April 2018: Trust God and Do Good.

APRIL 2018

Song #1: Miracle, CHVRCHES

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

Careful what you wish for 

We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies

Saying that we wanted more

I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly

Where does all the good go?

We're looking for answers in the highest of highs

But will we ever, ever know?

And I need you to know

I'm not asking for a miracle

But if love is enough, could you let it show?

If you feel it, could you let me know?

***

The journey of this life is a mixture of clarity and dimness of God's presence.

-Rusty Small

***

If I had to sum up this past month in one sentence, it would probably go something like this:

Life doesn't ever come to a screeching halt, even when you wake up everyday wishing it would. 

Isn't it funny when you realize that no matter what you may face in your personal life, the next morning still arrives and the world still expects you to get out of bed and continue on as if nothing had happened? No tragedy is too big to keep the sun from rising and the workday beginning and your responsibilities waiting. 

It's exhausting. 

April was a month where there seemed to be one thing after another after another after another. Some were good, and some were not. But regardless, the days kept rolling on until I noticed the calendar said April 28. The month was almost done, and I had barely come up for air. 

Easter Sunday was a blur of church responsibilities, dressing up and taking pictures with family--just like always. It was also accompanied by the excitement of having an ENTIRE WEEK off for Spring Break. I hadn't realized how badly I needed the time to just relax, let my brain unwind and enjoy spending time with people. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about anything for a short while.

During this time our community theatre was also hard at work preparing for our performances of The Importance of Being Earnest. Although it was incredibly stressful to have so many rehearsals in the evenings after long days of school, I am SO thankful that I was able to have the experience. Besides convincing one of my best friends to audition and participate with me, I got to know some really great people and feel the joy of being onstage once again. 

Song #2: Sing My Way Back, Steffany Gretzinger

When we were young the road was easy

But time moves on and people change

If we're not falling, we're not flying

You can't have love without the pain

And when I lose direction

When I can't see the stars

If we get disconnected

I'll sing my way back to Your heart

I'll sing my way back to Your arms 

***

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

-J.K. Rowling

***

you cannot be destroyed

by your imperfections

when you know you are saved

by perfect grace

-Morgan Harper Nichols

***

April was also a period of being flattened by some difficult realizations; realizations about myself and the type of person I wanted to be on a day-to-day basis. Everyone can be wishy-washy or two faced about certain things, whatever, we've all been there. But I was finally forced to admit some harsh truths about who I had become...and to decide what I was going to do about it. My mentor and one of my best friends has been there every step of the way, always ready to pour wisdom into my overwhelmed heart and guide me in the right direction when I try to make a break for it once again.

Here's the thing.

When you look in the mirror and see someone you don't recognize staring back at you, there are two options: you can avoid acknowledging how far you've fallen....or you can run like hell back to the only One who will love you in the regret, hold you through the pain and carry you to a place of forgiveness and renewal. 

It has not been a pleasant journey for me by any means, and I'm in NO way saying I'm anywhere close to where I want to be. 

It's going to continue to suck for a long time (I have a hunch, anyway). 

It's going to be ridiculously hard. 

But it's a start.

And I can already feel my old self coming back bit by bit...which brings a smile in the midst of the ache. 

Song #3: My Soul I, Anna Leone 

My soul I am broken by you

One morning I'll wake up renewed

Don't go love

I need you to stay

My soul I am broken today

And I will work out what it meant

And I will mend you in the end

Cause I'll do anything to love you

Love you

It may not be easy to see

But I'm ready, I need to believe 

***

Sometimes change is just one girl with her fists clenched, no longer willing to be trodden on.

-Elisabeth Hewer

***

detach from what destroys you

-r.h. Sin

***

As I have been dealing with these challenges, I noticed that one of my favorite things--social media--was only bringing me further down into depression. We have this tendency to constantly compare our lives to others around us. 

Why do we do that? 

What does it accomplish except to drain our joy and feed our anxiety? 

It was literally causing me to have panic attacks. 

So I decided to take a week-long social media "fast." I deleted every app off of my phone and promised myself not to go on ANYTHING for at least 5 days. 

My mentor also challenged me to use the time to do at least one random act of kindness every day, and to journal about what I did. She said that when we are struggling with something and instead choose to look outside of ourselves for people to encourage and support, we often find peace and healing through it. 

She said, "During this time you just need to trust God and do good."

So that was the theme of my week: 

Trust God and Do Good. 

And I followed her advice. 

Every day I did something totally random for someone who had a meaningful role in my life lately; sent cards to a couple of teachers from my school, bought doughnuts for my students during their end-of-the-year testing, etc. And you know what? 

It was probably the best week of the entire month. 

