread books on the shelf
there are one hundred things
you do not yet know about yourself.
And that is okay.
In fact, it is supposed to be that way.
This is change.
And it is a beautiful thing.
You are still growing,
into who you are meant to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

Song #1: Seasons, Hillsong Worship

Like the frost on a rose

Winter comes for us all

How nature acquaints us

With the nature of patience

Like a seed in the snow

I've been buried to grow

For His promise is loyal

From seed to sequoia 

And I know

Though the winter is long, even richer

the harvest it brings

Though my waiting prolongs, even greater

His promise for me, like a seed

I believe in my season to come

I can see the promise

I can see the future

You're the God of seasons

I'm just in the winter

If all I know of harvest

Is that it's worth my patience

Then if you're not done working

God, I'm not done waiting

***

May 2018 has had many wonderful moments:

-I turned 27.

-I traveled to Ruston, LA and got to see my grad school professors, my best friends and catch up with people I hadn't seen in far too long.

-I was able to help my person pack up her entire life and watch her move to New York to start an amazing career.

-I finished out my stint as a 6th grade teacher at Cornerstone Christian Academy.

-I traveled to NYC with my parents and was able to experience 3 incredible Broadway productions.

However, this post is going to be focused on one thing in particular: Seasons.

You see...I've known since May 1 what the title of this blog post was going to be. 

That's because on May 1, I stumbled across a song (see above) that pretty much defined how I've tried to look at this entire month.

No, I take that back.

This song basically sums up how the last 6 months of my life have gone. 

***

When you look at the whole story
and where you've been,
be grateful
for slow and steady growth.
Be grateful
for those moments in the morning
to sit and think
and sink into thoughts
in that very moment:
rest,
reflect,
remember
just how far
you've come,
and how your story
is not over.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

Song #2: The Sun Will Come Up, The Seasons Will Change, Nina Nesbitt

I'm twenty-two years old

Crazy that I stood here just five years ago

With the heat on my skin

And a lover who is now someone I don't know

Crazy how much my life has changed in just a year

There's people I've met, people I've left

And some that didn't make it here

You don't see it, when it's happening, happens over time

First you're laughing, then you're crying

Then you can't decide

My life's uncertain and sometimes strange

But one thing I've learned is it won't stay the same

Even in the darkness I'll be okay

The sun will come up, the seasons will change

***

Every single human life is made up of seasons. 

Good seasons. 

Bad seasons. 

Seasons of joy. 

Seasons of uncertainty. 

Seasons of contentment.

Seasons of suffering. 

Seasons of anticipation.

Seasons of loneliness. 

Seasons of being surrounded by love and laughter.

Seasons of deep, deep hurt.

We experience them all at one point or another...without fail. 

This is a tricky concept for someone who hates change to understand, much less accept. 

(FYI, that's me. In case you didn't figure that out yet. I HATE change.)

So naturally, I've been starting to struggle with this particular season of my life coming to an end.

Which is ridiculous. Because this season has been one of the most difficult of my life. I don't say that to sound dramatic. It really has.

And May was a particularly challenging time.

***

It's time to let it go,

float high above the hills

where you can finally breathe

and you finally heal.

Let this be your farewell,

a story you can tell

of just how far you've come

and how much more there is to go.

So let it go,

where you can finally breathe

and you finally heal.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

***

Song #3: Sound of Walking Away, Illenium & Kerli

I've been drowning inside you

While my love it just pours out

I've been running behind you

But enough is enough

Now don't come find me
I won't be here waiting
I so can do it alone
You're not worth staying

Weren't listening but now there's no way you won't hear
There's a voice emerging in the night so loud and clear
I'll turn it up like you turn me down, I'm not afraid
Hit play, hit play
It's the sound of walking away

***

I don't want to go into unnecessary detail, but I will say this:

The new position I have at Bryan College has been my dream for years now, and I still can't believe I'm going to be there in the fall.
But in order to give me what my heart desired most, I think the Lord had to make sure I was going to be the person He needs me to be there.
As a result, God has slowly but surely been purging my life of elements that were distracting me, holding me back, or leading me in the wrong direction.
Over the past month I have had to walk away from several things (including people) that were keeping me from moving forward into this new season.
It has been a month of ridiculously hard goodbyes. Goodbyes I didn't know I would have to say, and goodbyes that I begged Him to prevent.
But He didn't.
And I know it will be quite some time before I'm truly at peace with the decisions I've had to make.

