The stressedaboutgradschoolandmyfutureblogpostthatdoesntmakesenseatall Post.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything's going great, and then all of a sudden you're checking your oil in your car with your dad and you have a meltdown about your life?

No? Well, I did.

Today.

You have to understand some things.

1) I desperately want to go to grad school...to obtain my MFA in Acting....so I can do something with my life.

2) I have an audition with the Theatre department at UT on January 16.

3) This is a really big deal.


You also have to understand that ever since I graduated from Bryan (a year ago), everything in my life has been looking towards me going to grad school. Somewhere. Somehow. The main reason I moved to Knoxville was so I could work, save up money, and audition....for grad school. That's always been the goal. I've had no other goal. Ever.

So I get this audition, and it's really awesome because it's the first step in the right direction. Things are actually going to happen. And that's completely terrifying.

I've been at home for the past week, spending the holidays with my family, and while I was here I had my headshots taken, updated my resume, even selected monologues for my audition. But suddenly it hit me.

What if I don't get in?

And not just at UT. I'm applying to 3 other schools as well. What if I don't get accepted at any of them? What if I'm not good enough?

Ok. What's my plan B?

And I realized....I don't have one.

Even my parents have not been helping the situation. They sent out a newsletter with Christmas cards, and in my paragraph it said "Please pray that Alexis will be accepted into this prestigious program." Not, "Please pray that Alexis will figure out what the next step in her life looks like and that she will follow God, wherever that step leads." Nope, apparently grad school is the beginning, or end, of everything.

I know that's not what they meant. But that's what it made me feel. Then, today, while checking my oil, I asked my dad if I was staying on their health insurance another year or not. He said, "Well, next year you'll be in school, so it won't matter."

And it was all I could do not to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT."

It's like everyone is assuming that I'm going to get in, going to get a degree, going to get it all.

Except I honestly have no idea if that's even remotely a possibility.

And if it doesn't happen........what am I going to do?

No clue.

What I do know is that I cannot continue to do what I'm doing now. The only way I'm getting through day after day is to tell myself, "This isn't forever. This is temporary. You're working here, doing this, because you have to make it to where you really want to be. You have to do this so you can eventually get the job you've dreamed of having."

But what if it turns out I can't have that job, that I can't have that career? What if it turns out I'm not enough?

I literally have no other options. And it's scaring the hope out of me.

My dad said, "You can look for another job. You don't have to settle for anything." But here's the thing: If I'm not allowed to follow my dreams, to pursue my passions...then wouldn't I be settling no matter what I was doing? Anything less than my dream is settling, is it not?

Ugh.

I was talking with a friend last night about how you're brought up, all your life, to think that once you finish college and are out in the real world, you'll somehow have a wonderful job in your field of interest and life will be super exciting and amazing and you'll do incredible things.

Except that doesn't really seem to happen.

If this whole grad school thing doesn't work out, what am I going to do that brings me fulfillment and is something that I want to get up every day to do? I honestly can't think of a single thing that brings me as much joy as theatre does. So does that mean that the rest of my life (without theatre) will be a little bit...less wonderful than it could have been? Am I meant to live a life of halfway happiness?

I just don't know what the answer is. I can't think that God would ever design our lives to be less than amazing or boring. I can't imagine that He would give me such passion and zeal for something, only to dangle it before me, always just out of my reach forever.

But right now, at this moment, I'm terrified that one day soon I will wake up and realize that this is it. The life I have right now....there's no "what's next." This is the next.

I don't know if I can live with that.

Honorable Humility.

I know it's been a while since I've written anything here. And to be honest...I've wanted to. I really have. But the things that I've had to say have been pretty dark and depressing. I realize that this is my blog and who even cares what I write; but I've been told that my posts are encouraging and helpful to many people. So I hesitate to put every single thought I have on here, if only to save a few poor souls from being thrown into the abyss that is my mind of late.

