Lexicon.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

What Do You Want?

Well, it's been a little over a month...

A lot has happened in that time.

The production I'm serving as Music Director for, Six Women with Brain Death,or Expiring Minds Want to Know, is starting to come together. It's been really exciting to teach harmonies, have music rehearsals, and watch these girls become more confident and capable in their roles. The position of Music Director is a pretty unique one, but I'm learning a lot and I'm hoping I get the chance to do this again wherever I end up after this.

I've also been working a lot on planning a theatre alumni reunion for our Homecoming weekend (which, consequently, is also the same weekend as the show. Gotta love theatre schedules.) Putting together a huge database of alumni information, sending out letters and invitations, planning dinners and receptions, and a lot of other things has kept me pretty busy.

But over the past few days, things have slowed down quite a bit. I'm pretty sure it's just the calm before the storm--that's typically how this sort of thing goes--but as I've been sitting in the theatre building with not much to do, I've found myself spending a lot of time thinking.

I got a text earlier this week that simply said, "What do you want?" When I got the message, I was immediately confused. That's such an overwhelmingly broad question. They meant it to be; it was supposed to be a conversation starter, I suppose. But it got me thinking...

What do I want? Like, really. In my life, in my career, in my relationships....

And the terrifying thing is, a lot of times, I'm not sure I know.

When the friend asked me this question, I answered with surface-level stuff. You know, saying things like "I want to live in my own place again," or "I want it to be Friday." But a question like that forces you to really look at yourself and analyze the direction your life is heading.

I have no idea where I'm going to be after this. I have tentative plans, I have tentative ideas. But the reality is, my life is about to change once again, and who knows where I'll end up.

That's fine. That's normal. Except I don't know where I WANT to end up. What do I want??? What do I want out of my life?

I was talking about it with my friend Anne (by the way, if you've never met Anne Brown, you are missing out on an incredible presence in your life. This girl has been my constant support while I've struggled to make sense of this quarter at Tech, and she has been a solid source of truth when I needed to hear it...even when I didn't want to. Shoutout to you, A).

Anyway, I told her about the question I was asked and how much I had been thinking about it. She looked at me and said, "Lex, I think instead of asking 'What do you want,' you should be asking 'What do you need?' Stop focusing on what you want to be happy, and think about what it is that you need in order to feel fulfilled and happy in life."

So......what do I need?

I need to be surrounded by friends who love me and will stand behind me no matter what.

I need to be able to express my emotions through writing (like I am here).

I need to remember my life, and I do that through taking pictures. (Which I haven't done lately.)

I need to be involved in some kind of performing arts, whether that's music, theatre, dance, or any other channel of artistic expression.

I need to completely heal from heartbreak before I try to find someone new.

I need to take time for myself, to be alone and be secure in who I am.

I've answered the friend who asked me, "What do you want?" But I don't think I've really been truthful to them.

What do I want out of life? I'm not sure.

What do I want from my relationships? I couldn't put my finger on it.

What do I want out of my career? That seems kind of hazy at the moment.

But when I think about what I need....the fear drops away and the end goal seems much more attainable.

Maybe, just maybe, if I work on finding what I need right now, I'll eventually figure out what I want out of life.

I'm gonna try to run after those things I listed above. Here's hoping I find some direction through the pursuit.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Everything Else Goes Away.

This past week consisted in my first few days on contract at Tech.

It's kind of a weird feeling. I'm not a student anymore, but I'm still surrounded by people I love who are, and watching them go to class and gripe about homework is strange. I'm around them but can't relate to what they're going through. Not necessarily a bad thing by any means...just different.

I'm also trying really hard to not care what other people think about the fact that I'm here. Some people may think that I didn't apply for anything over the summer (which would be a massive lie). Some people may think that I can't move on (which is also very untrue). But in the end, I guess people can think whatever they like. I have a legitimate job that is going to result in a professional credit for my resume. I'm furthering my career and working in my desired field. There's absolutely zero shame in that.

But today, I was having a moment of uncertainty as I walked to a practice room to work on the piano score for our production. I sat down and just basked in the silence. The piano sat there, patiently waiting for me to make the first move. As I finally remembered why I was there and tentatively began to play, all of the worry and insecurity I had been feeling disappeared...and the music took its place. Everything fell away, and the melody my fingers created took precedence in my heart and my mind.

Music has always been such a source of comfort for me. When I've been angry, heartbroken or stressed, I find that pouring out my emotions onto the keys of a piano always leaves me more focused, level-headed and stable. This experience was no exception.

About a week ago, my best friend Justin (who is actually here at Tech now) told me there was a song in the Broadway musical Next to Normal that reminded him of me. I finally ended up listening to it and immediately fell in love. The song, called Everything Else, pretty much echoes my sentiments about music and my life. I just wanted to share it with all of you because it's now one of my very favorites.