I was so relieved to not be constantly scrolling past posts/analyzing what they meant, or trying to keep up with everyone's lives that I wasn't a part of anymore. 

I could just focus on what was in front of me. 

It was so incredibly refreshing. 

Of course, it wasn't going to last forever. It's just not that realistic to go off the grid permanently like that in our culture, especially when I'm about to launch new social media accounts for my upcoming job in TN...but it was nice to know I could do it, and that it can really help me detox from unhealthy behaviors if needed. 

Song #4: One Of These Days, Vance Joy

You think you're ready

But you've got too much on your mind

Too much left to prove

No easy answers

 You've got to work it out yourself

You won't hear anyone but you

The moment you stop looking

Wherever you go, you'll be in the right place

You'll never know the difference it makes

When you let go and give up the chase

I'll come find you one of these days 

***

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

-William James

***

In the midst of all of that, there was a particularly bright moment. My lifelong best friend and her husband had a gender reveal party for the child they're expecting.....IT'S A GIRL!!!! 

It meant so much to be a part of the family gathering and to share in her excitement at the news. She's going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see how this little girl grows up in such a strong and loving home. 

Man, it's just crazy how quickly life happens. One day you're both in 8th grade with braces and middle parts...the next you're shopping for baby girl clothes and wondering where the time went. 

I could not be happier for her, though. Oh my gosh I'm so excited. 

So that's pretty much the jist of April 2018. I'm sure there's a lot of little things I've forgotten to mention, but I don't really care. 

I'm wrapping up the next 2 weeks of school...

Going to Ruston, LA to see my person direct her first show at Louisiana Tech... 

Taking a 3 day trip to NYC with my parents to see BROADWAY SHOWS (more on that later)..

And then figure out just how I'm going to leave Appomattox and start my brand-new life in Tennessee.

May's blog post is gonna be a good one, I can feel it.

Song #5: You're Gonna Be Ok, Bright Ones (feat. Tea Johnson)

I know you're trying hard to just be strong

And it's a fight just to keep it together, together

I know you think that you are too far gone

But hope is never lost, hope is never lost

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be OK

I know your heart is heavy from those nights

 But just remember that you are a fighter

You never know just what tomorrow holds

And you're stronger than you know, stronger than you know

When the night is closing in

Don't give up and don't give in

This won't last, it's not the end

You're gonna be OK

March 2018: P E A C E.

MARCH 2018

It's all messy:

the hair.

the bed.

the words.

the heart.

Life.

-William Leal

Oh man. 

What a mess life can be at times. 

When I look back over the past month, I definitely see snapshots of me, a total mess. 

I've been a physical mess due to utter exhaustion. 

I've been an emotional mess due to unforeseen chaos. 

I've been a spiritual mess as I have asked God to make sense of all the things happening at once. 

Yeah. Life is messy. 

But life is also insanely wonderful. 

And that brings me to the first major event that struck in the month of March:

I FOUND OUT THAT I GOT MY DREAM JOB.

There aren't enough words to adequately express how excited I am to be working at Bryan College in the fall. For the past 5 years, I've been entertaining the thought of returning to my alma mater and taking the place of my mentor, Bernie Belisle, after his retirement. It's been something I've had in my mind as my "impossible dream," one I wanted so badly that I was afraid to fully admit it to people. Only a few trusted souls knew how desperately I hoped for this dream to be fulfilled. And once the search process actually began, I was even more afraid...because now, it was real. Now, instead of just a hypothetical, it was a legitimate chance of being rejected and realizing I had to find another dream to take its place.

But God is so good. That's really all I can say. 

He listened to me quietly whispering my fears and worries and flooded my heart with peace. Throughout the entire on-campus interview (which, by the way, was one of the most draining things I've ever experienced), I was honestly calm and confident. Sure, I had normal amounts of nerves...but compared to how I NORMALLY react to stressful experiences like that, I know without a doubt that He was walking beside me every step of the way. 

As someone who grew up in church, you hear the phrase "If what you want is in line with God's will for you, He will always grant the desires of your heart." It's such a humbling moment when you realize that something you wanted so much was what God wanted for you too. What a wonderful feeling.

Song #1: Don't Give Up On Me, Illenium

***This song doesn't actually have any deep meaning to me getting my dream job...but when I heard it I had a beyond AWESOME idea for how to use it in my concept for Hamlet (which is one of my dream shows I want to direct), so I guess in a roundabout way it does have significance :)***

If you can teach 6th grade for 9 weeks and survive, you can teach college for life.

-Meg Puckett

The other major life event that occurred during March 2018 was me, teaching 6th grade.

Yeah, you heard me correctly. Almost everyone I've told has immediately raised their eyebrows and said, "You.....teaching kids? Shouldn't you know better?"