However, over the past few weeks my emotions (and therefore my words) have been slowly boiling towards the surface of my mind, and today they finally spilled over into coherent thoughts. I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, reading my Bible and journaling a letter to God (I believe I've mentioned in the past that writing letters to the Lord is how I pray.) Anyway, this month I've been reading the book of James, and as most Bible-readers know, James 3 is one of the most convicting chapters in the Word. I mean, really. It's a tongue-lashing (hehe, punny) on the tongue...and how destructive our words can be to our lives. It's a passage that everyone knows and tends to avoid.

So today, I read through that section, felt appropriately convicted, and then continued on to the next paragraph, James 3:13-15. I've read it several times already, but for some reason the words jumped out at me today.

"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life..."

I read the words over a few times, trying to process what the main point was. And it suddenly hit me.

What does an honorable life look like? I'm not sure I even know the answer to that question. I admit that my immediate preconceived notion of an honorable person tends to be someone famous, someone who has lived an incredible life full of serving and helping others, someone who has made a huge impact on the world and who is in history books as someone worth studying, worth knowing about, worth remembering. Someone like (in the evangelical world) Billy Graham, Mother Teresa, or Elisabeth Elliot. There are even people in my life today that I would label as honorable: my father, my pastor, several college professors...all of which have accomplished great things in their lives and have something to show for the years that they have lived.

You probably can sense where this is going. For the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with feeling...useless. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm happy to be in Knoxville, happy to be living on my own, happy to have a job where the environment is pleasant and the people are nice. I'm incredibly thankful. But this isn't what I had imagined. I mean honestly. I would not have moved here to work at Chick-fil-a. That wasn't the plan. None of what my life is right now feels like I thought it would be. And I find myself asking if this is really what life is? I'm done with college. Grad school is a possibility, but if that doesn't work out...am I really just going to work a day job for the rest of my life? I can't even bear the thought. At the risk of sounding cocky, am I not meant for more than this? Surely all those years spent pursuing other dreams were not wasted for a life of...well, to be painfully honest, drudgery.

There. I said it. I feel like my life is a drudgery. Which seems to me to be the farthest thing from honorable that you can get.

Ok. Well, keep reading. Cause James does not end that sentence there.

"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom."

....Humility.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm struggling with humility right now.

You see, all throughout my childhood, teenage years, high school and college, I was always the center of attention. Sometimes I hated it--being a minister's daughter put me constantly under scrutiny and I longed for the anonymity of my friends and the freedom to make mistakes. But for the most part, I was accustomed to being before an audience, performing for a crowd, always preparing for the next show or performance...whether that be on an actual stage or just in front of my church family. (That's another topic for another time.)

But now, I'm working in a job where I'm not the focus, where I don't stand out, and where nobody gives a second thought to what I'm doing or what I'm good at or what my dreams are.

And it's terribly difficult. But I'm beginning to think that this is why God put me here. To learn humility. To become humble so that He can work through me. "He must become greater; I must become less."

James goes on....as if this wasn't already convicting enough.

"But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom."

Ouch.

Lately, I have often found myself listening to, and consequently envying, other people talk about their plans, their careers, or their futures. You have no idea how many friends I have either beginning new dating relationships, becoming engaged, or getting married. And yes, my previous posts are still correct in that area--I have no desire to be in a relationship or be married at ALL--but what I envy is not the relationship...it's the knowing what's next. I'm surrounded by people that know what the next step is, whether that be school, a new job, starting a family...and here I am, silently screaming "Why is it so easy for you?!"

When I graduated high school, countless people told me, "Alexis, you're going to do great things. You're going to live an incredible life, and I can't wait to see how you impact the world. You're so talented and gifted and God's going to use you in amazing ways."

I believed them. And yet, my life feels anything but incredible. I'm not impacting the world. I'm barely impacting anyone. I'm not using my talents...I'm wiping tables and handing food to customers. How is God using me when I feel like nothing I'm doing matters in the least?

But I have to start reminding myself that being jealous of others' futures is not of God, and it will get me nowhere in life. Complaining about my job will not make my life any better, and it definitely won't get me where I want to be.

I know these things. But it's just so hard.

There's a song that was sung at Passion this past year, and there's a line in the lyrics that I love.