***

Things will look different now

for your soul's been changed for good,

and you will not fall apart

even though you thought you would.

For even though

you do not feel

as strong as you used to be

you are finding hope,

for this new season

is exactly what you need.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

***

It's difficult. And I struggle. A lot.
I struggle because ultimately, I believe in a God who specializes in restoring broken hearts, repairing broken people, and redeeming broken relationships.
So I can't help but wonder why in my life, it seems like the opposite is happening everywhere I look.
But I have to rest in what I know to be true about God.
The reconciliation or restoration may not be done in the way I want, or in the time I think is appropriate.
And to be honest, just because it has taken place in the other person's life doesn't mean I will ever know about it personally. But I have no doubt that it is possible.
So, even through painful goodbyes and hurtful endings, I'm taking heart in my confidence that the Lord can redeem what's been broken, as He sees fit.
One day.

***

Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well. 
Take the initiative, stop hesitating, and take the first step. 
Be resolute when God speaks, act in faith immediately on what He says, 
and never revise your decisions. 
If you hesitate when God tells you to do a thing, you endanger your standing in grace. 
Take the initiative, take it yourself, 
take the step with your will now, 
make it impossible to go back. 
Burn your bridges behind you...
Make the thing inevitable.

-Oswald Chambers

***

Song #4: Anywhere But Here, Sick Puppies

I held onto you for as long as I could

But today, you fell away

Now what I hold are the memories we barely made

What I believed to be true 

It was only a dream that lived in me...

I self medicated my way

Through this mess that we made

So I could stay, there was nothing but I waited, I waited

This was my mistake

Broken are plans we made

So I will be traveling any place

Cause anywhere's better than

Here we rest in peace

Rubble beneath my feet

I shouldn't have followed you anywhere

Cause anywhere's better than here

***

It's strange to think that the past 6 months--all of the uncertainty, the loneliness, the constant wondering why I was here--has led up to this moment. This season of my life has definitely been one of waiting. I have been waiting on God to open up the door to my future, and......boy, has He.

The door has been flung wide open, with no question of where He wants me to go from here. 

This season has had so many valleys, and so many challenges, but I can look back and see all of the growth that has taken place.
And I suppose that's really why life comes and goes this way...
So we can trace His hand through each season and live in constant gratitude for His protection, provision and guidance.

I'm sad to see aspects of my life here come to an end, but I am beyond excited to jump into the amazing future that's unfolding before me. A brand-new season, full of potential and untold stories waiting to be lived out.

*deep breath*

Ok. Here we go.

Hear the wind as it howls around you

over the ridges and into the valley

where you stand in the drying weeds,

with a sense of new days coming.

See the setting sun

turning barren lands

into rows of endless yellow

that now has you thinking,

maybe a change of a season

is more than sorrow,

but a leap, a promise

for hope

tomorrow.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

April 2018: Trust God and Do Good.

APRIL 2018

Song #1: Miracle, CHVRCHES

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

Careful what you wish for 

We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies

Saying that we wanted more

I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly

Where does all the good go?

We're looking for answers in the highest of highs

But will we ever, ever know?

And I need you to know

I'm not asking for a miracle

But if love is enough, could you let it show?

If you feel it, could you let me know?

***

The journey of this life is a mixture of clarity and dimness of God's presence.

-Rusty Small

***

If I had to sum up this past month in one sentence, it would probably go something like this:

Life doesn't ever come to a screeching halt, even when you wake up everyday wishing it would. 

Isn't it funny when you realize that no matter what you may face in your personal life, the next morning still arrives and the world still expects you to get out of bed and continue on as if nothing had happened? No tragedy is too big to keep the sun from rising and the workday beginning and your responsibilities waiting. 

It's exhausting. 

April was a month where there seemed to be one thing after another after another after another. Some were good, and some were not. But regardless, the days kept rolling on until I noticed the calendar said April 28. The month was almost done, and I had barely come up for air. 

Easter Sunday was a blur of church responsibilities, dressing up and taking pictures with family--just like always. It was also accompanied by the excitement of having an ENTIRE WEEK off for Spring Break. I hadn't realized how badly I needed the time to just relax, let my brain unwind and enjoy spending time with people. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about anything for a short while.

During this time our community theatre was also hard at work preparing for our performances of The Importance of Being Earnest. Although it was incredibly stressful to have so many rehearsals in the evenings after long days of school, I am SO thankful that I was able to have the experience. Besides convincing one of my best friends to audition and participate with me, I got to know some really great people and feel the joy of being onstage once again. 

