Week #1: Words, Words, Words

(So I am beginning a new format of documentation this year. After some spot-on advice from Garrett, I have decided to select one picture from my week and write a blog post about it, attempting to encapsulate the experiences and memorable moments from the past 7 days.)

My 2016

Week #1

Words, Words, Words

To be perfectly candid with all of you, this week has been beyond difficult for me. I feel like I tend to say that a lot, but in this case I mean it wholeheartedly. I left my mini-vacation with the Keck family in Tennessee and drove back to Ruston, extremely unprepared for school to begin again. 

Since Louisiana Tech is on the quarter system, we only have 2 weeks for Christmas break. Maybe this isn't a valid excuse, but I spent 5 years in college with a month long holiday, and in my opinion, my body and brain are still in "relaxation mode."  Monday morning arrived with an overwhelming dread of what was to come; work hours, classes, homework, and rehearsal. I was happy to see familiar faces once again, but with those reunions came the knowledge of impending work and exhaustion. As my week began I found myself already tired, already frustrated and basically, already done with the rest of this quarter. Not the best way to make a fresh beginning in 2016.

Two of my New Year's resolutions were to read more and to listen to music, and while I haven't been able to do as much as I would like, it's already more than I've done in the past. Through the difficulties of this week, God has opened my eyes to several things that I desperately need as this year begins. The title of this blog post is "Words, Words, Words," and I feel that the above picture encapsulates what has meant most to me about this week. Several moments that stood out to me have originated from words on a page or lyrics from a song, and I don't think that's a coincidence. 

One of those moments came from a book I recently began reading: Scary Close by Donald Miller (who is one of my very favorite authors). His book is all about finding true intimacy in relationships by dropping the facade we attempt to parade in front of others. The first few chapters are filled with underlined passages that I adore, but one of my favorite quotes so far is this:

Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us.

I find this utterly convicting. Like so many others, I too am guilty of pretending I'm a certain type of person when inside, I'm the complete opposite. My true self is shrouded by a desperate attempt to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted by those around me. You'd think at 24 I would have a better sense of self-confidence, but when I really dig deep, I find that I'm just as insecure as a 13 year old. Maybe a better goal in 2016 would be to allow the true Lex to shine through, and not give a crap about the reactions of others. So what if my beliefs don't line up with everyone else's? So what if my tastes in music or movies or books differ from theirs? I am me, and I'm exactly as I'm supposed to be. It's time for me to own it.

Another defining literary moment from this past week came from my devotional book, I Want To Live These Days With You by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. 

How can we make a fresh start? "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back..." (Luke 9:62) One who guides a plow does not look back--or into the immense distance--but to the next step that must be taken. Backward glances are not a Christian thing to do. Leave fear, anxiety, and guilt behind. And look to the one who gives you a new beginning.

Um, hello. Our society is OBSESSED with looking back. We have TimeHop for gosh's sakes. I'm just as guilty of this. Everyday I have to make sure I've not only scrolled through TimeHop, but the Facebook On This Day app and every other form of "What did I post on social media on this day for the past 5 years?" We're constantly choosing to look at the past and reminisce on what was instead of charging ahead into the amazing unknown future we have waiting for us! This is me chastising myself most of all. Why am I always glancing behind me, trying to hold onto every moment of my life before now? I have so much life left. So much ahead. Gosh, we're all so stupid. I'M stupid.

Finally, I recently purchased a CD by Kari Jobe, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christian artists. It's an old album, but one of the songs has become my battle cry for this week (and probably for much longer). It's entitled "Find You On My Knees."

Troubles chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking; God, I'm looking for You

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing; God, I'm longing for You

But I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness

You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

And what if heartache still remains

I'll trust You; my God, I'll trust You

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that

You lift me up, You never leave me searching--

I find You on my knees.

The phrase that I absolutely adore from this song is:

"I will find You in the place I'm in." 

It has truly become my motto. How comforting it is that we can find God exactly where we are; whether that be a place of struggle or frustration, a place of joy and contentment, a place of sorrow and heartache, or a place of indifference and difficulty.  

We find Him where we are.  I really don't think I can say that enough. We find him in the place we're in, and all we have to do is take His outstretched hand.

It has been such a relief to me this week, knowing that despite the place I'm in, despite the monumental struggle I have experienced everyday to get out of bed and do what is required of me, that the Lord has allowed me to find Him and loves me regardless. 

Here's to an even better week starting tomorrow, my readers. May you be inspired by the words you read, the lyrics you hear and the God who is waiting for You to find Him.