And in reality, I would agree with you. Kids are not my strong suit; they never have been. But in a whirlwind of events which I won't go into here, I found myself agreeing to become a 6th grade teacher for the last 9 weeks of the school year. It's a very small private school in my hometown...I only have 7 students. And they are all wonderfully unique and have their individual challenges. But every single day has been a total adventure and we're learning together. It's definitely not the job I would have EVER chosen for myself, but it gives me a purpose while I'm at home and keeps me extremely busy, which is a good thing. Plus I have some amazing stories from it...and you know me, I'm a sucker for a funny story about my life. 

Song #2: Bridges Burn, NEEDTOBREATHE

It's time for moving on

There's some things you can't forget

It's sinking us like a stone

I just wanna bury it

I wanna watch all my bridges burn

Stand in the rain til the page is turned

Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned

I wanna leave everything that hurts

Never go back to the way we were

Set it on fire baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Burn it all, set me free

And let the smoke blow on out to the sea

I need to find somewhere I can believe

I need to know there's a chance we can be

We must not be passive and allow joy to dissipate by looking backward at our sins and failures or forward at what might happen to us...In doing this, we place our hopes in the wrong thing, namely ourselves. It is our option to look to the greatness and goodness of God and what He will do in our lives.

-Dallas Willard

The reminder of March was filled with much more mundane, but no less meaningful, moments in my life. 

We celebrated my mom's 62nd birthday. 

We had unexpected snow days--three of them in fact--which provided a wonderful reprieve when we thought winter was over. 

I've been moving forward with rehearsals for The Importance of Being Earnest, which opens in 2 weeks. 

My family has been very busy with Easter services preparation at church, and this past week saw the fruits of that labor. I'm thankful that I was able to participate in them after so many years of being gone for the holiday.

But something that's stuck out has been random reconnections with people I've grown apart from. One such example: I went out with my 3 best friends from high school since we were all in town at the same time. Ever since I graduated in 2009, we've made a point to get together when we can, even though 2 are married and one lives out of town. It's a tradition I look forward to and appreciate that somehow we've managed to keep our bond intact over the years. However, we almost always go out to dinner and then a movie. But this time we randomly said "Why don't we go bowling?" And it was the most fun we've ever had. I hadn't laughed that much in a long time. Such a sweet memory for me for sure.

It's easy to find yourself, in those moments, saying "I wonder what life would have been like if I had stayed in touch better with this person, or if I had made a different choice in this particular situation." Everyone has those thoughts. I definitely have had them quite a lot over the past month. In these reconnections, I often ask myself what other life stories I could have instead of the one I'm living right now. But those questions usually only bring about anxiety and an overwhelming sense of despair, because you can't change the past and nothing you do now will affect it in any way. So I've been trying to let go of those thought patterns and instead, focus on the joy of the present and excitedly anticipate the future that's waiting for me in just a few short months. I have SO much to be joyful about. There's absolutely no reason to stay drudged in the past "what ifs" and "could have beens." It's taken me some time to get to that point--in all honesty, within the last week--but I'm finally looking at my life with a clarity I've been lacking. I'm so ready for what's next...whatever that looks like. I'm ready.

Song #3: Cold as Stone, Kaskade (ft. Charlotte Lawrence)

I see it in your eyes

You're seconds from destroying me...

Can't take another lie

Stop telling me who I should be

So I'm cold as stone

The only way I know

To keep my soul

And never let it show

So let me, let me out

I can't love you anymore

Let me, let me ou

I don't love you like before 

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.

-Madeleine L'Engle 

And that pretty much wraps up the month of March. It's crazy to think that I've been living at home for almost 5 months now, and how much has happened in my life in that amount of time. 

So much good. 

So much crazy. 

So much ridiculous. 

So much anxiety.

The last thing I'm going to say is this:

I've stumbled across a song that literally calms my heart and removes my anxiety every time I listen to it. 

I want to urge you to take the time to actually click on this link and listen to this song. 

If you struggle with wondering what your future holds, if you have ever felt your thoughts spinning out of control and have been burdened with crippling anxiety, this song is for you. 

Trust me. 

It will speak to your soul, as it has to mine.

Song #4: P E A C E, Hillsong Young & Free

You will stay true

Even when the lies come

Your Word remains truth

Even when my thoughts don't line up

I will stand tall

On each promise You made

Let the rest fade away

There's a peace far beyond all understanding 

May it ever set my heart at ease

Dare anxiety come, I'll remember

That peace is a promise You keep

You will stay true

Even in the chaos

Your Word remains truth

Even when my mind wreaks havoc

You are PEACE to a restless soul

PEACE when my thoughts wage war

PEACE to the anxious heart

That's who You are

You are PEACE when my fear takes hold

PEACE when I feel enclosed

PEACE when I lose control

That's who You are

I've found peace far beyond all understanding

Let it flow when my mind's under siege

All anxiety bows in the presence 

of Jesus, the Keeper of Peace

and peace is a promise He keeps

February 2018: Major Milestones

FEBRUARY 2018

"Everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for."