I don't want to live outside Your ways

I don't want to miss Your heart for me 

How true. I don't want to miss the Lord's heart for me. And I'm terrified of just that.

So here's to looking for God's hand in my everyday life, whether that be as I pick up trash and wipe down tables, or while I'm sitting in my apartment alone doing absolutely nothing. Here's to seeking His heart for me so that I make sure I never miss it.

Even when the next step is a giant blur.

The Struggle is Real.

Reader, I'm struggling. And it feels so stupid. But it won't go away.

So here's the short version. Believe me, you'll be glad I didn't write you the novel.

This weekend (actually, just half of Saturday and half of today) I was up at Bryan College once again, to see a few of my friends in the fall play. It was fantastic, and although the visit was brief, I got to see everyone I wanted to (with the exception of one professor).

Today, one of my friends and I went to Sonic, and while we were sitting there, she randomly asked me how I was doing with regards to a specific situation in my life. This situation happened months ago...in fact, it's been close to a year now. And since she's one of my best friends, like a sister to me, I answered her truthfully. Which basically boiled down to, "I'm okay most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part I'm good. I wish things were different, sure, but they're not, and that's okay. It's all okay." And we talked a bit more about it, but the conversation moved on, which was fine.

However, for the remainder of the day...as I was driving home, as I was putting my things away, as I was going about my business in my room...I felt this heaviness weighing down on me. Ever since that conversation, I felt like I had been thrown back into the past and emotions/feelings/hurts that I had genuinely tried to put behind me from that situation were boiling over once again. From that one simple question, I found myself reliving conversations, moments, and events that should not be relived (for many reasons, one of the first being for my sanity's sake). Try as I might, I could not shake the sorrow. It was deep, and it was real. And I openly wallowed in it. I delved into the memories and let them wash over me.

And all of this was from a simple, sweet "How are you doing with that?"

Apparently...not okay.

But here's the thing, people. I AM doing okay. I really am. Just like my response to my friend, I'm good 90% of the time. Which is a heck of a lot better than I would have replied 6 months ago. So why the sudden backslide?

Because, believe me when I say that I am beyond ready to move past this. I am SO ready.

So my struggle is this: If I honestly want to move on from something...if I know it's time, if I know I need to...why can't I do it? Why does one simple question asked by someone who cares about my progress proceed to make me backtrack through all of the pain and emotional trauma I have worked daily to put aside?

I literally don't get it. And I'm beyond frustrated. It makes me feel like an adolescent once again; like I'm creating drama out of situations that don't even exist any longer. Like I'm desperately grasping for any remnant of the memory so I won't ever lose it completely.

Except...I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to be able to look back and only see the lesson learned--instead of also seeing every single detail of everything I so badly need to forget.

I don't have a solution. I don't have some revelation from a sermon or Bible verse. This is something I am seriously struggling with, and I'm so tired of it. But apparently, being weary of a struggle doesn't magically make it disappear. Wishing you were past the pain doesn't make it so.

So what does?

I'm waiting for an answer.

Into the Storm.

This morning I woke up fairly late, having one of the most exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I realized that in about 20 minutes, my church back home in Virginia would be live streaming their 11:00 service. I also remembered that is was Homecoming Sunday, which is a big deal in our congregation. We have an enormous choir that sings, my dad usually hires a string orchestra to accompany the music, and we normally invite a former pastor to come back and speak. We're Southern Baptists, so obviously there's food. :) It's one of my favorite times of the year. So I decided to sit down and worship with my church family from afar…and I'm so glad I did, because it was honestly one of the most moving services I've witnessed in awhile.

One of our former pastors, Gene Mims, stood up to speak, and every single word in his message felt like it was written for me.

He begins to talk, and one of the first statements he makes is this.

"Hold on to the past as long as you need to, but grab on to the future as soon as you are able."