Song #2: Sing My Way Back, Steffany Gretzinger

When we were young the road was easy

But time moves on and people change

If we're not falling, we're not flying

You can't have love without the pain

And when I lose direction

When I can't see the stars

If we get disconnected

I'll sing my way back to Your heart

I'll sing my way back to Your arms 

***

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

-J.K. Rowling

***

you cannot be destroyed

by your imperfections

when you know you are saved

by perfect grace

-Morgan Harper Nichols

***

April was also a period of being flattened by some difficult realizations; realizations about myself and the type of person I wanted to be on a day-to-day basis. Everyone can be wishy-washy or two faced about certain things, whatever, we've all been there. But I was finally forced to admit some harsh truths about who I had become...and to decide what I was going to do about it. My mentor and one of my best friends has been there every step of the way, always ready to pour wisdom into my overwhelmed heart and guide me in the right direction when I try to make a break for it once again.

Here's the thing.

When you look in the mirror and see someone you don't recognize staring back at you, there are two options: you can avoid acknowledging how far you've fallen....or you can run like hell back to the only One who will love you in the regret, hold you through the pain and carry you to a place of forgiveness and renewal. 

It has not been a pleasant journey for me by any means, and I'm in NO way saying I'm anywhere close to where I want to be. 

It's going to continue to suck for a long time (I have a hunch, anyway). 

It's going to be ridiculously hard. 

But it's a start.

And I can already feel my old self coming back bit by bit...which brings a smile in the midst of the ache. 

Song #3: My Soul I, Anna Leone 

My soul I am broken by you

One morning I'll wake up renewed

Don't go love

I need you to stay

My soul I am broken today

And I will work out what it meant

And I will mend you in the end

Cause I'll do anything to love you

Love you

It may not be easy to see

But I'm ready, I need to believe 

***

Sometimes change is just one girl with her fists clenched, no longer willing to be trodden on.

-Elisabeth Hewer

***

detach from what destroys you

-r.h. Sin

***

As I have been dealing with these challenges, I noticed that one of my favorite things--social media--was only bringing me further down into depression. We have this tendency to constantly compare our lives to others around us. 

Why do we do that? 

What does it accomplish except to drain our joy and feed our anxiety? 

It was literally causing me to have panic attacks. 

So I decided to take a week-long social media "fast." I deleted every app off of my phone and promised myself not to go on ANYTHING for at least 5 days. 

My mentor also challenged me to use the time to do at least one random act of kindness every day, and to journal about what I did. She said that when we are struggling with something and instead choose to look outside of ourselves for people to encourage and support, we often find peace and healing through it. 

She said, "During this time you just need to trust God and do good."

So that was the theme of my week: 

Trust God and Do Good. 

And I followed her advice. 

Every day I did something totally random for someone who had a meaningful role in my life lately; sent cards to a couple of teachers from my school, bought doughnuts for my students during their end-of-the-year testing, etc. And you know what? 

It was probably the best week of the entire month. 

I was so relieved to not be constantly scrolling past posts/analyzing what they meant, or trying to keep up with everyone's lives that I wasn't a part of anymore. 

I could just focus on what was in front of me. 

It was so incredibly refreshing. 

Of course, it wasn't going to last forever. It's just not that realistic to go off the grid permanently like that in our culture, especially when I'm about to launch new social media accounts for my upcoming job in TN...but it was nice to know I could do it, and that it can really help me detox from unhealthy behaviors if needed. 

Song #4: One Of These Days, Vance Joy

You think you're ready

But you've got too much on your mind

Too much left to prove

No easy answers

 You've got to work it out yourself

You won't hear anyone but you

The moment you stop looking

Wherever you go, you'll be in the right place

You'll never know the difference it makes

When you let go and give up the chase

I'll come find you one of these days 

***

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

-William James

***

In the midst of all of that, there was a particularly bright moment. My lifelong best friend and her husband had a gender reveal party for the child they're expecting.....IT'S A GIRL!!!! 

It meant so much to be a part of the family gathering and to share in her excitement at the news. She's going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see how this little girl grows up in such a strong and loving home. 

Man, it's just crazy how quickly life happens. One day you're both in 8th grade with braces and middle parts...the next you're shopping for baby girl clothes and wondering where the time went. 

I could not be happier for her, though. Oh my gosh I'm so excited. 

So that's pretty much the jist of April 2018. I'm sure there's a lot of little things I've forgotten to mention, but I don't really care. 