-Unknown

I usually LOATHE referring to quotes that don't have an author attached to them. Cause it means literally anyone could have come up with the cliché statement...but in this case, I am making an exception. This quote is actually the background on my laptop. And I feel like it completely encapsulates what the month of February has been for me.

This month has been, in all honesty, some of the most insane 28 days I've had in a long time. Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Yeah, right, every single thing Lex experiences is totally dramatic and insane and over exaggerated.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. 

IT HAS BEEN INSANE.

I spent the first few days in Dayton, Tennessee. The main reason for my trip was to discuss a possible summer theatre job. However, it ended up being a whirlwind weekend where I tried to see every single person I knew in town in 2 days. I may have been exhausted but it was SO worth it. I was able to reconnect with almost all of my favorite college professors, see a theatre production at my alma mater, and have coffee dates with many people that I love. 

I came home and found out that I had been cast as Cecily Cardew in my community theatre's production of The Importance of Being Earnest, and my best friend Kelly was cast as Gwendolyn. We were both so excited, and I was especially thrilled to play a character that is SO far from my typecast. We're in the midst of the rehearsal process now and it's crazy fun to be onstage once again.

Song #1: Normal, Sasha Sloan 

And I know this isn't like me

I just want people to like me

Got my glass up in the air

And I act like I don't care...

And I'm just part of the crowd

But I feel better now, so-

Keep on playing that song that I don't like

I just wanna feel normal for the night

Keep on kissing that guy that's not my type

I just wanna feel normal for the night

However, tragedy soon struck...and when it struck, it did so as hugely as it possibly could.

Tragedy #1. My laptop (named Ron Swanson....if you've never watched Parks and Recreation then you won't get the reference) I've had for 7 years abruptly crashed. Hard drive: gone. 7 years of my life: gone. So I take it to a data recovery place, and they assure me they can get almost everything, if not everything, off the hard drive and give it back to me. I won't lose any of my documents, photos, videos....it's all good.

Tragedy #2. My dad lends me his laptop in the meantime, and for about a week I'm making it work. Then, for no apparent reason, HIS LAPTOP CRASHES. Hard drive: gone. Everything: gone. I SWEAR to you that all I was doing was watching Netflix. Oh, and I ordered some eyeglasses on it. THAT IS IT.

So just call me the Laptop Killer, because I made two laptops crash in less than two weeks.

Needless to say, I had to buy a new computer (which needed to happen anyway) so hopefully I'm good for another 7 years. Name still TBD....suggestions are welcome. 

Tragedy #3. Literally the same day laptop 2 dies, I'm driving to Walmart, and I'm texting my friend Caleb about how to fix the computer. (I know, I know, I'm an idiot). 

Well I get pulled over by a cop for texting and driving. While he's talking to me, he looks on my windshield and notices my inspection sticker is expired. And not just by a few days or a week. No, it expired in December. (I honestly had no idea.)

So he gives me not one, but TWO TICKETS. I GOT MY FIRST AND SECOND TICKET AT THE SAME TIME.

To say I was pissed was an understatement. So now I have to go to court. #mylife

(I mean, if I was gonna get a ticket, it's fitting it was for texting, right?)

So yeah. February 6 was not a good day for me.

Song #2: Scars, I AM THEY

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

 I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

Wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

February was also a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light. Without giving unnecessary details, within the 4 weeks of February, I had my past dragged back into my present, my future surprisingly peeking through the clouds of uncertainty, and my present just being.......a muddle of emotions and feelings.  It felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out. But I think God was trying to prepare me for what was about to unfold during the month, because joy and peace were so badly needed during those few weeks. 

I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.

-Valley of Vision

Feelings and thoughts always go together. They are interdependent and are never found apart. There is no feeling without something being before the mind in thought and no thought without some positive or negative feeling toward what is contemplated.

-Dallas Willard, Renovations of the Heart 

During February, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with a woman who has become a kind of mentor to me over the years. I babysat her children growing up, and every time I come home I make a point to go see her and catch up on our lives. As I've grown older, she's become a very dear friend and I can't explain how much I love her and value her godly, wise advice throughout my countless struggles and worries. 

One on Sunday afternoon, we sat down and I poured out my heart to her about a situation that was weighing me so far down I felt I couldn't breathe. She let me talk for literally 2 hours, and then gave me words of wisdom I so badly needed in that moment. It totally changed the way I have been thinking about my life and my future...and I wish I could do something even half as meaningful for her. She made this comment to me, and it has stuck with me ever since.