That sentence is so incredibly comforting to me. Sometimes I think that we push the idea of "getting over" our hurt and "moving on" past the grief too quickly. We experience a particularly painful breakup. A family member dies unexpectedly. A valued relationship is cut off with no explanation. A child turns away from his family. Terrible things happen in this world; it's a given. But why do we feel the need to get over it as quickly as possible? Grief is necessary. Pain is normal. Sadness is expected. And it's okay to still feel negative emotions about painful moments in our lives…even if they happened weeks, months, years ago. 

I can so relate to this struggle. I look at my life, the past…oh, I don't know, 5 or 6 years…and I could make you a list of the things that have hurt me. Losing my best friend in high school. Having my heart broken in college. Giving up on my dream for a musical career. Solid friendships one day being completely dissolved the next with no explanation or hope of reconciliation. Family members dying with no hope of seeing them in eternity. Watching people you love so deeply move away from you and seem happier and better off because of it. SO many things. And as I read over that list, I came to realize that I am still holding on to many of these instances in some way. The hurt is still felt, the pain is still present. 

And I feel guilty, as if I've done something terribly wrong. Just last night, I asked a friend if I was being "pathetic" for still feeling hurt and saddened about a particular circumstance that occurred almost a year ago. He said, "I don't think you're pathetic. I think…everyone heals at their own speed. It's not right for anyone to tell you what that should be." Which is true. I just wish everyone felt that way.

***

The text he used for his message was Matthew 14: 22-29…the story of Jesus walking on the water. However, instead of delivering the usual "God performs another miracle" angle, he proceeded to use this story to emphasize how God uses the storms in our lives to bring us to Him.

Oh boy.

I could give you the 3 point outline of his message, but that's not what stood out to me. I could give you the specific examples he used to prove his points, but it doesn't really matter. What I do want to tell you is what he said at the very end.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Peter eventually calls out to Him and says, "If it's really You, tell me to come over there to where You are." Jesus tells him to come, and he immediately steps out onto the water and begins to walk over to Jesus. You see, Peter realized that being with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm was far better than being in a boat with the disciples…but here's the key.

Jesus did not walk over to to grab Peter's hand and pull him out of the boat. Peter had to take the first step. He had to step out…onto the waves, into the storm…in order to be where Jesus was, to be with Him. 

Gene Mims explained that we often have this plan for our life: 

What we want to do as a career,

Who we want to marry,

How many kids we'll have,

Where we'll live,

What kind of legacy we want to leave behind…

And we look over at Jesus and say "Come over here and be with me as I do all of these things! I need You with me so I can succeed…so come here." And we expect Jesus to walk over to where we are and walk along beside us on OUR path, OUR way. 

When in reality, we must go where Jesus is.

We must step out of the boat, step onto the waves, step into the storm raging around us...and join Him on His path for us. 

Where in Scripture does it ever show Jesus saying, "Oh, I'll just go wherever you're headed." 

Never. 

In every single circumstance, Jesus walks by, stops, says, "Come with me," and then continues on, either with the desired follower by His side, or alone. 

He doesn't make exceptions. He doesn't fail to lead. He doesn't waver and say "Fine, we can go your way for a bit." No…He invites us to accompany Him on His road, and then leaves the decision up to us.

Gene Mims challenged us to ask ourselves, "Am I expecting Jesus to come to me, or am I giving up my plan for my life and walking across the storms of this life to where He is?" 

Needless to say, it was deeply convicting.

So, to conclude, I realized today that it's not a sin to hold on to the past. It's not pathetic to still grieve and hurt over things that happened long ago. It's not wrong to remember what used to be.

But even more importantly, I realized that every storm in my life is an opportunity for me to step out onto the waves of pain, loneliness and heartache…and to walk across the water to where Jesus waits with hand outstretched. He holds out the promise of a future unimaginable…

And when I'm ready, all I have to do is grab on.

The One Thing God Can't Do.

So, this past weekend I drove up to Bryan College with my roommate and spent a few days there. It was great to see friends that I miss dearly, to catch up with professors that I love so much. I was able to see some old friends from college perform again on Friday night, and also had some time to spare for myself…which is rare on these weekend getaways. Usually, I am running around like crazy, trying to make sure I see everyone and have adequate time with each person that is on my "list."

