What's Wrong With Being Confident?

My 2016

Week #2

What's Wrong With Being Confident?

Yes, I realize that the title of this post is from a Demi Lovato song. I usually try to avoid admitting things like that...however, this is the perfect line to sum up what the past week has been for me.

Here at Louisiana Tech, we are smack dab in the middle of rehearsals for Sleeping Beauty, which is a massive children's fairytale extravaganza. Along with being an Assistant Director and in charge of the 7-9 year old group, I also choreographed 6 of the dances for the show. This past week has been dubbed Choreography Week; in other words, every night I had to clamber up on the stage and attempt to teach people how to move in a coordinated and graceful fashion. Needless to say, I'm utterly exhausted.

This isn't my first time creating and teaching choreography. I danced for years and choreographed numbers for all ages and all types of performances. However, this was my first time taking a leading role like this at Tech. I'd never had to direct or instruct these people; they were mostly my peers, and I felt a little awkward about it.

Looking back on the beginning of this week, I realize that I'd forgotten an important element in teaching, in directing, in theatre: Act like you know what you're doing and everyone will follow you. In other words, fake it till you make it. (Sorry for the cliché.)

In my Directing class, we're reading a series of essays by Anne Bogart entitled "A Director Prepares."  One of the quotes we read this week really jumped out at me in light of the current events transpiring.

When I am lost in rehearsal, when I am stymied and have no idea what to do next or how to solve a problem, I know that this is the moment to make a leap. Because directing is intuitive, it involves walking with trembling and terror into the unknown. Right there, in that moment, in that rehearsal, I have to say "I know!" and start walking towards the stage. During the crisis of the walk, something must happen; some insight, some idea...The walk creates a crisis in which innovation must happen, invention must transpire.

And folks--that was me all week. There were so many moments where something wasn't working, something didn't look right...and I had to make that terrifyingly short walk from my seat to the stage, frantically thinking of what I could possibly do to improve the situation. Most of the time I didn't have an idea when I started the walk. But I've learned through experience (and Bogart) that even if I don't know the exact remedy, I suggest something, ANYTHING, in a confident and bold manner. Most of the time, people will adopt your confidence and follow your direction. 

I started out the week with a huge fear of failure and of losing the respect of everyone involved. But at the end, I have learned to have confidence despite a lack of innovation, and to lead without wavering despite a lack of certainty. It all worked out just fine, and now I have a valuable skill under my belt for future endeavors.

Here's to a brand new week, my readers. May you have the confidence to accomplish all of your goals, no matter how terrifying they may seem at first. 

After all, there's nothing wrong with being confident. 

Week #1: Words, Words, Words

(So I am beginning a new format of documentation this year. After some spot-on advice from Garrett, I have decided to select one picture from my week and write a blog post about it, attempting to encapsulate the experiences and memorable moments from the past 7 days.)

My 2016

Week #1

Words, Words, Words

To be perfectly candid with all of you, this week has been beyond difficult for me. I feel like I tend to say that a lot, but in this case I mean it wholeheartedly. I left my mini-vacation with the Keck family in Tennessee and drove back to Ruston, extremely unprepared for school to begin again. 

Since Louisiana Tech is on the quarter system, we only have 2 weeks for Christmas break. Maybe this isn't a valid excuse, but I spent 5 years in college with a month long holiday, and in my opinion, my body and brain are still in "relaxation mode."  Monday morning arrived with an overwhelming dread of what was to come; work hours, classes, homework, and rehearsal. I was happy to see familiar faces once again, but with those reunions came the knowledge of impending work and exhaustion. As my week began I found myself already tired, already frustrated and basically, already done with the rest of this quarter. Not the best way to make a fresh beginning in 2016.

Two of my New Year's resolutions were to read more and to listen to music, and while I haven't been able to do as much as I would like, it's already more than I've done in the past. Through the difficulties of this week, God has opened my eyes to several things that I desperately need as this year begins. The title of this blog post is "Words, Words, Words," and I feel that the above picture encapsulates what has meant most to me about this week. Several moments that stood out to me have originated from words on a page or lyrics from a song, and I don't think that's a coincidence. 