I'm wrapping up the next 2 weeks of school...

Going to Ruston, LA to see my person direct her first show at Louisiana Tech... 

Taking a 3 day trip to NYC with my parents to see BROADWAY SHOWS (more on that later)..

And then figure out just how I'm going to leave Appomattox and start my brand-new life in Tennessee.

May's blog post is gonna be a good one, I can feel it.

Song #5: You're Gonna Be Ok, Bright Ones (feat. Tea Johnson)

I know you're trying hard to just be strong

And it's a fight just to keep it together, together

I know you think that you are too far gone

But hope is never lost, hope is never lost

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be OK

I know your heart is heavy from those nights

 But just remember that you are a fighter

You never know just what tomorrow holds

And you're stronger than you know, stronger than you know

When the night is closing in

Don't give up and don't give in

This won't last, it's not the end

You're gonna be OK

March 2018: P E A C E.

MARCH 2018

It's all messy:

the hair.

the bed.

the words.

the heart.

Life.

-William Leal

Oh man. 

What a mess life can be at times. 

When I look back over the past month, I definitely see snapshots of me, a total mess. 

I've been a physical mess due to utter exhaustion. 

I've been an emotional mess due to unforeseen chaos. 

I've been a spiritual mess as I have asked God to make sense of all the things happening at once. 

Yeah. Life is messy. 

But life is also insanely wonderful. 

And that brings me to the first major event that struck in the month of March:

I FOUND OUT THAT I GOT MY DREAM JOB.

There aren't enough words to adequately express how excited I am to be working at Bryan College in the fall. For the past 5 years, I've been entertaining the thought of returning to my alma mater and taking the place of my mentor, Bernie Belisle, after his retirement. It's been something I've had in my mind as my "impossible dream," one I wanted so badly that I was afraid to fully admit it to people. Only a few trusted souls knew how desperately I hoped for this dream to be fulfilled. And once the search process actually began, I was even more afraid...because now, it was real. Now, instead of just a hypothetical, it was a legitimate chance of being rejected and realizing I had to find another dream to take its place.

But God is so good. That's really all I can say. 

He listened to me quietly whispering my fears and worries and flooded my heart with peace. Throughout the entire on-campus interview (which, by the way, was one of the most draining things I've ever experienced), I was honestly calm and confident. Sure, I had normal amounts of nerves...but compared to how I NORMALLY react to stressful experiences like that, I know without a doubt that He was walking beside me every step of the way. 

As someone who grew up in church, you hear the phrase "If what you want is in line with God's will for you, He will always grant the desires of your heart." It's such a humbling moment when you realize that something you wanted so much was what God wanted for you too. What a wonderful feeling.

Song #1: Don't Give Up On Me, Illenium

***This song doesn't actually have any deep meaning to me getting my dream job...but when I heard it I had a beyond AWESOME idea for how to use it in my concept for Hamlet (which is one of my dream shows I want to direct), so I guess in a roundabout way it does have significance :)***

If you can teach 6th grade for 9 weeks and survive, you can teach college for life.

-Meg Puckett

The other major life event that occurred during March 2018 was me, teaching 6th grade.

Yeah, you heard me correctly. Almost everyone I've told has immediately raised their eyebrows and said, "You.....teaching kids? Shouldn't you know better?"

And in reality, I would agree with you. Kids are not my strong suit; they never have been. But in a whirlwind of events which I won't go into here, I found myself agreeing to become a 6th grade teacher for the last 9 weeks of the school year. It's a very small private school in my hometown...I only have 7 students. And they are all wonderfully unique and have their individual challenges. But every single day has been a total adventure and we're learning together. It's definitely not the job I would have EVER chosen for myself, but it gives me a purpose while I'm at home and keeps me extremely busy, which is a good thing. Plus I have some amazing stories from it...and you know me, I'm a sucker for a funny story about my life. 

Song #2: Bridges Burn, NEEDTOBREATHE

It's time for moving on

There's some things you can't forget

It's sinking us like a stone

I just wanna bury it

I wanna watch all my bridges burn

Stand in the rain til the page is turned

Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned

I wanna leave everything that hurts

Never go back to the way we were

Set it on fire baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Burn it all, set me free

And let the smoke blow on out to the sea

I need to find somewhere I can believe

I need to know there's a chance we can be

We must not be passive and allow joy to dissipate by looking backward at our sins and failures or forward at what might happen to us...In doing this, we place our hopes in the wrong thing, namely ourselves. It is our option to look to the greatness and goodness of God and what He will do in our lives.

