24 Before 24. Let's Do This.

Last time, I waited too long to make this list. A lot of them didn't happen.

But a lot of them did. 

Here's to another year of adventures.

24 Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 24:

1. Have a pen pal who will write letters with me.

2. Find someone older to mentor me.

3. Lose 30 more pounds.

4. Become certified to teach either Zumba or some other dance/exercise class.

5. Save up at least $500 for grad school.

6. Apply for grad school.

7. Audition for at least 3 grad school programs.

8. Learn to eat with chopsticks.

9. Go on a real date.

10. Go on a weekend camping trip.

11. Take a whirlwind weekend trip to Nashville.

12. Visit Hungry Mother State Park with Emilie and Megan.

13. Learn to cook.

14. Run a 5k.

15. Move to Knoxville.

16. Have my own apartment.

17. Read 10 books that are NY Times Best-sellers.

18.  Take piano lessons again.

19. Sit in the audience of America’s Got Talent auditions.

20. Get to 10,000 tweets.

21. See Stacie, Naomi, Josiah, Katie, Melissa and Jay give their senior recitals.

22. Beach trip with Morgan.

23. Go to a Broadway show with Drew and Emilie.

24. See Relient K in concert.

Paralyzed.

It's 1:15 am.

It's late. But until I allow my thoughts to spill over these keys I touch and somehow communicate to the sleeping world how I feel...I'll be wide awake.

***

There's something you need to know about me. My biggest fear is disappointing others; of letting people down, of being less than what they expected me to be. My biggest fear is doing something that will wreck my life forever, that will stain my future and haunt me mercilessly. My biggest fear is hearing the words, "I am so disappointed in you." The mere thought of that causes my heart to race, my breathing to become shallow and my emotions to kick into overdrive.

Basically, it paralyzes me.

And that's exactly where I am.

In 5 days, I am leaving for 11 weeks to travel with a tour group that does camps for children. It's a wonderful opportunity and I am sure that I will love it and learn a lot from it. But I also know that I have to decide what comes afterwards. What's the next step for me? What am I supposed to do?

***

I know what my heart wants. So you'd think that would mean I'd made my decision. But you see....it's not that simple. Deep down, I keep replaying the scene in my head where I'm standing there, tail tucked between my legs...a failure. And in front of me stand the people I let down, all of the people who find me underpar. And they say,

"Alexis, we're so disappointed in you. You failed."

I replay my biggest fear coming to life. And then everything clouds over and once again, I'm stuck at the crossroads, begging for clarity. For a lightning bolt. For something.

Everything within me wants to just CHOOSE already and move on. But I'm glued to this spot, frantically swerving my attention from one choice to another, overwhelming my mind and crippling my heart.

How do I decide? How do I make the "right" choice? Is there even a right choice to make?

***

I feel like this blog post is not structured or unified in any way. It's literally my thoughts as they occur to me; bleeding in paragraphs for your reading pleasure. I do apologize for that, although if you're reading this you must care enough to have made it this far. So I guess I don't apologize after all.

***

My entire life, I've been taught that God directs our paths. The phrase "God's got it all under control" has been drilled into my head for years. He's not going to let me down. He is always there, He knows everything about my future. Everything happens for a reason. Everything serves a purpose.

Yes, that may be. Everything does serve a purpose. But aren't there multiple ways a situation can occur? Aren't there multiple ways we could learn from something?

Take the concept of relationships. I was involved with a guy last fall. It happened quickly, and out of nowhere. He was my best friend and I trusted him implicitly. He understood me as no one has. He helped me through a time of difficulty. He was there when my life changed forever and he held my hand through the tears and the pain. I couldn't have done it without him. I know that for certain. God put him in my life at that moment to help me through what transpired.

But here's my question. Could he have been there for me like I needed, could he have been a friend in a time of trouble, could he have served the purpose God intended him to serve without being a lover? If I had chosen not to take that path, if I had chosen not to kiss him and not to throw caution to the wind...would I still have had his hand to hold when I needed it, just as a friend? What if that was how God wanted me to do things?

But I didn't.

And so the path changed, even though the main purpose remained the same.
I still learned. But the journey, and therefore the choices, and therefore the consequences, were altered.

***

Life is nothing but one choice after another. Every single moment of every single day is made up entirely of choices. Even the most mundane ones can have a significant effect on our lives.

So now, when I am faced with a decision of how to live my life...I am paralyzed.