One of those moments came from a book I recently began reading: Scary Close by Donald Miller (who is one of my very favorite authors). His book is all about finding true intimacy in relationships by dropping the facade we attempt to parade in front of others. The first few chapters are filled with underlined passages that I adore, but one of my favorite quotes so far is this:

Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us.

I find this utterly convicting. Like so many others, I too am guilty of pretending I'm a certain type of person when inside, I'm the complete opposite. My true self is shrouded by a desperate attempt to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted by those around me. You'd think at 24 I would have a better sense of self-confidence, but when I really dig deep, I find that I'm just as insecure as a 13 year old. Maybe a better goal in 2016 would be to allow the true Lex to shine through, and not give a crap about the reactions of others. So what if my beliefs don't line up with everyone else's? So what if my tastes in music or movies or books differ from theirs? I am me, and I'm exactly as I'm supposed to be. It's time for me to own it.

Another defining literary moment from this past week came from my devotional book, I Want To Live These Days With You by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. 

How can we make a fresh start? "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back..." (Luke 9:62) One who guides a plow does not look back--or into the immense distance--but to the next step that must be taken. Backward glances are not a Christian thing to do. Leave fear, anxiety, and guilt behind. And look to the one who gives you a new beginning.

Um, hello. Our society is OBSESSED with looking back. We have TimeHop for gosh's sakes. I'm just as guilty of this. Everyday I have to make sure I've not only scrolled through TimeHop, but the Facebook On This Day app and every other form of "What did I post on social media on this day for the past 5 years?" We're constantly choosing to look at the past and reminisce on what was instead of charging ahead into the amazing unknown future we have waiting for us! This is me chastising myself most of all. Why am I always glancing behind me, trying to hold onto every moment of my life before now? I have so much life left. So much ahead. Gosh, we're all so stupid. I'M stupid.

Finally, I recently purchased a CD by Kari Jobe, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christian artists. It's an old album, but one of the songs has become my battle cry for this week (and probably for much longer). It's entitled "Find You On My Knees."

Troubles chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking; God, I'm looking for You

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing; God, I'm longing for You

But I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness

You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

And what if heartache still remains

I'll trust You; my God, I'll trust You

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that

You lift me up, You never leave me searching--

I find You on my knees.

The phrase that I absolutely adore from this song is:

"I will find You in the place I'm in." 

It has truly become my motto. How comforting it is that we can find God exactly where we are; whether that be a place of struggle or frustration, a place of joy and contentment, a place of sorrow and heartache, or a place of indifference and difficulty.  

We find Him where we are.  I really don't think I can say that enough. We find him in the place we're in, and all we have to do is take His outstretched hand.

It has been such a relief to me this week, knowing that despite the place I'm in, despite the monumental struggle I have experienced everyday to get out of bed and do what is required of me, that the Lord has allowed me to find Him and loves me regardless. 

Here's to an even better week starting tomorrow, my readers. May you be inspired by the words you read, the lyrics you hear and the God who is waiting for You to find Him. 

Resolutions; The Mini Edition.

At this very moment I'm sitting in the Keck family's kitchen. I'm sitting in the corner, watching Kim and Steve Keck cook chicken fajitas while Pandora plays in the background. They're catching one another up on their day, and I'm enjoying observing their life together.

Today has been a different New Years Eve for me. I'm not with the people I'm normally around this time of year, and I'm in a different place. But emotionally, I'm having the exact same reaction. Every year on New Year's Eve, I get super melancholy because a year is ending, so much has happened to reflect on, and the thought of going through another 365 days is exhausting. I don't want to say goodbye to 2015. I'm not ready to let go of everything that I went through.

But I have to. 2016 has so much possibility, and it's time to start looking forward. Even if the thought of what might happen terrifies me. So, here's my New Year's Resolutions.