-Dallas Willard

The reminder of March was filled with much more mundane, but no less meaningful, moments in my life. 

We celebrated my mom's 62nd birthday. 

We had unexpected snow days--three of them in fact--which provided a wonderful reprieve when we thought winter was over. 

I've been moving forward with rehearsals for The Importance of Being Earnest, which opens in 2 weeks. 

My family has been very busy with Easter services preparation at church, and this past week saw the fruits of that labor. I'm thankful that I was able to participate in them after so many years of being gone for the holiday.

But something that's stuck out has been random reconnections with people I've grown apart from. One such example: I went out with my 3 best friends from high school since we were all in town at the same time. Ever since I graduated in 2009, we've made a point to get together when we can, even though 2 are married and one lives out of town. It's a tradition I look forward to and appreciate that somehow we've managed to keep our bond intact over the years. However, we almost always go out to dinner and then a movie. But this time we randomly said "Why don't we go bowling?" And it was the most fun we've ever had. I hadn't laughed that much in a long time. Such a sweet memory for me for sure.

It's easy to find yourself, in those moments, saying "I wonder what life would have been like if I had stayed in touch better with this person, or if I had made a different choice in this particular situation." Everyone has those thoughts. I definitely have had them quite a lot over the past month. In these reconnections, I often ask myself what other life stories I could have instead of the one I'm living right now. But those questions usually only bring about anxiety and an overwhelming sense of despair, because you can't change the past and nothing you do now will affect it in any way. So I've been trying to let go of those thought patterns and instead, focus on the joy of the present and excitedly anticipate the future that's waiting for me in just a few short months. I have SO much to be joyful about. There's absolutely no reason to stay drudged in the past "what ifs" and "could have beens." It's taken me some time to get to that point--in all honesty, within the last week--but I'm finally looking at my life with a clarity I've been lacking. I'm so ready for what's next...whatever that looks like. I'm ready.

Song #3: Cold as Stone, Kaskade (ft. Charlotte Lawrence)

I see it in your eyes

You're seconds from destroying me...

Can't take another lie

Stop telling me who I should be

So I'm cold as stone

The only way I know

To keep my soul

And never let it show

So let me, let me out

I can't love you anymore

Let me, let me ou

I don't love you like before 

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.

-Madeleine L'Engle 

And that pretty much wraps up the month of March. It's crazy to think that I've been living at home for almost 5 months now, and how much has happened in my life in that amount of time. 

So much good. 

So much crazy. 

So much ridiculous. 

So much anxiety.

The last thing I'm going to say is this:

I've stumbled across a song that literally calms my heart and removes my anxiety every time I listen to it. 

I want to urge you to take the time to actually click on this link and listen to this song. 

If you struggle with wondering what your future holds, if you have ever felt your thoughts spinning out of control and have been burdened with crippling anxiety, this song is for you. 

Trust me. 

It will speak to your soul, as it has to mine.

Song #4: P E A C E, Hillsong Young & Free

You will stay true

Even when the lies come

Your Word remains truth

Even when my thoughts don't line up

I will stand tall

On each promise You made

Let the rest fade away

There's a peace far beyond all understanding 

May it ever set my heart at ease

Dare anxiety come, I'll remember

That peace is a promise You keep

You will stay true

Even in the chaos

Your Word remains truth

Even when my mind wreaks havoc

You are PEACE to a restless soul

PEACE when my thoughts wage war

PEACE to the anxious heart

That's who You are

You are PEACE when my fear takes hold

PEACE when I feel enclosed

PEACE when I lose control

That's who You are

I've found peace far beyond all understanding

Let it flow when my mind's under siege

All anxiety bows in the presence 

of Jesus, the Keeper of Peace

and peace is a promise He keeps

February 2018: Major Milestones

FEBRUARY 2018

"Everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for."

-Unknown

I usually LOATHE referring to quotes that don't have an author attached to them. Cause it means literally anyone could have come up with the cliché statement...but in this case, I am making an exception. This quote is actually the background on my laptop. And I feel like it completely encapsulates what the month of February has been for me.

This month has been, in all honesty, some of the most insane 28 days I've had in a long time. Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Yeah, right, every single thing Lex experiences is totally dramatic and insane and over exaggerated.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. 

IT HAS BEEN INSANE.

