Week #47: Here We Go Again.

My 2016

Week #47

Here We Go Again.

At this moment, it's 12:30 am and a full week is about to begin.

The first full week of Winter Quarter.

And I am already struggling.

I'm taking 9 credits this quarter, which is the most I have ever taken during my grad school experience. 

My classes are: Studies in Dramatic Literature, Lighting Design, and Acting Styles. 

I'm also teaching again, which is basically like taking a 3 credit class. 

In addition, I'm serving as the Light Board Operator for our first winter production (Opera Workshop) and as Assistant Director for our second production of She Kills Monsters. 

It's a struggle because I am SO excited about every single one of these things. 

I know I'm going to love my Lit class because we're learning about musical theatre history (and making Instagram videos for credit). 

I know absolutely nothing about lighting design, so that class is going to be extremely beneficial for my future career. 

This is the first opportunity grad students have had to take an acting course, so I can't wait to have the opportunity to really delve into different styles of performing. 

I already feel much more confident about my Appreciation class this quarter, and after two days of being Mr. Guinn's AD for Monsters, I feel more utilized and valued as an Assistant Director than I ever have before. 

So, there are an overabundance of wonderful, truly great things happening in my life right now.

But I can feel it. 

I can already feel what's coming, and how it's slinking into my mind and heart. 

It starts out as stress, gradually morphs into anxiety and explodes into full-on depression by the end. Part of it is the classic post-holiday slump. January blues. Whatever. 

You're probably thinking, "Ok, but it's December 4. How can you have the post-holiday depression when the holiday hasn't even happened yet?" 

Well, I'm one of those fantastic people that begin to grieve the end of something before it's even begun. I'm always thinking ahead to the moment when that person, that era, that birthday, that year won't be there anymore. So I do this to myself. 

It's already begun to manifest itself in several ways. They're small, to be sure, but even in my daily interactions with friends, I see it. 

Little things--things that are so minuscule they shouldn't even be remembered--grate on my heart and cause me to descend into an emotional funk; a mess of aggravation, frustration and annoyance that comes out for no reason and lingers far too long. 

I let the little things get to me, and I let them affect my outlook on everything. 

And I hate it.

But Satan is so freaking crafty, my friends. 

He knows exactly what to do to get under my skin and make me seethe over things I should just let go: 

The coffeeshop that doesn't have the teabags I always use, 

A friend who backs out of plans we made together, 

My bank that screws up my credit card payments, 

My roommate who lets the dishes pile up, 

My student who claims his final grade made him lose all of his scholarships.

The list goes on and on...and on and on.

I'm so afraid that I'm not strong enough, not determined enough to fight this. 

Even though I desperately want to keep away from this all-too-familiar slippery slope, I find myself inching towards it with every moment that rubs me the wrong way or wounds my pride, my sense of self-worth and confidence.

So as a general statement:

I'm deeply sorry if I have offended, hurt or angered you by my actions since we've been back at school. 

I am asking the Lord daily to help me be kinder, more thoughtful, more loving, and more reliant on Him to get me through each moment. 

I know I'm failing more than succeeding, but know that I am truly trying my best. 

If you think about it, give me a smile and a hug when you see me. If you feel like I'm being withdrawn, make me talk about it. Let me know it's okay to verbalize things. Sometimes I need to be reminded. 

This quarter is going to be full to the brim with incredible learning opportunities, moments of growth and the deepening of relationships with people I already love more than I can say. 

Life is worth far more than perfection, success and popularity. I just need to keep my focus on what truly matters this quarter: growing, learning and loving.

...Not necessarily in that order. :)