"Alexis, your life is a tapestry; lovely and beautiful and a true work of art. But right now you are trapped on the ugly, ridiculous back side; all knotted up and choking on the mess that is everywhere you turn, in every direction. It looks terrible and an overwhelming web of tangles. But eventually God's going to flip that tapestry over, and you'll see your life for what it has always been meant to be. Every single thread will have joined together to make something truly breathtaking. And all you can do in this moment...is wait."

Song #3: Three, Sleeping at Last  

Maybe I've done enough

Finally catching up

For the first time I see an image of my brokenness

Utterly worthy of love

And I finally see myself

Through the eyes of no one else

It's so exhausting on this silver screen

Where I play the role of anyone but me

And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

Now I only want what's real

I set aside the highlight reel

And leave my greatest failures on display

With an asterisk:

"Worthy of love anyway"

There's been some really sweet moments during February, and both involve babies! My pastor and his wife welcomed their first child, James Henry Small, into the world. This baby was long prayed for and I'm so glad he's finally here. In addition, my childhood best friend Libbie found out her and her husband Scott are expecting their first child. Libbie and I have been praying for God to give her a baby for a very long time, and this is such an exciting thing...and I'm so so so glad that I get to be here with her during this time. 

And I think that wraps it up. Everything else that happened in February is under wraps for the time being....hopefully in March I'll be able to share more on those subjects.

Two months down, people! Ten to go! 

Song #4: If There Is Light, It Will Find You, Senses Fail

I guess the best thing I can do with my time

Is love every minute of life...

How do I forget you?

If there is light, I hope it finds you

How can I forget you?

How can I forget you?...

I'll never forget our love, I'll never forget our love

If there is light I hope it finds you

If there is love I hope it finds you

Let the good deep inside you

Let your love be the thing that defines you

There's Always A Reason.

I know it's only halfway through February, but guys.....literally so much has been happening in my life.

I didn't fully realize it until yesterday. I had randomly texted a friend to tell her I missed her, and she said, "So what's been going on with you?" I began listing everything that had happened in the last few weeks...and as I sat there, looking back at the insanely long and unbelievably ridiculous saga that is my personal life, I found myself wondering "Why me, and why now?"

I'll give you the briefest of overviews, cause I wanna save some of this for my recap at the end of the month. Suffice it to say that along with getting two tickets (yes, at one time), starting rehearsals for a show at my community theatre, and destroying two separate laptops in two weeks, I also had several people from my past randomly pop back into my life and throw my emotions into a sort of chaotic mess.

Like I said, RIDICULOUS.

And here's the thing. I know that it feels like everything comes crashing down right at the moment when we're making the most progress and feeling the best about ourselves. It's so easy to get caught up in feelings of "this would only happen to me" and "why can't my life be simple like everyone else's," but there's something that I've been learning over and over again, especially in the last few weeks. Brace yourself, cause it's painfully simple.

Everything we are experiencing is always for a reason.

Everyone knows this. Everyone says this. But I, for one, am so guilty of failing to live it out on a daily basis. I spout it off but immediately go back to my "comfort zone" of anxiety and longing for control.

...And then I wonder why I'm stressed and emotional, lying in bed at 4 am unable to sleep because I'm thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation in my life. Geez.

Here's an example. Last night was one of those sleepless nights. Without going into too much detail, I was very weighed down by some of the situations unfolding in my life.

Have you ever had a night where your brain just won't shut off? It's the weirdest, most frustrating feeling. You're lying in bed trying to figure out if you actually fell asleep at one point or if you had really just been awake this whole time. Your head is churning through cycles of "what-ifs" until you roll over and see the sun's out...and it's morning...and you feel like you literally slept for 5 minutes.

Maybe it's just me. (But I seriously doubt it.)

Anyway, I woke up this morning and, honestly, felt dead. After struggling through a shower and getting ready for the day, I was still in a fog of exhaustion and finally resigned myself to the fact that this day was a bust. I was worthless mentally, felt close to worthless emotionally, and totally depleted physically.

A few minutes later, I get a text from a friend who said, "Can we talk? I just need a friend right now." So I call them and we talk for about 30 minutes. It was so wonderful and encouraging, hopefully for both of us.

I hang up with them and say "Ok, I'm glad I could be there for them. That's nice." But then my mind quickly turned back to my own set of problems and worries. (It happens to the best of us.)

Five minutes later, my phone rings and it's another friend. I pick up and they say, "Can I just vent real quick about some things?" So we had a 30 minute conversation, and again, it was great.