However, on Sunday morning, I woke up and made a random decision to drive to Hixson, where I knew there would be a Starbucks. It was about 25 minutes away, and when I got there, I sat down with my hot chocolate (I know, I'm a sad excuse for a coffee drinker) and a scone…and opened my Bible. My current plan for Bible reading involves selecting a book to read for a month. I read it over and over again, hoping that eventually the words will sink deep into my memory and pop up when I need them most. The book for this month has been 2 Timothy, and every time I read it I am absolutely blown away. It's just crazy.

So today, in this blog, I want to simply share with the few people who actually read this what I've been reading lately, and what I'm taking away from it. Hopefully it will encourage some of you. :)

***

As I stated before, the entire book is amazing, but I'm finding that chapter 2 is becoming one of my all-time favorite passages of Scripture. It is insanely filled with amazing thoughts. For example:

"This is a trustworthy saying:

If we die with Him,

we will also live with Him.

If we endure hardship,

we will reign with Him.

If we deny Him,

He will deny us,

If we are unfaithful,

He remains faithful,

for He cannot deny who He is."

(2 Timothy 2:11-13)

Think about it. If we are unfaithful…He remains faithful. He cannot deny who He is.

God is LITERALLY incapable of abandoning us…no matter how far from Him we may run. To turn His back for one instant on our pitiful, sin-filled existence would go against the very nature of who He is. Despite constant rebellion, our daily wanderings from Him and His love…He never stops pursuing us and being the most faithful, committed Lover of our souls. 

Is that not the most beautiful thought?

However, there's another twist to this.

I'm also reading, as part of my daily growth plan, the book "The Jesus I Never Knew" by Philip Yancey. The book is completely focused on digging into the life and personality of Jesus, exposing Him in a way that most Christians never allow themselves to consider. In one particular chapter, Yancey delves into the idea of God's miraculous restraint; that is, why God chose (and continues to choose) to hold back His power and influence throughout history, allowing people to come to Him of their own accord instead of simply demanding all of creation's worship and adoration. He says, 

"The more I get to know Jesus, the more impressed I am by what…[is] called 'the miracle of restraint.' The miracles Satan suggested, the signs and wonders the Pharisees demanded, the final proofs I yearn for--these would offer no serious obstacle to an omnipotent God. More amazing is His refusal to perform and to overwhelm. God's terrible insistence of human freedom is so absolute that He granted us the power to live as though He did not exist, to spit in His face, to crucify Him."

Even though God is unable to desert us as we desert Him…even though He cannot ever stop loving us despite our almost continuous betrayal…He will never force us to change our minds or "prove" His way into our lives. But why? Why does He let us leave Him for the world's fleeting temptations on a nearly daily basis? To this question, Yancey replies,

"I believe God insists on such restraint because no pyrotechnic displays of omnipotence will achieve the response He desires. Although power can force obedience, only love can summon a response of love, which is the one thing God wants from us and the reason He created us."

God doesn't need our love to survive. But He craves it…just as we do. Think: We are created in the image of God. It blows my mind to think that our hearts' desperate need to be loved and desired by someone else is also a reflection of His heart, overflowing with longing for our love and desire for Him.

Go read that last sentence again. Make sure you grasp that idea. 

I mean, whoa.

*** 

Here's another verse.

"In a wealthy home some utensils are made of gold and silver, and some are made of wood and clay. The expensive utensils are used for special occasions, and the cheap ones are for everyday use. If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work."

(2 Timothy 2: 20-21)

Oh, to be clean. I freely admit that I haven't felt truly clean, truly pure in a long, long time. So many things from my past…decisions made by myself, actions taken by others; all of it produces an unsightly mess and a jagged scar around my soul. Most days, I feel heavy with remorse and crippled by regret. And yet, despite these yearnings to be better, to be different…I still find myself struggling daily with wanting the exact opposite. When will the battle be over? When will I truly be pure and be a clean slate for God to use the way He wants to? My heart wants to be ready…if only I could scrub and sanitize the rest of me. 

