Week #50: Christmas Can Be Lonely.

My 2016

Week #50

Christmas Can Be Lonely.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm out of sorts.

Wanna know why? It's a stupid reason.

I'm out of sorts because I feel rejected and unvalued. 

Wanna know why? It's even more stupid.

I feel rejected and unvalued because for the first time in YEARS, I'm sad that I'm single...and I don't know how to process these emotions. Like, at all.

(Am I actually a 25 year old woman? Or am I 13 years old and about to start puberty?)

It's so pathetic how much we allow the meaningless, shallow and fleeting things in this life consume, manipulate and dominate our thoughts...as well as our hearts.

Why do I care if some guy looks twice at me when I walk by? 

Why does it matter if he likes all of my Instagram posts or not? 

Why do I get jealous when he seems to find my girl friends more interesting, more attractive, more fun to be with, and in general...just more appealing than me? 

Why am I allowing my worth to lie in such silly things?

Tonight I was venting to my roommate about it and she said some cliche phrase about how my worth lies in Jesus and not in a boy, that I am beautiful and valued in His eyes. She even admitted it was cliche...but she also said it was true.

And I know that. I know all of that cliche crap. I know I have worth in the Lord's eyes and that one day some guy is going to come along and see me as someone beautiful and worth loving and blah blah blah. 

It just really, really sucks when it feels like no matter what you do or what you say or how much you try to be yourself....

Yourself doesn't measure up to what he wants. 

You're not good enough. 

You on your best day, looking your most gorgeous, feeling the greatest about who you are and oozing confidence and self-assuredness is still not enough. 

And it never will be. 

If you've never experienced this feeling, you have absolutely no idea how incredibly disheartening it is. It sucks the life out of you. 

Combine this feeling with the emotional baggage of someone who has had almost every romantic relationship end through infidelity or the guy simply saying "you're actually not worth this, I'm out..." and it's crippling. 

I'm genuinely not saying this to be dramatic...but it makes me feel totally worthless.

I wish I had a switch to turn off my desire to be liked...and not even in a romantic sense all the time. Sometimes I hate how much I need to be valued by others. If only I could be content to be on my own, by myself. How much easier would life be without other people! 

But even as I type that I know I'm wrong. 

Humans are created to crave other human interaction. 

We need love, we need attention, we need validation, we need touch.

So I need people...I guess what I really wish is that I didn't need them quite as much. 

I know that come tomorrow morning I'll feel better and God is good and in reality, my sense of self-worth, value and beauty does come from Him.

I just needed to write this out.

There's my Christmas cheer for the day. You are entirely welcome.