#1. Listen.
 For a music major and avid lover of all things music, I really don't spend that much time actually listening to it. But I'm bringing my record player to school and my vinyl collection. Instead of watching Netflix every chance I get, my resolution is to spend at least 30 minutes of my morning or evening listening to a record.

#2. Read.
I have adored books since I was a child, and I used to spend hours reading everything I could get my hands on. Being in school sort of makes that difficult, but once again I could limit my TV time and instead try to read a book or two.

#3. Journal.
I used to do that everyday without fail and have recently lost my motivation. However, I know that one day I will want to remember what happened in my life during this time and so I am determined to improve on this. I'll be glad I did.


There should be more, but this is all I can think of right now.

2016: Hello.

Dear 2015: Love, Me

A few days ago I was sitting in a hair salon, waiting on my hair dye to soak in. I started scrolling through Facebook (as I usually do) and came across a blog written by someone I went to college with, Garrett Lemons. 

(Garrett and I were at Bryan for a few years together, and he's really close with my best friend Emilie, but I never got to know him. Looking back, I wish I had. He seems pretty cool.)

Anyway, I saw that his last few blog posts were entitled "Letters to 2015," and I was intrigued. I began looking through each one and loved the concept behind the project. Garrett had written a letter--sometimes short, sometimes long--each day of December. The letters were always addressed to something that he needed to process from the year 2015. And 26 blog posts later, I had decided to try my hand at this writing prompt.

But...I didn't want to wait until December 2016. And I certainly didn't want to dig through my journal and social media activity from the last 12 months. (Timehop can't always help a girl out.) So I decided to make up my own variation of this idea. In this blog post are 15 things that I feel sum up my 2015; places, people, and mundane objects that had an impact on my life for the past year. I am attempting to write a short letter to each one...plus a letter to myself. Believe me, I need it.

***

Dear Chickfila,

I fought my entire teenage life to avoid working for you; all through high school and college I managed to remain outside of your chicken-taloned grasp. However, God has a sense of humor and only when I graduated college with two degrees did I end up behind your counter. What irony, huh? 

Thank you for teaching me about patience, perseverance and positive attitudes. 

Thank you for helping me understand humility to a painful level and how to be thankful for job security.

 I'll never forget the lessons, but to be honest, I'd be okay if we never worked together again. No offense, seriously.

Dear 905 Teaberry Lane Apartment #7,

My first apartment. You were so wonderfully weird. The hallway outside of your door never smelled the same twice, and your peephole was off center (which drove OCD me crazy). Your parking sucked, and your inability to function without heat in a blizzard was disappointing.

Thank you for having terribly thin walls so I could hear the man next door reciting Indian chants while I took a shower, or so Emilie and I could listen to the man yelling at his fiancé on the phone at 4 am. 

Thank you for Coughing Guy and his not-so-subtle way of telling us it was time for bed...every night...at 10:30 pm. 

Thank you, Apartment #7, for helping me to becoming an independent and responsible woman. I still think of you often, and I believe I always will. You were my first...and you never forget your first.

Dear Clive,

I'm so thankful for you. Now that I live in Louisiana, I don't think I could make a 16 hour drive without you. It's taken some time, but you've become my faithful companion. The memories made inside your doors are far from exceptional, but we'll get there. 

Thank you for not holding a grudge against me after we first met. I know I was less than enthusiastic about you. You have to understand--Worf was my baby. He had been there for everyday of college. I fit 12 people in there one time. I went out on dates with my boyfriend in Worf. I took road trips with my best friends in Worf. He had all of those memories living inside of him. I saw you and I realized I'd have to start all over. It was overwhelming...but I'm over it now. 

Thank you, Clive, for helping me to make a fresh start. Let's rack up some miles, boy.