In "The Jesus I Never Knew," Yancey briefly addresses the issue of purity, and the fallacies with common Christian "stay pure" statements. Examples:

-"Marriage will cure lust." (It won't.)

-"With self-discipline you can master lust. (…with maybe a 3% success rate.)

-"True fulfillment can only be found in monogamy." (Tell that to every single person out there.)

He goes on to quote Francois Mauriac, a French Catholic writer who published a book entitled "What I Believe." Mauriac spent a great deal of time poring over these "statements" and came to the conclusion that there was, in actuality, only one reason to stay pure. He said, 

"Impurity separates us from God. The spiritual life obeys laws as verifiable as those of the physical world…Purity is the condition for a higher love--for a possession superior to all possessions: that of God. Yes, this is what is at stake, and nothing less."

Isn't it infuriating how the questions we struggle with the most always seem to boil down to the simplest answer? To conclude his thoughts on the subject, Yancey states,

"The love God holds out to us requires that our faculties be cleansed and purified before we can receive a higher love, one attainable in no other way. That is the motive to stay pure. By harboring lust, I limit my own intimacy with God."

So there it is.

If you, like me, desire to be a clean life for God to use as He sees fit; if you, like me, find yourself constantly being unfaithful to Him, take comfort in these two simple facts:

God wants our lives to be clean and pure just as much, if not more, than we do.

And no matter how many times we fail on this incredibly uphill journey…

He will never-I repeat, NEVER-stop loving us for one solitary moment.

Because, to put it even more simply, He can't.

And that is the most comforting fact of all.

The Husband Journal. (Warning: Extremely Personal & Explicitly Revealing. Read at Your Own Risk.)

I realize that my last blog post caused a lot of "controversy" amongst my friends and peers, and that this is the last thing anyone really wants to read.

But for the last few weeks, I've been sitting at home alone for a majority of most days, and therefore I have little to do but think.

Tonight, I was not tired, so I sat in my beanbag chair in the corner of my bedroom and started going through old journals. Yeah, I'm sentimental like that. It's both an endearing quality and an inevitable step to heartache. Tonight was far from endearing. In fact, tonight's discovery has led me into a mixture of depression, embarrassment and total feelings of failure.

Tonight, I found, perused and consequently despised The Husband Journal.

You see, when I was 15 years old, I went to a girls retreat with my youth group. Our leader informed us that we were going to be making "husband boxes." Which meant that we would cover shoeboxes with wedding wrapping paper and fill it with things that we could eventually present to our husbands when we married. Items such as letters, pictures, quotes, etc. Things that would show our husbands how faithfully we had waited for them.

Most of you who will read this blog didn't know me at 15. I was quite different. I was happy, positive, spiritually balanced, pure, content, and basically normal. Yes, this is a far cry from the woman I find myself embodying today. But more about that later.

15 year old Alexis was incredibly excited for this amazing project. I wrote my first letter on a piece of notebook paper and after folding it 20 times, placed it in the box. This was going to be awesome! A few days later, I ended up buying a leather journal so I could write as many letters to my future husband as I wanted. I was going to fill up this book with words of adoration, of hope, and of waiting for him.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is so you will understand what I'm feeling right now. And at the risk of overexposing my teenage years to the critical public eye, I want to show you a few excerpts from this book. I started writing in it when I was 15. I am now 23. I will give you a quote from each year.

2006 (15 years old)
"It's funny-I get so excited when I write these letters because I think about what you will say when you read this and how they will affect you. My prayer is that no matter how silly and unimportant they seem, you will realize how much thought and love was put into each one and will truly appreciate their value."

2007 (16 years old)
"I want you to know something. I am still waiting for you. No matter how hard it becomes, you are the only man I will ever date, ever kiss, and ever marry."