I am completely and utterly paralyzed by the thought of having to choose.

Because I've been faced with decisions like this before. And it's so hard to know if I chose correctly.

What if I do that again?

***

I thought writing all of this out would help me somehow. But it hasn't, not much anyway. I still have a choice to make, and I am nowhere closer to finding the answer.

Here's to hoping that with the dawn comes a decision.

And here's to a sleepless night of waiting for it to arrive.

Godly Men: Greatest of Blessings.

I realized that today marks the 5 month anniversary of when I moved home. It has been 5 months of growing, struggling and pleading for clarity in my life.

5 months of wondering when I would figure out what was next.

5 months of asking "Why this? Why now?"

5 months of avoiding the tough situations and escaping to the past, where I was happy and content and comfortable.

It's been a rough 5 months. But I have learned a few key things along the way. And today I decided to reflect on what I learned that was the most important, the most revolutionary.

I thought about all of the people who have ministered to me over this time in my life. There are too many to count. But the ones who stood out the most are 3 men that I am blessed to call some of my closest friends.

When I have a bad day, they say:

"I think you should pray, sleep on it, and see how grey the world is tomorrow. Sometimes it actually gets brighter."

When I don't know how to keep going, they say:

"When you can't go any further, ask the Lord for no more than the strength to take one more step. Sometimes you will need a friend to help you take that step, but the Lord will always give you strength for a single more step. Never let yourself get bogged down in how far you still have to go, just focus on making it through the next step. If you take it a step at a time, before you know it you have walked a mile."

When I can't figure out what the will of God is, they say:

"We so often can't know. So often don't even know our reasons or whether they're right or not. Sometimes we just have to try. And sometimes we crash and burn. But other times, He carries us through."

When I am consumed with guilt and cannot move past my mistakes, they say:

"Bad things have been done all around, but no one is too far away from God's redemption. He has grace already waiting for us, we just have to be willing to forgive ourselves and accept it."

When I can't let go of the past, they say:

"Something I have had to learn is that if whoever the person is, is not the person God has for me, then no matter how much I want them to be, I don't want to end up with the wrong person even more."

Isn't it wonderful how God uses ordinary people to speak His truth? Each statement above was given to me in a casual conversation. There was no lightning bolt of realization, no deafening thunder of "This is from the Lord." But through these men, through their encouragement and constant love, God has continually poured His wisdom into my heart when I need it most.

So to those special men: thank you for being willing to love me, build me up and comfort me with godly wisdom and genuine friendship.

It has truly changed my life.

The Soldier and the Poet.

Ok, this hardly counts as a blog post.

But I found this poem a few months ago, promptly forgot about it, and found it again a few minutes ago.

I absolutely adore it.

And honestly...I couldn't tell you specifically why. Perhaps it's the beautiful imagery portrayed through the words, or the simple phrases that make my heartstrings sing with recognition of my past experiences. Who knows.

Regardless, I hope you appreciate the beauty as much as I.

 

The Soldier and the Poet

 

At last,

The strength of your arm

The depth of your hands

The smell of your body

The reach of your arms

 

The scandal,

The generations of tension

In my tired shoulders

Relinquish their battle

To the soldier

 

Who does not weep

But brings up instead

Another thought

Touch me, my love

Love me now

 

Sweet Thursday

The day of your arrival

In my life

Stopping only to take in the sites

Of my arms strung around your neck

 

The truth in all of this

Sits like a dove on my

Weary back

The soldier,

The poet

 

A match made only across continents of

thought and doubt

My nerves ache and creak like nervous

trees in the wind

And you have clung to me

We have brought the ultimate argument to

rest

 

In my lonesome bed

Where we now lay

Thoughts intertwined

Like our limbs, reaching for the other

Even as we dream together

 

Fight the battle for me, my love

Let violence cease and crease our hearts

Scarred and lost

We have found each other

 

And still, even still

My heart, my mind

Is at last quiet in the palm of your calloused

hand

Gripping it tenderly so as not to destroy but

to hold it safely

 

At last,

the final word is spoken

And we have loved for a moment in time

That the universe and we shall never forget

We made a hole in the darkness with the

light of our love

 

This moment may pass

These days will end

But we shall remember

Forever

The love between

The soldier and the poet

 

-Grace Violet Ennis-



Victorious Living.

It’s Easter Sunday, and I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.

Well, one specific thing, really.

Today during worship, my pastor said, “Only through the Resurrection can we take a blemish of regret and turn it into a badge of glory.”

