Week #31: Finding Direction.

My 2016

Week #31

Finding Direction.

As I state in the title, this week found me searching for direction and answers in a lot of different scenarios. Since being at home, I have been trying to explain to people what my long-term goals are (always an interesting time) and in the midst of that I have also been attempting to gear up for another year of grad school, a move back to Louisiana, preparing to teach my first class in the fall, and somehow find the time to spend with friends, family and see all of my doctors. You know, the normal summer routine. 

For those of you who know me, you know that I am pretty confident in who I am. I love being a student, I love being in theatre. I am perfectly content being single and being on my own. I know what I want to do with my life (for the first time in a looooooong while) and I'm trying to take steps to accomplish that goal. I couldn't be more content.

However, there have been moments throughout this past week where I found myself doubting who I am and what I want out of life. Whether in the midst of rehearsals for the show I directed this past weekend or in conversations with people, I had moments of confusion and feeling overwhelmed at the life I have created for myself. Is this really what I want? Am I really okay with being a theatre professor for the foreseeable future, directing plays, teaching classes, being on my own, and slowly becoming the crazy cat lady with the dramatic flair I know I am destined to be? (Cause let's be real...I'm totally gonna be that lady.) I pride myself on the level of contentment and confidence I have. These moments of confusion were stressing me out. And we all know I love stressing out. 

But God is so good to me. He uses so many moments in my life to provide clarity and answers, even in situations I didn't know I needed them. 

This week was my church's annual highschool/college drama camp, and for the first time in 10 years my dad asked me to direct the play. The kids come in from 5-9 every evening and we put together a little one act show. It's something that immediately comes to mind when I think of summer, and I was excited to be able to take on a leadership role this year.  I was really proud of my parents; they had to take a step back and not only let me do my thing, but also take direction and criticism from me. We had a few tense, awkward moments but they really tried, and I'm grateful for that. I had anticipated a much more difficult transition. 

On Sunday night, we had our final performance, and as people were congratulating the cast, a mom came up to me and said, "My daughter told me that out of all the directors she's had in her life, whether church theatre or community theatre or anything else, you were her favorite. She said you see the smallest details in a show that need fixing, and think of even the tiniest things to make the show better. She loved every minute of working with you." 

And in that moment...I had the reassurance I needed that this is what I am called to do. Directing is my passion; I've stated it so many times before on this blog. I am never happier than when I'm directing a show. Why I doubted that passion I have no idea; it is something I love with all of my heart. And there--there was my clarity. 

I've also had some moments of confusion about my current relationship status. For the last few years, I have found myself extremely content in being single. I have had absolutely no desire for a boyfriend, husband or significant other at all. I enjoy being alone; I love having the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. 

However, over the last few weeks I have been conflicted about whether or not I really want to allow myself to be open to prospective relationships. It was quite a struggle, but God was once again faithful to give me absolute clarity and solidify my instinct that I need to continue to be on my own for awhile. As to the future, who knows. I'm not thinking about it. 

So, there you have it. Right now I'm sitting on my bed, watching Ocean's Eleven and attempting to be productive (and failing miserably, of course). Summer is quickly drawing to a close, but I'm glad I once again have a firm grasp on who I am and what's coming up in my life. 

Life is good, readers. Life is so good.