2008 (17 years old)
"It's so hard to wait. I could very easily give my heart away to many guys, but I'm trying to save it for you. God has convicted me of not trusting Him enough. I say that I believe His plan is perfect, but then I don't live like it. Must try harder…"

2009 (18 years old)
"I LOVE COLLEGE. So very much. I know I'm exactly where God wants me. Bryan is such a wonderful place….Sometimes I wonder if I've met you here at Bryan by now. Are we friends? Do we talk? Maybe we have classes together. Wouldn't that be cool…stay strong for me. Wait for me."

2010
(I didn't write anything in this journal from December 3, 2009 to May 10, 2011.)

2011 (20 years old)
"It's been almost 18 months since I wrote in here. I just finished my sophomore year at Bryan College. My 20th birthday was 2 days ago…Honestly, I don't really have a reason why. I think I have been struggling spiritually for a long time, and that has also made me struggle with you. I've lost my faith in the fact that you will come for me and sweep me off my feet. Part of me still yearns to hope, longs to dream…but most of me is tired of being hurt and rejected and lied to…I don't want it anymore."

2012 (21 years old)
"I've been writing in here since I was 15. Five years of my life, bits and pieces, are in this book. And it is sad how much I've changed since then. At 15, I had this perfect dream of finding a guy who was completely pure and had never even considered another girl, and we would know right away that we were meant to be, and it would be perfect, and our first kiss would be with each other…but I don't have my first kiss to give you. I've given my heart away. I've already said 'I love you' to someone else. I am so broken and scarred. How can I dream for something that I'm not anymore?"

2013 (22 years old)
"This journal has almost turned into a joke…First, it's a 15 year old writing stupid nonsense with old fashioned expectations. Now, it's a 22 year old that's been hurt too many times by too many guys, and this girl has very different expectations. I've changed so much in 7 years, and some of it's not pretty."

2014 (23 years old)
"I'm beginning to realize that the reason I don't write in this journal for a year in between each entry is because whenever I open it and read what I've written over the years…I hate myself. So much….I was young, no idea of what was ahead. No idea at all. And the thing is, I can't even remember what it felt like to be so full of hope and excitement--to be pure and expectant of all my dreams coming true. And even worse: I don't want to be her. It's not me. Now I'm the girl who has kissed multiple guys, almost all of which weren't even dating me. I'm the girl who has been touched and undressed without feeling guilty or remorseful. I'm the girl who shared a bed with a man because I was lonely and afraid. And now I'm the girl who has been abandoned and rejected by every man I've ever given my heart to. I feel like there's nothing left. And I've stopped believing that you exist."

***

I'm perfectly sure that most of you will think this was highly inappropriate to share on a public blog. But I honestly don't even care. Yeah, it's personal. It's REALLY personal. I haven't shared most of that stuff with more than 5 people…ever. But right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by the fragments of who I used to be and the reflection of who I am today. The differences are astounding, and I can't believe how much has changed. How many steps I took down this path. How vastly different my life was from what I imagined and dreamed it would be.

I don't think I'll be giving this journal to anyone, ever. But maybe I'll keep it for me; a sobering reminder of the choices I made, the people I used, the lessons I learned, and the heartache I lived through.

Maybe one day I'll discover something worthwhile that came from all of this mess.

The Truth About Why I'm Single.

As a child, I remember countless times of pretending to be a bride in an oversized nightgown, or a mother valiantly toting around baby dolls and trying in vain to feed them fake milk from plastic bottles and change imaginary diapers. 

Little girls always dream of being a wife and mother. I was no different.

But I remember a time when I was young...while sitting at the dinner table, I told my parents that I wanted to have babies, but I didn't want to get married. They sort of glanced at each other, and my mom asked, "Sweetie, you have to get married before you can have a baby." And my response was, "Oh. Well, I'll adopt them." The thought of having to live with a boy disgusted me, and all I wanted was a tiny baby to take care of. Simplicity at its finest.

Fast forward to high school and college days. Life experiences and being around children for various reasons had changed my outlook on marriage and childbearing quite drastically. In fact, I think it safe to say that my views were completely reversed. If you were to ask me what I wanted in life, I would probably have told you, "Well, I'd love to get married...but we are NOT having kids for at least 3 or 4 years...I could probably wait longer than that." The idea of having a child was overwhelming and all I wanted was a best friend to live everyday life with, and who would love me.