Dear Bryan College,

2015 was great--I got to see a lot of you, much more than I anticipated. And I was totally fine with that. I knew going into this year that my relationship with you was forever changing. My last few close friends were about to graduate, and with their departure would end my time as an alum that students would still recognize. At first I thought it would be terribly difficult, but as the months have gone by I have realized that it needs to be like this. You aren't the same place anymore, just as I am not the same person I was while with you. Maybe someday I'll fulfill my dream of teaching for you, but until then our relationship has to change.

 Thank you, Bryan, for still being my home away from home. You changed my life forever, and I'm eternally grateful.

Dear Boy Who Broke My Heart,

2015 was when you got engaged. I knew it was coming, thankfully, and had been trying to prepare myself for it. But when the day arrived, I was a wreck inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm over everything that happened between us. It's been 2 years. But there's just something about knowing that a person you loved, a person you were intimate with, is pledging their life and love to someone other than you. Even if you don't want it anymore. 

Thank you for forcing me to let you go. It was a long time in coming, and although it hurt deeply, I needed that final push. You seem truly content now, and if happy is her...I'm happy for you. 

Dear Emilie,

This letter could be pages long and still not encompass everything we went through in 2015. So I'll just say this. We lived together again, and not a day goes by that I don't wish we still did. Despite the terrible job experiences we both seemed to have on a daily basis, knowing that at the end of the day we would be in our apartment, living life, made everything okay. I'm so grateful for the time we had.

Thank you for proving my hunch that we're perfect roommates, even outside of a dorm room.

Thank you for putting up with my horrendous Diet Coke addiction.

Thank you for Netflix binges.

Thank you for Chili's dates.

Thank you for living everyday life with me for so much of 2015. I love you.

Dear Justin,

2015 was a weird year for us. We were as close as ever, but you were struggling with so many things and I couldn't be there for you like I wanted to. You told me everything, and yet I had nothing to say. Things were happening that I had prayed for for years, but I was terrified of what came next. You were fumbling and drowning and I couldn't save you. Oh how I wanted to. But God is so incredibly faithful, and He has transformed you into a man that I am so proud of and love even more. 

Thank you for being the vessel that God used to show me prayer is powerful.

Thank you for always trusting me with the burdens and trials of your life.

Thank you for holding my hand when we walk together, even though people stare.

Thank you for having such a patched history with me. Our friendship story is complicated and full of rips and tears, but when you hold it up to the light of grace, it is a gorgeous tapestry of new beginnings and a deep brotherly love. I adore you.

Dear Josiah and Karen,

You two were such a huge part of 2015 for me. It seemed as though every other weekend you guys were at our apartment, cooking breakfast for dinner and watching Criminal Minds, complaining about DW and wishing you didn't have to go back to school. Emilie and I loved having you stay with us. I wish, more than anything, that we could have another weekend just like that. You made us feel special and wanted, and that our friendships were valuable to you.

Thank you for asking me to be in your wedding. It's still one of the biggest honors of my life.

Thank you, Josey, for having me play in your senior recital. It meant so much to me.

Thank you, Karen, for being my pen pal. I absolutely live for your letters and smile the entire time I read them.

Thank you for continuing to love me, even from afar. You are both tried and true friends.

Dear SETC,

You terrified me. To be honest, you still do. I can honestly say that going to see you in March was one of the top 3 most stressful days of 2015 for me. I had no idea what to expect, and I was convinced that no one would want me. Theatre was a pipe dream: I was going to spend the rest of my life working at Chickfila.

Thank you for proving me so, so, so wrong. 

Thank you for overwhelming me with positive feedback.

Thank you for pointing me towards Louisiana Tech.

Thank you for giving me a chance to see that my dreams aren't impossible.

Dear #threeburritos,

I can't even remember how that hashtag was created...but oh, how I love it. You two are literally some of my most favorite people on earth. I never laugh harder than when I'm with you, and yet I know I can cry with you if I need to. Easter 2015 was one of the best weekends of my entire year. You made the drive 1000 times easier, you made the annual dinner with Jesus 1000 times funnier, and you made taking Easter pictures 1000 times more photogenic. Having friends like you changed my life forever.