I hang up and say to myself, "Man, today is the day for being there for my people. And I love that!" And then it just hit me....

I think God had these people call me, one after the other, so that I would be reminded, in a roundabout way, that I'm not the only one struggling. Yeah, there's a lot going on in my life and I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the emotions I'm experiencing from it, but I'm not alone.

No one is alone. (That's an Into the Woods reference, if you're not a musical theatre geek like me.)

And it all just clicked. I may be exhausted and didn't sleep at all, but there are other people in my life that can relate. And when they call me to say, "This is how I'm feeling and how I'm struggling," I can be that friend who responds, "GIRL. I so know what you're going through."

And I'll mean it.

January 2018: Press Restart

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

As a new year is beginning, I find myself feeling that 2018 is going to be a really important chapter in my life. And instead of waiting until December to write a "wrap up your year" blog post, I decided to do a monthly check-in on my story; what I've been experiencing, what I've learned and how I'm growing. It's nothing fancy or incredibly deep; just something simple that will list the most memorable events that occurred, songs I loved, quotes I stumbled across, and books I read. But I do think it's important to be able to own your story and admire the progress you've made, as well as the setbacks you've encountered. Who knows, maybe some of you reading this are going through similar times in your own lives and will be encouraged by my own experiences.

(If anything, the music is worth a listen. I've included the links to each one if you haven't heard them already. I like to think I have preeeeeetty great taste.)

JANUARY 2018

Think about where you were last year.

Think about the things

that used to worry you so much

that no longer consume your mind and time:

the relationship that wasn't healthy,

the stress of what this year would be like,

the things you never thought

you would accomplish but did...

all of those things are worth being grateful for,

and are beautiful reminders

that you are going to be okay.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

The first month of the year has turned out to be one of new things. I realize that sounds pretty typical of a New Year, but I'm serious. Most of the memorable things that happened to me in January were things that involved something new, something I hadn't experienced before.

Song #1: Press Restart, WALK THE MOON

Head-heart malfunction

Maybe it's not an ending

Maybe it's a beginning

Up-shift, and the wind in my face

I could use a little time and space

Just broke the hell out of my heart

Press restart, press restart

I spent the first whole week of 2018 at home, completely alone. My parents were at the beach, but I had chosen to come home earlier for New Year's Eve. Because I was just chilling at home, there were a few days that I literally didn't use my voice at all. Some people might think that sounds horrible, but I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there.

Song #2: This is Me, "The Greatest Showman"

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be

This is me

Other positive memories from the past month included FINALLY getting a new iPhone (which has been named Sol...after one of the characters in a new favorite TV show Grace & Frankie). I also convinced my parents to watch the Harry Potter series for the first time, which was super fun for me to be a part of. I had my first Skype interview for a theatre position, which I'm very excited about. I auditioned for a play at my local community theatre and dragged a friend along with me. Still waiting to hear the results from that! I had countless coffee dates with one of my closest friends in Appomattox. This friend is also responsible for introducing me to The Crown, which I immediately loved. It ended up uncovering a fascination for British history I didn't know I had.

Song #3: Bye-Bye Darling, BORNS

Ooh, ooh, ooh

We had a good run darling, don't you cry

ooh, ooh, ooh

Know in the end it's gonna be just fine

ooh, ooh, ooh

In the end it all feels like a dream

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Someday we'll find out what it means

And every time I think of you I'm so glad

What we had they'll never know

Bye-bye darling

There were also some difficult moments throughout the month. I dealt with a show opening at Tech that, for the first time in over two years, I'm not a part of. It wasn't that I wanted to be there necessarily, although I do wish I could have supported my friends and professors by going to see the production. I became reacquainted with the burden of hurting for friends over things you can't control. Part of growing older is watching people you love make their own choices, and choosing whether or not you want to love them through it. I learned how to handle anxiety about my future and how to hold my dreams with my hands open. God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly.

God never places us in any position in which we cannot grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.

-Nicole Whitacre

Song #4: Drawn to You, Audrey Assad

After everything I've had

After everything I've lost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

After everything's been said

After everything love cost

Lord, I know this much is true

I'm still drawn to You

I read a book called Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, and to be honest, it's one of the best books I've ever come across. She focuses on how we should be living loved in the midst of rejection, heartache and recovering from past hurts. I could share a million quotes from the book that I loved, but this is one of the most impactful ones. You know, the kind of quote that when you read it, you just sit there staring at it...because it's like those words were written just for you.

Here's the deal...when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I'm desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I'm constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don't just feel like I'm losing them...I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself as well...The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.

-Lysa TerKeurst

This could perfectly describe the way I've chosen to live my life in past years. And now I'm desperate to change the destructive cycle in which I found myself. The past month has done so much good for me in so many ways, and I'm beyond excited to see what February holds in store. 