It’s a beautiful thought, no? Our pasts are wiped away. Because of Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice, we no longer have to be held in everlasting contempt for our sins.

But my pastor was trying to make a different point. He was challenging those of us who have already been redeemed and washed clean to LIVE a life of victory because of the resurrection.

In other words, are we living each day of our lives in light of God’s glorious forgiveness and overwhelming grace through the miracle of Easter? 

Are we looking at our pasts as something to display God’s glory through, or are we still hiding behind it as a hindrance to freedom and new beginnings?

He referred to Romans 6:1-14, and the first few verses jumped out at me.

“What should we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who have died to sin still live in it?”

Heavy stuff. 

“How can we who have died to sin still live in it?”

Oh, but I do. Every day. Looking back on the last few months of my life alone, I can see millions of moments where I not only lived in sin, but wallowed, bathed, and dressed myself in the grime of my own selfishness. My own pride. My own lust.

Christ has died for these sins! He has already paid the price to erase them from my life! So why do I continue to live as if He has not been victorious over the evil side of my soul?

It’s so utterly convicting.

So on this Easter Sunday, I challenge you to look at your past. Look at it and truly realize the reality of Christ’s cleansing power through His resurrection. Begin to live your life in light of His victory over your sin. It’s already been wiped clean.

Take your past, your shame, your darkness…and turn the blemishes of regret into badges of glory. 

Because in His eyes, they’ve been just that all along.

Right for the Moment.

I'll be honest.

I'm struggling bigtime.

My last post was about how I found clarity and I was so thankful for the Lord bringing the ambiguity of my life into focus and how His timing was perfect and etc....

But the last 3 days have literally destroyed almost all of that.

I won't go into the details of what happened to shatter my contented outlook on the future, but let's just say I have found myself knocked flat on the pavement of life; confused, hurting and completely uncertain. Of pretty much everything.

Today, I was sitting in church, and the pastor was speaking on Elisha and what he did to serve God with his life. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening. (Oops.) He then made this statement, seemingly out of nowhere:

"When we struggle (as we inevitably will), God does not bring us the perfect person to fix things. He instead brings us the right person for the moment...to help us through it."

I immediately wrote those words down, because they struck a chord in my heart. And I began to think. 

I started to look back through the past few years of my life; thinking of the many moments that occurred, both good and bad. I tried to remember the specific people that were with me for those specific moments...and the memories came into my mind like a flood.

When I was trapped in a manipulative and unfaithful relationship many years ago, God didn't bring along someone who would change his mind or heart to treat me the way he should. Instead, He brought along people who had the courage to tell me I deserved better, then literally run across campus to find me and hold me while I sobbed from a broken heart.

When my best friend at school was gone for an entire semester and I felt lonely and uncomfortable, God didn't bring me the perfect "new friend" to be a substitute and eradicate my loneliness. Instead, He gave me people who missed her as much as I did and who would not replace her, but help me to create new memories that were just as special.

When I couldn't even lift my arms high enough to play the piano and I felt like my dream of a musical career and future were completely destroyed, God didn't bring along a therapist or doctor who had the cure/solution to my physical pain. Instead, He sent me professors and friends who encouraged, supported and lifted me up on a daily basis, believing that one day He would heal me. 

And even now, when I find myself questioning my worth as a woman and if I will ever find someone who thinks I'm amazing/wonderful/beautiful/extraordinary enough to be with no matter the obstacle, God doesn't give me what I want. He doesn't bring that perfect person into my life to take all of my doubts, fears and insecurities away. Instead, He gives me people who say, 

"Lex, you are definitely worth it. If God can see me as worthwhile then He sure as heck sees the same worth in you." 

And He faithfully keeps these people in my life, day after day, because He knows I desperately need them to get through this.

Looking back, I can see how every single time, I longed for the perfect solution, the perfect answer, the perfect person...

And every single time, I received exactly what I needed in that moment. Not perfection. Not my dream. Not my desperate plea. 

But it was right. For the moment.  

So even though I currently find myself unsure of everything I feel and want for my life, I'm holding onto the hope that the right people will continue to spring up in my path. And even though I wish for the perfect ending almost everyday...

I think I should start praying for the right one instead.

Finding Clarity; Finding Me.

This past week has been one of lessons. Over the last 8 days, I have been taught such mind-boggling concepts as:
Trust.
Hope.
Letting go.
Opening up.
And realizing that when you ask God for clarity...brace yourselves, because He will give it to you.

