Week #30: Oh, How He Loves.

My 2016

Week #30

Oh, How He Loves.

Love has turned into such a cliché. We shy away from talking about it because we think it makes us appear weak, overly sensitive or out of touch with reality. I'm just as guilty of it; so often I cover up my love of love for fear of being too girly, of being a stereotypical love-crazed female. For some reason, I think that brushing aside the concept of love will make me look more stable or better equipped to succeed in life. Love, who needs it? It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Except it is.

Over the last few days, I've felt that the concept of love--specifically God's love for me--has been thrown in my face at every possible turn. It's funny how God will plant a thought in your mind, and then that thought will continue to be woven into your life until you finally get the hint and work through the kinks. That's been my life lately. In church this morning, the sermon was about finances....but every lyric of music that I heard throughout the entire service was about love. His love. His love for us. His love for me.

Oh, how He loves.

Such a basic concept. Something we're taught from day one of children's church. We say the phrase "Jesus loves me" without even thinking about the incredible weight that sentence holds. 

He. Loves. Us. 

The other day, I was talking to someone, and I made the offhand remark that I love who I am. I like to think of myself as a confident, strong, self-assured woman. I like to imagine that I have a pretty firm grasp on who I am and who I want to be. But that's not entirely true.

Sometimes I remember who I have been in the past; When I do, the mistakes I've made and the weight of my regret makes my heart so heavy that I often can't breathe. That's hardly the portrait of strength and confidence I prefer to emulate. 

So...maybe I don't love who I am. Maybe, instead, I love who His love has made me. I'm still a jumbled-up mess of heartache, "if onlys" and a longing for second chances...

But regardless, He has taken my mistakes and turned them into lessons I needed to learn. 

He has taken my regrets and turned them into reasons for thankfulness. 

He has taken my sorrow and turned it into contentment. 

And He does this, all of this, because He loves me. 

Oh, how He loves.

I mean, really. The God of the universe, the Creator of everything, chooses to love me; a pathetic, shallow, empty shell of a woman who can't go five minutes without royally screwing up. 

How do we so easily forget something so terribly overwhelming?

My friend Michael sang the song "How He Loves" this morning, and the words from it have been mulling around in my mind for the past few days. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, there's a certain part of the song that always brings tears to my eyes. 

We are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

And I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

That He loves us.

The last sentence, though. 

I don't have time to maintain these regrets.

I don't have time to regret the teenage years of rebellion and angst towards my parents.

I don't have time to regret an addiction that has plagued me throughout high school, college and will always be a constant struggle in my adult life.

I don't have time to regret countless broken relationships, the loss of which I mourn on a daily basis and long for a chance to make things right.

I don't have time to regret the insincerity I too easily produce in my dealings with others.

I don't have time to regret the selfishness I battle in pursuit of my own ambition.

I don't have time to regret the distance and apathy I so often experience in my faith.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets because...

He loved me before these.

He loves me through these.

He loves me because of these.

He loves me in spite of these.

Oh, how He loves.

My prayer for you, dear readers, is that you will be reminded and, consequently, overwhelmed at the deep, deep love of Jesus today. May He find a way to show you that you are His beloved, regardless of your past. He loves you. 

Oh, how He loves.

Week #29: Last Night of Summer.

My 2016

Week #29

Last Night of Summer.

Well.

I'm sitting here, in my little cozy apartment, trying to think of an adequate way to sum up what this summer has meant to me. 

Now that I'm looking back on the last 8 weeks, it's hard to believe that everything really happened the way that it did. It seems ridiculous that just last week, we were performing the show that I never thought would come together, to large audiences who responded very positively. It seems incomprehensible that two entire months have gone by and I have lived every single day in between.

Where does time go? That's such a cliche statement, but really...how have 8 weeks already come and gone; all of the experiences, the stress, the tears, the burdens, the joys, the friends, the accomplishments, the victories...now just a distant memory?

The past week was a complete blur (as so many of my weeks seem to be). We had 7 performances, all of which went off without any major hiccups. It was great to sit behind the production table and realize that I had actually done it...I had done what I never thought I could do. It was a wonderful feeling, and I am extremely glad that I chose to take this opportunity. It was all worth it in the end. 

Then again, isn't it always? 

I'm sad to leave tomorrow. Tennessee has always had my heart for various reasons throughout the years, and now is no different. There's something inherently special about this state, about this town. It holds so many amazing memories for me, and now I can add this summer to the bank of treasured moments from this "little mountain town."

This has been a summer of sunshine,

of friendships,

of confusion,

of facing my fears,

of accepting challenges,

of putting myself out there,

of letting my hesitations go,

of being open to possibilities,

of repairing what was broken,

of loving those near me,

of making new friends,

and so much more. 

Yeah. I'd say it was a major success.

Week #28: Just One Of Those Weeks.

My 2016

Week #28

Just One Of Those Weeks. 

Dear readers,

This week was.........something else. That's really all I can say. It consisted entirely of technical rehearsals, a flurry of costumes, figuring out how to adjust sound levels and fervently hoping I wouldn't royally screw up this production.

And you know what? Opening night went really well. The crowd was responsive, the cast was energetic, there were almost no technical difficulties (I know, right?) and I felt really great about it. Despite all of the frustration, the long nights and the miscommunication throughout the entire process, I was thankful I had decided to be a part of this project. It was all worth it in the end.