Song #5: Wilson (Expensive Mistakes), Fall Out Boy

This song has absolutely no meaningful attachment to this post or to the past month....I just really like it. ;) 

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you,

Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you

Just Enough Light.

It's funny how things happen sometimes.

I'll be honest--lately I've been feeling kinda weird.

Now that the holidays are over, life is getting back to normal, and I find myself still at home, still not working, still just....here. Without a sense of direction or purpose.

Again.

Every day TimeHop reminds me of where I was a year ago, and how different my life looked in comparison to where I am now.

But I really am trying to have a positive attitude.

I think I've said this before, but when I first got back to Appomattox I was overwhelmed with the realization that I needed to take time to find myself again. The past year changed me a lot, and I desperately needed a span of time to just be alone and sift through the emotions, thoughts and memories I had sitting around my heart and mind.

And I've been doing that. I've been spending a lot of time writing, reading, and trying my best to, as cliche as it sounds, trust the Lord to show me where I'm supposed to be going from here.

Saying you're trusting Him is a whole lot easier than actually believing it, though.

Fast forward to this morning. I'm sitting in my room on my couch, curled up in the corner with my Bible, my journal and a book I'm currently reading. It's called "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurst, and it focuses on how to release fear of the unknown and fear of rejection in our lives. Pretty good read.

Anyway, at the end of the chapter she wrote a prayer. In this prayer, she said,

"Though the long path is uncertain, You are so faithful to shed just enough light for me to see the very next step. 

I now understand this isn't You being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of Your mercy. 

Too much revelation and I'd pridefully run ahead of You. Too little and I'd be paralyzed with fear. 

So, I'm seeking slivers of light in Your Truth just for today and filling the gaps of my unknown with trust."

I sat there processing these words. He gives us 'just enough' light. Not enough to see everything that lies ahead, but just enough to take a step forward. And it's true, if I knew all of my future, I'd probably have a meltdown. He knows what I need. He knows how much I can handle at this particular moment.

So I got up from that time today feeling some peace about where I am at right now. Yeah, maybe I don't know where I'm going to find work. Maybe I don't have any idea what's going to happen in my life in the next few months. But when the time is right, He's going to shed the perfect amount of light on me, and I'll know what to do.

Well...guess what happened right after that?

I got a phone call from a potential employer about an interview for tomorrow.

This afternoon I got an email from my dream job for the fall, letting me know they're starting the interview process that will hopefully spread out over the next few months.

I also got an email inquiring about my interest in a summer theatre gig.

This all literally happened hours after I said something along the lines of, "God, I'm tired of trying to figure this out on my own. I really do want to trust You to guide me."

Sometimes He really pours it on thick because we're too stupid to see it.

Yeah--today was a good day. I may have not made huge amounts of progress, but it turns out I had just enough light to take the first tentative step towards my future.

How cool is that?

2017: A Year of Learning.

"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way...I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently."

-Donald Miller

As another year draws to a close, I've been trying to think of a way to process everything that's happened in my life over the last 12 months.

In the past, I try to focus on the funny moments of the year, the cute memories and experiences that have left me smiling. I post pictures or tweets, quotes or song lyrics that sum up my life at that time.

But this year is...different.

It's difficult to look back at who I was on January 1, 2017 and who I am now...363 days later. So much has changed. Things that I never thought would happen have happened, and things I had every confidence in have been shattered. Unlikely friendships have been formed, and lifelong friendships have been torn apart.

This year was one that I have trouble talking about, for a variety of reasons. But I know that I need to.

I could definitely find pictures and memories that would give you the impression that 2017 was a year of nothing but laughter, friends and countless exciting milestones to celebrate. It wouldn't be dificult.

But when I look back over 2017, I have to focus on what I learned, on the ways I grew as a person. And most of that isn't funny or pretty or cute.

You wanna know what just really irks me about 2017?

Before the year even began, I had made a list of New Year's Resolutions, and I was way too excited about living them out. I'll write them down here for you to appreciate, because when I look at them now-a year later-I'm filled with a mixture of satisfaction and heartache.

1. Tell people how you really feel about them.

2. Take more risks.


I can tell you that in no uncertain terms, I fulfilled those resolutions. And it didn't quite turn out the way I thought it would. Isn't that always how it goes, though? The things we think we want most end up being the source of our sorrow.

"Life is messy. Many of us are left reeling from our messes, knocked off-kilter when life takes a turn from the scripts we've plotted out for our lives. Why are we so caught off guard by the fact that life is chaotic and unpredictable?...We deny the possibility that God intended the difficulties of life to become a small part of His bigger story. We cannot accept the idea that the heartbreaks and hurdles are meant to become trophies of His grace rather than secrets to be buried."