However, the main point of this post is to hash through my current view on marriage and family life...which, I am sorry to say, is very poor.

I never thought I would say this: but I have lost a great deal of faith in marriage. And it has recently affected my thoughts on dating as well, to the point where I can safely say that this is why I am single.

***

It hardly needs to be stated; our culture today does not take marriage seriously. Divorce has become a trend, prenuptial agreements are expected and encouraged. Finding whole, stable families is now a rare sight. It's just a sad fact of life.

I personally was blessed to grow up in a committed family with parents who would never dream of giving up. Also, being surrounded by a church family that presented countless examples of godly marriages and strong commitments gave me security. I firmly believed that if two Christians married and were determined to follow God together, their relationship could not fail. That's just the way things worked. However, over the years, life has dealt some severe blows to my naive view of marriage.

Blow #1: When I was 12 or 13, I discovered that my father had been married previously, when he was very young. He was married to a woman who was a Christian, just like himself. They were married for eight years...and then one day, she announced that she didn't love him anymore. And she left. 

This information was overwhelming to me. Not only was the childish security of one's parents always being together from the beginning of time shattered, but I could not understand how someone who loved God would stop loving my dad...or her husband, for that matter. It didn't make sense. 

Blow #2: While I have never been married (thank goodness), I have been in several dating relationships. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, almost every single one ended because they were either being unfaithful or simply grew tired of trying. I realize that dating is designed to be a trial period for marriage; it's not supposed to be a life time commitment. But it was a pattern. Loyalty and commitment, two elements necessary for a thriving relationship, were never there. It never lasted. They always ended up leaving. With these experiences as my only example of a romantic encounter, how could I ever believe that I would find someone to want only me forever? And even more importantly...every single guy I was involved with was a Christian, a believer. We had the same desire for the Lord in our lives, yet still the cheating and desertion continued. If Christian men weren't any different, how could I ever be sure of finding a godly man? 

Blow #3: This last injury to my already struggling faith in marriage occurred over the past year, and it has been the most crushing blow of all. As a young girl, there were several men in my church family that I adored; they were almost like superheroes to me. They were wonderful fathers and husbands. They exhibited the utmost love and commitment for their families and I looked up to them as examples of what I wanted in a husband someday. I knew I was blessed to have so many godly men in my life that reminded me of what I should hold out for.

But over the last year, several of these men have walked out on their wives and families, for various reasons. These men had been married for over 20 years. They had families and decades of a life with their spouses. And then, just like that, they were done. And nothing anyone said seemed to make a difference. They felt no guilt, no shame about their desertion. 

These were the same godly, courageous men that I had watched for so many years, praying that God would send me a man just like them. These were my role models, my heroes. 

If these marriages, which have existed for longer than my entire life, can't survive...if these couples, compiled of two believers with Christ living inside of them, fall apart....how can I ever expect to marry forever?

And I've eventually come to the conclusion that I can't.

It's heartbreaking, because even throughout heartache and pain, I have always managed to believe that one day, that person would come along that won't ever leave and won't ever stop loving me.

But I honestly don't know if I could trust someone that much anymore. 

Think about it: I could find a godly man, committed to the Lord and to me; a man who stands by his promises and who makes a life and a family with me...

But who's to say that 20 years down the road, he wouldn't walk out the door? When would I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's never leaving, that he's never giving up on me?

I've been struggling with this for a long time. To be honest, I haven't wanted to come to this conclusion. I know lots of couples who have thriving, stable marriages. They are happy and content and secure. And that's wonderful. 

I just don't know how I could ever get to that point...to remove all traces of doubt, to never question his loyalty or his commitment.

So for those of you who are in a beautiful marriage blessed by the Lord, I'm not hating on you or trying to belittle your relationship.

I'm simply saying that I don't...I can't believe in marriage personally. Not right now. Not with the things that have happened. And maybe one day, my heart will be changed and God will give me the ability to trust and to commit.

But until that day comes, this is where I am.