Thank you for food being one of the foundational pillars of our friendship.

Thank you for car trips that include soul-baring secrets and tear-streaming laughter.

Thank you for seeing my family in their natural habitat and still loving all of us.

Thank you for our obsession with Goodwill.

Thank you for being my burritos. I don't know what I would do without you.

Dear Donald Miller and Philip Yancey,

Your books got me through 2015. I was determined to read more, and I'm so glad I did. Yancey, your book "The Jesus I Never Knew" forever changed my perspective of Christ and the man He was. Miller, your book "Searching For God Knows What" gave me serious food for thought while adjusting to life in my parent's house once again. 

Thank you for stretching my mind and challenging my heart to think more deeply.

Thank you for giving me lots of quotes to write in my quote journal.

Thank you for being amazing writers. You inspire me.

Dear Louisiana Tech.

You want the brutal truth? I arrived on campus on day one and immediately wanted to leave. You weren't what I was expecting or what I wanted. But I've since realized you're what I need. Even if I find myself still fighting you at times.

Thank you for growing me in ways I didn't think I could.

Thank you for giving me professors that can help me to improve as an artist and to finally figure out my dreams.

Thank you for teaching me how to survive insanely far from everyone I love.

Thank you for forcing me to be brave, independent, self-relying and strong.

Thank you for making me explore my introvert tendencies. 

Thank you for giving me a kick in the butt to grow up and get over it, cause this is life and it's hard.

Dear Funny Girl soundtrack,

I don't know why I'd never listened to you before, but I found you on Spotify and never looked back. Fanny Brice is such an inspiration to me (aside from her whole marriage to a gambler thing) and it is still my dream to play her on stage one day.

Thank you for allowing me to butcher you in the car on road trips.

Thank you for never judging my total lack of lung capacity on the last note of "My Man."

Thank you for letting me pretend to be as good as Barbara Streisand. I appreciate the sympathy.

Dear The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Fringe, Pretty Little Liars, OUAT, Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, 30 Rock and countless other shows,

I have to admit...including you as an important part of my year is a little embarrassing. But I can't deny it; we spent a LOT of time together in 2015. Emilie made me start watching Grey's, The Bachelorette and Fringe, and then my life as I knew it ceased to exist. Netflix and Hulu have been the death of my productivity.

Thank you for giving Emilie and I so many hours of nail-biting suspense.

Thank you, OUAT, for being the first TV show that Emilie and I started together, at the same time. It's kind of a big deal for us.

Thank you, The Bachelor, for allowing me to make so much fun of you. (I have to mock you because I can't really admit that I like you. You understand, right?)

Thank you for always being there. I can always count on you for one more episode.

Dear Alexis,

Well. You did it. You've made it through another year. And this one's been kind of a doozy. Living in Knoxville was such a great decision, even if literally nothing worked out like you planned. It taught you to be independent and self-sufficient. These are things you wanted to be but hadn't yet taken the plunge. I'm proud of you. You earned your own living and paid your own bills. That's a big deal.

You also learned how to let go of a lot of things this year. Things that you should have let go of a long time ago. Be thankful for the friends in your life, Lex. They are amazing people that have proven time and time again that they'll never leave you, even if they're not with you. It's a beautiful conundrum; don't waste time wishing things were different. Things are wonderful exactly as they are.

Then grad school happened...and your world was once again shaken. I know Tech can be a bit overwhelming at times. I know you're often frustrated and lonely. But you're growing so much here. I mean, you're in your mid-20s now. You don't need another college experience. You had one and it was perfect. Take this experience for what it is and run with it. Focus on finding your dream, your long-term career goal and do what you must to make it happen. Grad school is for accomplishing your goals. Do it. Don't look back.

With regards to relationships, I'm pretty proud of where you are right now. You don't really give a crap about boys and romance and happily ever after. Some people might say this isn't the healthiest approach, but I think you're doing just fine. You know what you want to do in life, and another person is just going to slow you down. Don't completely give up on the idea, but there's more than enough time for that. Live your life. YOUR life. They can wait. You have things to do.