.....Until yesterday, when we had two shows in one day. I figured it would be rough, but I was totally unprepared for the level of exhaustion I felt. There was also a situation with one of the actors that was uncomfortable and unpleasant to deal with. Being the stage manager, I was the one who had to confront them and resolve it. The conversation didn't go well and as a result, I was severely distracted throughout the second show. Thankfully, we were able to patch things up afterwards, but by that time I was completely drained emotionally and the thought of doing another show today made me want to weep. I was tired of managing these people; I was so irritated by their attitudes and neediness. All of the things I had felt so good about the night before now seemed ridiculous. Why did I even take this job? With the exception of one cast member and my ASM, every single person involved in this production grated on my nerves. I had been hired to do one thing and suddenly found myself doing 7 other jobs as well. I wasn't being paid enough for this. Worst decision ever, Lex. 

Today I woke up with a sore throat and the feeling that I'd slept for 5 minutes. When everyone arrived at the courthouse, it soon became clear that the entire cast was running on fumes. Jim did his best to pump up everyone's energy, but the entire show felt like an uphill battle. I felt like I made about 100 mistakes; the lead singer's mic stopped working after intermission and we couldn't change it. Our director came over to the production table and was talking loudly to us during the show, right next to where audience members were seated. Actors dropped lines and the pacing was agonizingly slow. I missed a few lighting cues because we were trying to fix the mic problem and you know what? I actually CAN'T do everything by myself! That's not how this is supposed to work! Every single aspect of this show seems to be resting on my shoulders and I'm sorry, but I'm not good enough for that responsibility.

Oh, and guess what? Jim has given Friday's brush-up run through rehearsal over to me. He won't be there, and told the cast that I was going to be directing/stage managing/running the production table. 

Cause I needed one more thing on my to-do list.

*sigh*

But the show concluded, we all went home, and I'm currently sitting in my bed, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and reveling in the silence. We made it through weekend #1, and thankfully our director has given us 4 days completely off. I am going to sit by the pool, read a lot, spend time with friends and try not to think about packing up all of my stuff to go home in a week. I'm praying that these few days without thinking about the show will help to clear my head and regenerate my spirit. 

Cause gosh, I need it. 

4 shows down. 3 to go. 

Almost there.

Week #27: Blur of Contentment.

My 2016

Week #27

Blur of Contentment.

Man, this past week has been so great.

Friend-wise: After Naomi left, my best friend Morgan from Appomattox came to stay with me for 4 days. Morgan is so good for me. I force her to slow down and be lazy for a little while, and she knows how to keep me calm and even keeled when I'm stressed. Even though it felt like I constantly had rehearsal, we still managed to have a great time together. We drove to Chattanooga and spent the day exploring the city...it was wonderful. Friends that you can try face masks with, complain about jobs with and laugh at the Mindy Project with are something to be treasured. 

As soon as she left, one of my closest and dearest friends from Bryan came to visit, Megan Darr. She was my suite mate for 2 1/2 years in college and we spent literally everyday together while in school. I hadn't seen her in over a year (which was completely unacceptable) and it was so refreshing to spend time with her for a few days. It's hard to explain how encouraging it is to see someone after 13 months and picking up exactly where you left off. Friends that you can sit in complete silence with for hours without feeling awkward is a beautiful thing. 

Job-wise: This past week began technical rehearsals...and with that change also came additions to my list of responsibilities. I learned how to operate the lighting and sound boards. I learned how to follow a calling script and be completely responsible for all technical elements of the production. I learned how to keep my cool when actors are being complete butt heads. Basically, I finally feel like I'm doing something important in this job and am excited for the performances. It's nice to not feel completely frustrated and overwhelmed overtime I go to rehearsal. 

This week was a blur. It consisted of 

friends coming and going, 

laughter, 

pictures, 

memories, 

rehearsals, 

answering questions, 

deep breaths, 

Goodbyes,

"See you soons,"

and a lack of sleep.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Week #26: Nothing is Wasted.

My 2016

Week #26

Nothing is Wasted.

I'll be honest. This week has been pretty doggone rough. The situation in which I find myself this summer is very frustrating and filled with people who take me for granted, expect me to do everything and are unnecessarily rude. I will be the first person to say that I see the inherent value of the experience; I know I'm learning more about myself and my strengths/weaknesses through it. However, it is emotionally draining and I have come home almost every night just....weary, both physically and mentally. 

This weekend was a bright spot in the midst of the gloom-my dear friend Naomi came to visit. Her laughter, encouragement and loyalty were just what I needed to remind me of what's important in life. I am so grateful for her. :)

Today, the pastor at church was talking about Saul and how God completely changed his life; only through his past mistakes could he really be used by the Lord in an incredible way. The pastor said, 

"Jesus doesn't waste anything in your life."

Such a simple statement, but such a wonderful reminder. God uses every part of our life to prepare us for what we are created to do. 

Every mistake, 

Every failed relationship,

Every bad decision,

Every unkind word, 

Every negative attitude,

Every frustrating person...

Even my summer job that was nothing like I anticipated and completely saps out my motivation and love of theatre with every rehearsal...

Even that is being used for a specific reason and is molding me for something later on. 

It's still going to be difficult, but at least now I know at the end of the day, I can look back on this experience and see how it has helped me to grow as an artist and as a child of God.