Mozart was crazy...

But his music's not crazy

It's balanced, it's nimble

It's crystalline clear

There's harmony, logic; you listen to these

You don't hear his doubts, or his debts or disease

You scan through the score and put fingers on keys

And you play.

And everything else goes away,

Everything else goes away...

And you play till it's perfect, you play till you ache

You play till the strings or your fingernails break,

So you'll rock that recital and get into Yale

And you won't feel so sick, and you won't look so pale

Cause you've got your full ride and an early admit

So you're done with this school and with all of this shit

And you'll graduate early, you're gone as of May

And there's nothing your paranoid parents can say.

And you know that it's just a sonata away

And you play.

And everything else goes away,

Everything else goes away...

Everything else goes away.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Gracefully Broken.

"Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now."

-Donald Miller

I'm gonna be gut-wrenchingly honest, people.

Right now, if I had to describe myself, I would say I'm broken.

And it's funny, because I'm about to start a new chapter of my life and there are exciting things happening in my career and I couldn't be more thrilled for the opportunities that are being given to me...

But my heart is hurting.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about my summer and everything I experienced over the past few months. Blogging is how I process; it's how I work through emotions I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle.

Well, I got everything out...and I felt so much better. It really does astound me how much writing helps my soul.

But within an hour of posting it, I received a phone call from someone asking me to delete it. I had posted personal information about that person and they were uncomfortable. Out of respect for their wishes, I did so...but I immediately regretted it.

Do you have any idea how it feels to release everything that's built up within you, only to have it stuffed back inside, churning around and preventing your personal process of dealing with change?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

But I know I don't want to ever feel that again.

So I've decided to go back to being myself, of being as honest and real as I can be.

I realize that some people judge me for this. I've seen tweets in the past that passive aggressively proclaim that airing my dirty laundry is inappropriate and that I'm on a roll of personal destruction. I guess genuine, raw emotion unnerves certain types of people.

But honestly? I don't care anymore. I have the right to say what I wish and deal with my emotions how I see fit.

My friend Travis told me a statement he lives by:

"In order for you to insult me, I first have to value your opinion."

People who know me and love me have told me that my blogs are refreshing because they're simply real. Anyone who thinks otherwise can feel free to block me or diss me in private. It doesn't matter to me.

So here you go.

Here's real.

Here's raw.

Here's me.

A lot of things happened to me this summer, but there's one situation I'm going to focus on in particular. In addition to a super difficult theatre gig experience, 2 UTIs and a hell of a lot of stress, I allowed myself to love someone who claimed to love me back and claimed to want to be with me and me only.

I allowed myself to throw caution to the wind and break down the last few emotional barriers I had kept up in this relationship.

I foolishly believed the words spoken to me and wanted to have the chance to show love the right way.

But it was not to be.

Despite knowing that there was an end date on the horizon, I desperately wanted to have positive closure and an ending without hurt or regret. At the end of the summer, we reunited for a brief moment, knowing that it was for a limited time and that soon after I would have to say goodbye.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be held in the arms of someone you know you're about to walk away from?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

I felt like my heart and my head were screaming at one another; I knew that it would hurt less to shut down and run away, but my heart was begging for even a few more seconds of the intimacy I had come to take for granted. I wanted so desperately to have these last moments with this person, to be just us and be together one more time so that when I walked away, it was with nothing but good memories. If I could have that, I would be able to move on.

And as awful as it was, I feel like I accomplished that.

He kissed me and told me how much our time together meant to him.

I memorized the way he gazed at me and told him I didn't regret a single moment we spent together.

And then just like that, he walked me to my car and I drove away.

It was incredibly painful because I struggle so much with giving up on people I love...but I knew that eventually I would be okay. My life wasn't ending just because he wasn't going to be in it anymore.

As much as it sucked and might sound backwards to say, I was okay. I was okay because while he didn't want to be with me, I knew he also didn't want to be with anyone else. He didn't want to commit to any one person. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough; no one was at the moment.

...Except that wasn't true.

And a week later I discovered how far from the truth it actually was.

Do you have any idea how it feels to have the breath knocked out of you by the realization that you were just a secondary option until he figured out what he really wanted...which wasn't you, and had never been you? That everything you experienced had most likely been a total lie?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

In that moment all I could think was,

"I am never, ever going to be enough for anyone."

Maybe that sounds dramatic. But you have to understand: every relationship I have ever been in has ended in me not being enough.

Not enough for a commitment,
Not enough for the difficulty of making it work,
Not enough to even try.

I've literally never been enough.

And I know it's not true, that I have worth and value and blah blah blah.

But it triggered every feeling of insecurity, doubt and inadequacy that has accompanied my past.

It completely overwhelmed me.