***

Clarity.

The dictionary defines 'clarity' as "clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity."

I'm going to be frank. My entire life feels like the opposite of this definition. It feels indistinct. It feels ambiguous. It feels as if understanding and perception are distant memories of the past. I have no direction, no plan, no freaking idea what the next step could possibly be.

So, I finally asked the Lord to give me clarity. To quote my journal, I said, "Help this week to be one of clarification and direction for me--in every way."

And oh, did He give it. In every way.

***

I spent the first few days of this week in Knoxville, applying for and pursuing job opportunities in the area. Believe it or not, it's quite difficult to appear confident, collected and put together when you feel terrified, overwhelmed and completely lost.

Huzzah for having a Theatre degree. I can totally fake it. (Not always a good thing.)

Anyway, I found myself in Cracker Barrel. (Not my first choice, but hey. Might as well try.) I'm standing there with my application, waiting to talk to a manager, when this little elderly woman comes up to me. It's an incredibly long story and quite humorous, but eventually she just flat out said, "I'm a Christian. Are you?" I answered yes. She then said, "Well, can I pray for you?" Although I wasn't sure what the proper "Praying-in-the-middle-of-Cracker-Barrel" etiquette was, I told her she could. She proceeded to wrap her arm around me (whoa now...) and prayed for the next 10 minutes.

10 minutes is a REALLY UNCOMFORTABLY LONG time to pray in a public restaurant.

However...she said something in her extremely long-winded prayer that caught my attention.

She simply said, "Lord, if this girl is supposed to work here, let it happen. Give her this job if it's where You want her to be. Help these people to see who she really is and how wonderful she is as a person."

This lady didn't know me at ALL. But the truth of her words sank deep into my heart...and I realized that simple faith is all it takes. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. If it's the job that God has for me, being myself is all that matters. They will want me...for me.

I won't tell you with the rest of that story...although it is a rather entertaining one. :)

***

I then spent the next few days at Bryan College. Clarity was also needed with regards to a personal relationship there, and I was graciously given said clarity. Although I came to the weekend with almost no expectations in that situation, the Lord once again surprised me with closure that I desperately needed. The pain is still strong and deep, and I suspect it will take some time to recover from the finality of that chapter coming to a close. But He is faithful through every change, and I know that eventually it will be okay. I will be okay.

I had spent the first 2 days of this weekend constantly surrounded by people; talking, laughing, going crazy. It was wonderful; even when I was trying to handle the above situation, there were always several friends around to distract me and keep me smiling. However, on Saturday afternoon, I went to this swing on campus (which had been my go-to spot last semester whenever I needed to think). I sat there and watched the sun set over the Hill, and I finally allowed myself to process what had happened in my heart recently.

The tears flowed. By myself at last, I let my mask fall down and genuinely grieved the loss of the friendship and hope I had held on to for far too long.

But here's the thing....about 30 minutes later, when I got up to leave, I tried to regain my façade of contentment, maturity and composure. And I couldn't. I found that smiling was difficult, laughter was not easily provoked, and my heart simply hurt. For the rest of the evening, I struggled to have fun or even to appear normal. I felt so transparent and vulnerable...and I hated it.

Later that night, I sat in one of my best friends' dorm room with a group of people, silently observing their laughter. Eventually, most of them left, and I sat down next to my friend, laying my head on his shoulder. His response was the best thing anyone could have done.

He sighed, put his head on top of mine, and said, "I know."

Then he told me, "It's ok to feel emotions. We have them for a reason. It's ok to feel sad and depressed, to not be happy all the time. That's who you are right now, and you don't need to hide it. You don't have to be the crazy, funny, laughing constantly Lex that everyone expects you to be."

And I realized....what I stated above about finding a job is exactly the same with finding people. If God wants a certain person in my life, they will be there....and they will love me for me. I won't have to be someone I'm not. I won't have to change who I am. Being myself and having simple faith in His path for me (or His companions for me) is all that matters.

***

So, I'm back home...and I am more than ready for the great unveiling of my future. Not to be dramatic or anything... :P

A verse that I keep coming back to is 2 Corinthians 1:8-10.

"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it...But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God...And He did rescue us...and He will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us."

Life is a beautiful thing, and although there are indistinct or ambiguous moments...eventually God will bring them into focus and we will praise Him for His perfect timing, His astounding grace and His overwhelming ability to rescue us from...well, us. :)