-Vicki Courtney

I have to be honest with you, reader. I have tried multiple different approaches to writing this post. And every time I write something, I end up deleting it. Because there's just no good way for me to explain what this year ended up being in my life.

As I sit here in front of my computer, staring at a nearly blank page, I'm asking myself the question:

What was 2017 for me?

2017 was a new beginning; a fresh start where I could have complete confidence in who I was and what I wanted out of life, out of relationships, out of my future.

(Reality: Within two weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of that, especially with regards to relationships. And the decisions I made in those first initial days of January ended up drastically affecting how the rest of the year unfolded. It's a huge part of my year, but I'm not going to spend time hashing through that again. It's in the past and that's where it needs to stay.)

2017 was a time to make lasting memories with my friends from Louisiana Tech. We traveled to New Orleans for a weekend. We had countless family dinner nights. We celebrated everyone's birthdays and loved each other as much as we possibly could.

2017 was the closing chapter of my time in graduate school. I tried my best to learn all I could from my final classes. I successfully passed my comprehensive exams without having a total meltdown. I soaked in every last second I could at this wonderful place.

2017 was the year I turned 26 and realized that I'm closer to 30 than I am 20 now. And that was a weird realization. I'm still young, but I'm not as young as I was. It's a little terrifying.

2017 was the year I spent a summer struggling, plain and simply. I struggled through an exhausting theatre gig. I struggled to make long distance connections stay alive. I struggled to let go of people that were no longer meeting me halfway. I struggled to accept the things I could not change about the 6 months that were behind me, and to forgive myself for decisions I made during that time. I struggled to embrace the remaining 6 months as something new and exciting, instead choosing to cling to memories of a past that was not going to be in my future any longer.

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, 

and forgetting that you are special too."

-Ernest Hemingway

2017 was the year I unexpectedly lost my best friend. To be honest, I'm still not quite sure what happened, but it's been a year since we've spoken. I read somewhere, "If you're not losing friends, you're not growing up," and while I believe that's true...it still catches me off guard sometimes to think she's not in my life anymore.

2017 was the year I learned it's impossible to let go of someone who's standing right in front of you, even if you want to. It's ridiculously hard to heal from being hurt when that hurt is staring you in the face every single day, taunting you and making your heart ache constantly. It's something that I never hope to experience again.

"When I began holding onto God, it became easier for me to let go of depression. 

When I began holding hands with love, it became easier to let go of you. 

When I began fitting my fingers in the space between the future's fingers, it became easier to see how the past is over, and understand that time doesn't look back."

-Pierre Jeanty

2017 was the year I found myself at home again, living with my parents and feeling stuck. But I'm realizing that with everything I've been through, it's exactly what I need right now.

"She understood that the hardest times in life to go through 

were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another."

-Sarah Addison Allen

What have I learned from 2017?

I've learned that it's ok to not be ok. (Just don't let it last forever.)

I've learned that I have to stop putting my happiness in the hands of others and allowing them to determine the way I view myself, my worth and my future.

I've learned that sometimes you have to just take time for yourself to stop, press restart and figure out who you are again.

I've learned that our deepest aches and darkest secrets can become a blessing in disguise.

I've learned that true friends will never leave you, no matter how much distance is between you and how much time goes by.

I've learned that I can let go of a person without letting go of the memories I have with them.

I've learned that better things are ahead than any we leave behind.

I've learned that your pain always has a purpose...and eventually everything will come together the way it's supposed to.

I'll be honest with you. This year I think I lost sight of who I am and what I really want out of life. I allowed myself to be engulfed in a few unhealthy relationships that made me feel insecure and that I was second best. I forced myself to believe that in order to make others happy, I had to give them what they wanted. I forgot the person I used to be and became distracted by a way of life I had never wanted before.

But as December 31 winds down, I'm not really feeling that depressed or overwhelmed. Instead, I feel a great deal of hope and anticipation that 2018 is going to be full of new beginnings, fresh starts, and renewed perspectives.

I think some years are more difficult than others, and some years serve as a catapault to get you where you need to be for the next step of your life.

2017 has been both of those things. But it's time to let the past be the lesson it was meant to be, and look forward to the New Year with all of its potential to change my life forever.

Gosh...I can't wait.

One day you will wake up

and all of the waiting

will have made sense.

You will realize

that all of the prayers

that seemed to be

tangled in worries

were actually wrapped tightly

in God's grace.

You will realize that

even though before

you were certain it was over

you were actually...okay,

and everything that was

supposed to happen happened

and you are right where

you need to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

You are but now coming to the heart and beauty of your story.

-Jane Austen