Of course, I had people immediately texting me, calling me, throwing their arms around me and saying things like:

"If you keep telling yourself

'I'm not the one he wanted and

I wasn't good enough'

or some form of that...

you'll never be ok.'"

"Lex, this is a lot.

This is a man that you love(d), lost...

and just cut things off with.

You're not over reacting."

"Alexis, you're better than this.

You're above this.

You are beautiful, smart, a leader,

strong, talented, and determined.

You are 100 times better

than allowing yourself to be

manipulated by someone

who could care less

about you or how you feel."

"You need to be someone's

choice without hesitation.

I know it sucks 100%

but you're dodging a bullet."

"It feels like you didn't get the man.

But let me ask you this:

is he really the man you wanted?

No?

Then did you really lose anything?"

"Heal on your time.

Not on anyone else's.

And that's between you and God.

Nobody else."

These statements are so powerful and so full of truth. I am trying my best to let them seep into my heart so that I can actually process and work through what I'm feeling.

It's time I learned from this mess of a summer and take the next necessary step forward. It may not be a big step or take me very far, but I have to at least take it...before I find myself paralyzed by fear and inadequacy.

There's a difficult road ahead of me. I can't really share any more detail than that at the moment.
But it's going to be so much harder than I ever thought it would be now, and that's ok.

I know I have people who love me, who see me as someone worth their time and attention, and whose opinion I truly care about.

I also know who I don't give a flying crap about; whether they look down on me, talk shit about me behind my back, or just blatantly hate me doesn't matter.

I'm confident, capable and more than enough to hold my head up high and live my life to the fullest.

God is always good, even when He has to break my heart and throw me to the ground in the process.

I heard a song this summer by a Christian artist named Matt Redman. The chorus has the following lyrics:

Here I am, God,

Arms wide open;

Pouring out my life...

Gracefully broken.

I love that phrase. Because I am broken. But within that brokenness is the grace of Jesus pouring over me, allowing me to pull the shattered pieces of my past into something truly beautiful.

Gracefully broken.

That's me.

That's real.

Take it or leave it.

"You silly little girl,

you think

you've survived so long

survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn

your body bulletproof.

You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter.

Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

It will not be beautiful,

but the truth never is.

Come now,

you promised yourself.

You promised

you'd live through this."

-Clementine von Radics

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Summer Catch-Up.

Maybe one of these days I'll actually sit down and hash out everything that happened in my life over the last six months.

....yeah, I know. It's been SIX MONTHS since I've blogged anything. Which is weird, because in the past 4 years I've had this blog, I've always written at least once a month. It helps me process things going on in my head, in my heart...it's how I work through complications and frustrations.

So I'm kind of worried that I haven't written anything in half a year. However, I seem to be doing alright for the most part.

But this post isn't about all of that. I want to tell you guys about my summer gig. And how it's become one of the most grueling experiences I've ever had.

For those of you who followed my theatre job as a Production Stage Manager for an offsite production with Cumberland County Playhouse last summer, you know it was extremely...challenging. For a lot of reasons. Suffice it to say, I promised myself I had learned a lot, but I would never return to that particular situation ever again.

(It's funny how almost every single promise I've made myself over the years has been broken. But that's a topic for another blog post. Stay tuned, it'll be a GREAT one.)

Anyway, while I was still in school at LA Tech this spring, I got a phone call from the director of the production I worked on last summer. He told me they were going to be doing the show again, and he said I was his first choice for Production Stage Manager since I'd done it before. In all honesty, I politely told him "I'll think about it," and then hung up and laughed a lot. My friends laughed with me, because they all knew how ridiculously frustrating my experience was and knew I had no intention of putting myself through that again. I was going to SETC and I was going to get a REAL theatre summer gig. I mean, I'm about to graduate with my Masters! Surely I can get something better, right?

SETC came and went in a flurry of job interviews, where I learned that at this point in my career, my resume can't speak for itself...and I'm gonna need a contact or recommendation of some kind to land me a job in the theatre field. I probably interviewed for about 15 summer internships and heard back from 1.

So graduation was upon me, and I realized that if I didn't take the job offer from CCP, I would have to find a summer job of some kind. It wouldn't be in theatre, and I would most likely be 100 times more miserable.

I told my parents I was thinking about taking the job again, and they both said, "Are you sure? You were so unhappy last year." My friends were concerned. Everyone knew how drained I was from the experience. But...this year I was only working for 5 weeks, and I told my mom, "I can do ANYTHING for 5 weeks. I'm getting paid more. I know the show. I know the people. It's gonna be fine."

Oh, silly Lex.

I got to Dayton, TN on June 15 for my first day of rehearsal, and by June 16 I was overwhelmed with how many things were going horrendously wrong.
Actors are having explosive arguments and stalking out of the space during rehearsals.
The director is struggling with mental clarity and emotional stability.
Other officials of the production are coming to me and asking if I'd be willing to take over the show
I have actors coming up to me and saying I need to take over. Like what, stage a coup?!?!