I spent the first few days in Dayton, Tennessee. The main reason for my trip was to discuss a possible summer theatre job. However, it ended up being a whirlwind weekend where I tried to see every single person I knew in town in 2 days. I may have been exhausted but it was SO worth it. I was able to reconnect with almost all of my favorite college professors, see a theatre production at my alma mater, and have coffee dates with many people that I love. 

I came home and found out that I had been cast as Cecily Cardew in my community theatre's production of The Importance of Being Earnest, and my best friend Kelly was cast as Gwendolyn. We were both so excited, and I was especially thrilled to play a character that is SO far from my typecast. We're in the midst of the rehearsal process now and it's crazy fun to be onstage once again.

Song #1: Normal, Sasha Sloan 

And I know this isn't like me

I just want people to like me

Got my glass up in the air

And I act like I don't care...

And I'm just part of the crowd

But I feel better now, so-

Keep on playing that song that I don't like

I just wanna feel normal for the night

Keep on kissing that guy that's not my type

I just wanna feel normal for the night

However, tragedy soon struck...and when it struck, it did so as hugely as it possibly could.

Tragedy #1. My laptop (named Ron Swanson....if you've never watched Parks and Recreation then you won't get the reference) I've had for 7 years abruptly crashed. Hard drive: gone. 7 years of my life: gone. So I take it to a data recovery place, and they assure me they can get almost everything, if not everything, off the hard drive and give it back to me. I won't lose any of my documents, photos, videos....it's all good.

Tragedy #2. My dad lends me his laptop in the meantime, and for about a week I'm making it work. Then, for no apparent reason, HIS LAPTOP CRASHES. Hard drive: gone. Everything: gone. I SWEAR to you that all I was doing was watching Netflix. Oh, and I ordered some eyeglasses on it. THAT IS IT.

So just call me the Laptop Killer, because I made two laptops crash in less than two weeks.

Needless to say, I had to buy a new computer (which needed to happen anyway) so hopefully I'm good for another 7 years. Name still TBD....suggestions are welcome. 

Tragedy #3. Literally the same day laptop 2 dies, I'm driving to Walmart, and I'm texting my friend Caleb about how to fix the computer. (I know, I know, I'm an idiot). 

Well I get pulled over by a cop for texting and driving. While he's talking to me, he looks on my windshield and notices my inspection sticker is expired. And not just by a few days or a week. No, it expired in December. (I honestly had no idea.)

So he gives me not one, but TWO TICKETS. I GOT MY FIRST AND SECOND TICKET AT THE SAME TIME.

To say I was pissed was an understatement. So now I have to go to court. #mylife

(I mean, if I was gonna get a ticket, it's fitting it was for texting, right?)

So yeah. February 6 was not a good day for me.

Song #2: Scars, I AM THEY

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

 I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

Wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

February was also a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light. Without giving unnecessary details, within the 4 weeks of February, I had my past dragged back into my present, my future surprisingly peeking through the clouds of uncertainty, and my present just being.......a muddle of emotions and feelings.  It felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out. But I think God was trying to prepare me for what was about to unfold during the month, because joy and peace were so badly needed during those few weeks. 

I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.

-Valley of Vision

Feelings and thoughts always go together. They are interdependent and are never found apart. There is no feeling without something being before the mind in thought and no thought without some positive or negative feeling toward what is contemplated.

-Dallas Willard, Renovations of the Heart 

During February, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with a woman who has become a kind of mentor to me over the years. I babysat her children growing up, and every time I come home I make a point to go see her and catch up on our lives. As I've grown older, she's become a very dear friend and I can't explain how much I love her and value her godly, wise advice throughout my countless struggles and worries. 

One on Sunday afternoon, we sat down and I poured out my heart to her about a situation that was weighing me so far down I felt I couldn't breathe. She let me talk for literally 2 hours, and then gave me words of wisdom I so badly needed in that moment. It totally changed the way I have been thinking about my life and my future...and I wish I could do something even half as meaningful for her. She made this comment to me, and it has stuck with me ever since.

"Alexis, your life is a tapestry; lovely and beautiful and a true work of art. But right now you are trapped on the ugly, ridiculous back side; all knotted up and choking on the mess that is everywhere you turn, in every direction. It looks terrible and an overwhelming web of tangles. But eventually God's going to flip that tapestry over, and you'll see your life for what it has always been meant to be. Every single thread will have joined together to make something truly breathtaking. And all you can do in this moment...is wait."

Song #3: Three, Sleeping at Last  

Maybe I've done enough

Finally catching up

For the first time I see an image of my brokenness

Utterly worthy of love

And I finally see myself

Through the eyes of no one else

It's so exhausting on this silver screen

Where I play the role of anyone but me

And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

Now I only want what's real

I set aside the highlight reel

And leave my greatest failures on display

With an asterisk:

"Worthy of love anyway"

There's been some really sweet moments during February, and both involve babies! My pastor and his wife welcomed their first child, James Henry Small, into the world. This baby was long prayed for and I'm so glad he's finally here. In addition, my childhood best friend Libbie found out her and her husband Scott are expecting their first child. Libbie and I have been praying for God to give her a baby for a very long time, and this is such an exciting thing...and I'm so so so glad that I get to be here with her during this time. 

And I think that wraps it up. Everything else that happened in February is under wraps for the time being....hopefully in March I'll be able to share more on those subjects.

Two months down, people! Ten to go! 

Song #4: If There Is Light, It Will Find You, Senses Fail

I guess the best thing I can do with my time

Is love every minute of life...

How do I forget you?

If there is light, I hope it finds you

How can I forget you?

How can I forget you?...

I'll never forget our love, I'll never forget our love

If there is light I hope it finds you

If there is love I hope it finds you

Let the good deep inside you

Let your love be the thing that defines you

There's Always A Reason.

I know it's only halfway through February, but guys.....literally so much has been happening in my life.

I didn't fully realize it until yesterday. I had randomly texted a friend to tell her I missed her, and she said, "So what's been going on with you?" I began listing everything that had happened in the last few weeks...and as I sat there, looking back at the insanely long and unbelievably ridiculous saga that is my personal life, I found myself wondering "Why me, and why now?"

I'll give you the briefest of overviews, cause I wanna save some of this for my recap at the end of the month. Suffice it to say that along with getting two tickets (yes, at one time), starting rehearsals for a show at my community theatre, and destroying two separate laptops in two weeks, I also had several people from my past randomly pop back into my life and throw my emotions into a sort of chaotic mess.

Like I said, RIDICULOUS.

And here's the thing. I know that it feels like everything comes crashing down right at the moment when we're making the most progress and feeling the best about ourselves. It's so easy to get caught up in feelings of "this would only happen to me" and "why can't my life be simple like everyone else's," but there's something that I've been learning over and over again, especially in the last few weeks. Brace yourself, cause it's painfully simple.

Everything we are experiencing is always for a reason.

Everyone knows this. Everyone says this. But I, for one, am so guilty of failing to live it out on a daily basis. I spout it off but immediately go back to my "comfort zone" of anxiety and longing for control.

...And then I wonder why I'm stressed and emotional, lying in bed at 4 am unable to sleep because I'm thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation in my life. Geez.

Here's an example. Last night was one of those sleepless nights. Without going into too much detail, I was very weighed down by some of the situations unfolding in my life.

Have you ever had a night where your brain just won't shut off? It's the weirdest, most frustrating feeling. You're lying in bed trying to figure out if you actually fell asleep at one point or if you had really just been awake this whole time. Your head is churning through cycles of "what-ifs" until you roll over and see the sun's out...and it's morning...and you feel like you literally slept for 5 minutes.

Maybe it's just me. (But I seriously doubt it.)

Anyway, I woke up this morning and, honestly, felt dead. After struggling through a shower and getting ready for the day, I was still in a fog of exhaustion and finally resigned myself to the fact that this day was a bust. I was worthless mentally, felt close to worthless emotionally, and totally depleted physically.

A few minutes later, I get a text from a friend who said, "Can we talk? I just need a friend right now." So I call them and we talk for about 30 minutes. It was so wonderful and encouraging, hopefully for both of us.

I hang up with them and say "Ok, I'm glad I could be there for them. That's nice." But then my mind quickly turned back to my own set of problems and worries. (It happens to the best of us.)

Five minutes later, my phone rings and it's another friend. I pick up and they say, "Can I just vent real quick about some things?" So we had a 30 minute conversation, and again, it was great.

I hang up and say to myself, "Man, today is the day for being there for my people. And I love that!" And then it just hit me....

I think God had these people call me, one after the other, so that I would be reminded, in a roundabout way, that I'm not the only one struggling. Yeah, there's a lot going on in my life and I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the emotions I'm experiencing from it, but I'm not alone.

No one is alone. (That's an Into the Woods reference, if you're not a musical theatre geek like me.)