But mainly, I'm struggling between being professional and doing my job as a stage manager while still trying to be respectful of someone who is my elder and my director. I don't know where that balance is. I really don't.

I'm not going to go into all of the details of what's been going on. If you're really interested, you can ask me personally and I'll be happy to tell you. But I've been placed in an incredibly awkward position and I'm a little unsure of how to proceed.

I will say this though. I know that it is a total God thing that I'm here again. Even though it's not where I saw myself returning and I didn't want to do it...I'm so thankful that with everything blowing up, it's me dealing with it instead of someone new. It's a good thing that most of the cast know me from last year and respect my authority and opinion. It's a good thing that the director and I have a pretty stable relationship. It's a good thing that I'm staving off the crap being thrown my way instead of someone who didn't know anything about this unique situation.

I feel like I say this way too often...but it's going to grow me so much. I just know it.

Doesn't everything?

Friday, December 30, 2016

Week #52: Snapshots of 2016

My 2016

Week #52

***************************

Snapshots of 2016.

As I tried to think of how I wanted to format this final blog post in my project for this year, I thought about several different options.

In the past, I've written a recap of each month of the year, using quotes and specific moments that jumped out at me.

I've also composed mini letters addressed to various people, places or things that were important to me during the year.

However, this year I decided to go for more of a social media route. I'm going to try to encapsulate what 2016 was for me using only pictures and Twitter. I will say this:

2016 was most definitely the year of grad school. I started the year in school, and I'm ending it there too. As a result, a lot of my memories and moments are focused around Louisiana Tech.

JANUARY

January was a month of discovering I had made lasting friendships over the past few months.

It was a month of working with children on Sleeping Beauty, which was both a blessing and a curse.

It was a month of dealing with the weight of the world on your shoulders and still managing to come out on top. #RoyalTea #neverforget

FEBRUARY

February was a month of reuniting with Bryan friends and laughing till the tears flowed.

It was a month of memorable quotes from memorable professors that I truly had grown to love.

It was a month of finally being able to pursue my dream of directing my own show.

MARCH

March was a month of housesitting for Cherrie and her owner, Lucy. ;)

It was a month of being the Assistant Director for Love's Labour's Lost.

It was a month of slaving away on the most horrible, but most beautiful set ever.

It was a month of visiting an old friend and meeting her adorable baby for the first time.

APRIL

April was a month of being Cherrie's TA for Theatre Appreciation...an experience I will NEVER forget.

It was a month of watching LLL come together, slowly but surely.

It was a month of friends from college meeting friends from grad school.

It was a month of barely making it, and that's okay.

It was a month of realizing how far I've come and being really excited about my growth in life.

MAY

May was a month of watching No Exit come together in a truly beautiful way.

It was a month of realizing that growing up means your birthday doesn't really matter anymore.

It was a month of introducing LA Tech to the wonderful world that is Dr. Dwight Herbert Page.

It was a month of making new friends (that have proven to be much deeper and meaningful than I could have ever hoped at the time).

It was a month of looking around and saying, "Guys, we're halfway there."

It was a month of leaving Louisiana, flying past home, and beginning my summer gig as a Stage Manager for Cumberland County Playhouse in Tennessee.

JUNE

June was a month where I spent my days at the pool. Also, it was a month where best friends got engaged.

It was a month where my nights were spent in rehearsal and I learned that this experience was going to be...well, interesting.

JULY

July was a month of seeing long-lost friends and picking up like no time had gone by.

It was a month of remembering how beautiful my alma mater is.

It was a month of watching my summer gig come to a timely end...but appreciating the friendships I made along the way.

AUGUST

August was a month of Music Camp. If you're reading this and you don't know what that is, ask me sometime.

It was a month of directing my church's Drama Camp for the very first time, and loving every second.

It was a month of reconnecting with high school friends.

It was a month of road tripping across the country with my parents, my best friend, her parents, and a Uhaul.

SEPTEMBER

September was a month of remembering how much I love the people at LA Tech.

It was a month of teaching my very first Theatre Appreciation class all by myself.

It was a month of being cast in Tartuffe as Madame Pernelle.

It was a month of reconnecting with my favorite, Katie Brumfield.

It was a month of feeling good about myself in general.

OCTOBER

October was a month filled with Tartuffe rehearsals, Tartuffe hilarity and Tartuffe corsets.

It was a month where I gave myself a concussion. No big deal, not the first time.

It was a month of an emotional breakdown and finally getting my feelings out in the open, all while trying to follow this one piece of advice:

It was a month of playing jazz for my professor.

NOVEMBER

November was a month of performing this little show we put together and having a blast.

It was a month of being overwhelmingly grateful to have my parents in town to support my growth here, and to have friends at school who come to the show multiple times just because.