And it all just clicked. I may be exhausted and didn't sleep at all, but there are other people in my life that can relate. And when they call me to say, "This is how I'm feeling and how I'm struggling," I can be that friend who responds, "GIRL. I so know what you're going through."

And I'll mean it.

January 2018: Press Restart

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

As a new year is beginning, I find myself feeling that 2018 is going to be a really important chapter in my life. And instead of waiting until December to write a "wrap up your year" blog post, I decided to do a monthly check-in on my story; what I've been experiencing, what I've learned and how I'm growing. It's nothing fancy or incredibly deep; just something simple that will list the most memorable events that occurred, songs I loved, quotes I stumbled across, and books I read. But I do think it's important to be able to own your story and admire the progress you've made, as well as the setbacks you've encountered. Who knows, maybe some of you reading this are going through similar times in your own lives and will be encouraged by my own experiences.

(If anything, the music is worth a listen. I've included the links to each one if you haven't heard them already. I like to think I have preeeeeetty great taste.)

JANUARY 2018

Think about where you were last year.

Think about the things

that used to worry you so much

that no longer consume your mind and time:

the relationship that wasn't healthy,

the stress of what this year would be like,

the things you never thought

you would accomplish but did...

all of those things are worth being grateful for,

and are beautiful reminders

that you are going to be okay.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

The first month of the year has turned out to be one of new things. I realize that sounds pretty typical of a New Year, but I'm serious. Most of the memorable things that happened to me in January were things that involved something new, something I hadn't experienced before.

Song #1: Press Restart, WALK THE MOON

Head-heart malfunction

Maybe it's not an ending

Maybe it's a beginning

Up-shift, and the wind in my face

I could use a little time and space

Just broke the hell out of my heart

Press restart, press restart

I spent the first whole week of 2018 at home, completely alone. My parents were at the beach, but I had chosen to come home earlier for New Year's Eve. Because I was just chilling at home, there were a few days that I literally didn't use my voice at all. Some people might think that sounds horrible, but I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there.

Song #2: This is Me, "The Greatest Showman"

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be

This is me

Other positive memories from the past month included FINALLY getting a new iPhone (which has been named Sol...after one of the characters in a new favorite TV show Grace & Frankie). I also convinced my parents to watch the Harry Potter series for the first time, which was super fun for me to be a part of. I had my first Skype interview for a theatre position, which I'm very excited about. I auditioned for a play at my local community theatre and dragged a friend along with me. Still waiting to hear the results from that! I had countless coffee dates with one of my closest friends in Appomattox. This friend is also responsible for introducing me to The Crown, which I immediately loved. It ended up uncovering a fascination for British history I didn't know I had.

Song #3: Bye-Bye Darling, BORNS

Ooh, ooh, ooh

We had a good run darling, don't you cry

ooh, ooh, ooh

Know in the end it's gonna be just fine

ooh, ooh, ooh

In the end it all feels like a dream

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Someday we'll find out what it means

And every time I think of you I'm so glad

What we had they'll never know

Bye-bye darling

There were also some difficult moments throughout the month. I dealt with a show opening at Tech that, for the first time in over two years, I'm not a part of. It wasn't that I wanted to be there necessarily, although I do wish I could have supported my friends and professors by going to see the production. I became reacquainted with the burden of hurting for friends over things you can't control. Part of growing older is watching people you love make their own choices, and choosing whether or not you want to love them through it. I learned how to handle anxiety about my future and how to hold my dreams with my hands open. God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly.

God never places us in any position in which we cannot grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.

-Nicole Whitacre

Song #4: Drawn to You, Audrey Assad

After everything I've had

After everything I've lost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

After everything's been said

After everything love cost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

I read a book called Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, and to be honest, it's one of the best books I've ever come across. She focuses on how we should be living loved in the midst of rejection, heartache and recovering from past hurts. I could share a million quotes from the book that I loved, but this is one of the most impactful ones. You know, the kind of quote that when you read it, you just sit there staring at it...because it's like those words were written just for you.

Here's the deal...when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I'm desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I'm constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don't just feel like I'm losing them...I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself as well...The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.

-Lysa TerKeurst

This could perfectly describe the way I've chosen to live my life in past years. And now I'm desperate to change the destructive cycle in which I found myself. The past month has done so much good for me in so many ways, and I'm beyond excited to see what February holds in store. 

Song #5: Wilson (Expensive Mistakes), Fall Out Boy

This song has absolutely no meaningful attachment to this post or to the past month....I just really like it. ;) 

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you,

Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you