Lex, I know you hate change. And 2015 has had so much. Maybe you haven't always handled it in the best way (let's not forget that time you cried for 2 hours straight after finding out you had to move to Louisiana by yourself). But you got through it, which is all anybody can ask for. You have grown this year. You have been stretched this year. I couldn't be more proud of you.

I would say let's start looking towards 2016 and all that will happen...but I know you and that's not smart. 2015 has been exhausting and you need time to think (aka freak out) about the 365 new days coming up. 

Here's to 2015, Lex. You did good, kid. 

Confessions of an Overwhelmed Graduate Student.

So I've been at Louisiana Tech for a month now. 4 weeks into my masters program....

And you want the honest truth? It's a love/hate relationship.

When I first arrived on campus, I immediately wanted to go home. I felt isolated, lonely and completely out of my element. At the risk of sounding cliche, I couldn't feel God on this campus, and that was something I definitely was not used to. As much as I didn't want to, I kept comparing it to Bryan College and all I found was disappointment and loneliness. My dorm room was horrendous, our bathroom was dirty and gross, and my roommate snored so loud that I literally didn't sleep for a few days. Great way to start the new life adventure.

I went sobbing to my parents and begged them to just take me home. This wasn't what I wanted, it didn't feel right. My dad said if I could stick it out for one quarter (ten weeks), and if I still felt the same way, then he would help me pack up everything and I could come home. This seemed reasonable to me...until my parents drove away and left me standing outside my dorm.

This was uncharted territory for me. When my parents dropped me off for freshman year of college, they were crying buckets and I was just ready to start my life at Bryan. I didn't cry at all. But now? Well, they turned the street corner, drove off and I realized that they were now 16 hours away from me. If I needed a weekend at home and just needed to get off campus....that wasn't a possibility anymore. Everyone was just too far away. And so I cried. A lot.

As the days went on, things slowly got a little better. I managed to move into an on campus apartment where I have a room by myself and can actually sleep. I've gotten to know the people in my class and my professors a little more and I'm gradually finding my place in the department. I don't think I'll be going home in 6 weeks.

But it's still so incredibly hard for me here.

Because of the program I'm in, the theatre department is my life. However, there are no Christians in the theatre department (that I know of). Due to rehearsals every night, I am unable to participate in any of the on campus Bible studies or Christian ministry groups that meet on a weekly basis. I've tried to meet some of the people other times, but it just isn't working. I have no way to meet Christian friends because I have no free time outside of the theatre.

After 2 weeks of being here, I discovered that one of the girls in my graduate class is a lesbian. In fact, her girlfriend is coming next weekend to visit.

A few weeks later, I found out that my director and one of my main professors is also a lesbian.

My professors curse constantly in class. Honestly. I don't know if I'll ever get used to hearing the F bomb dropped every other sentence in a lecture. Or "shit head" as a term of endearment.

I was sitting in the cafeteria with a bunch of theatre people, and they were literally going around talking about the first time they smoked marijuana.

We have rehearsals on Sunday afternoons as well, and so it's basically impossible to view Sunday as a day of rest anymore.

My professor has figured out that my parents are in church ministry and that I went to a Christian school for undergrad, and she throws that in my face whenever I say or do anything that's slightly sassy. I don't think she means it to be cruel, but I don't appreciate hearing "I guess that Christian education didn't do very much good, did it?"


So, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Grad school is teaching me so much about theatre. I've already grown leaps and bounds in the few weeks I've been here. But emotionally, spiritually, and socially? I'm struggling big time. This isn't what I expected. I'm trying to adjust and to view the positives. But it's very difficult.

And I have a feeling it's only going to get harder.

Singled Out.

While browsing Christian blogs, I stumbled across a post by John Acuff titled "Surviving Church as a Single." In his post, Jon designed a "The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard." He listed 40 different scenarios a Christian single might encounter in church. The goal was to add up the points based on your personal experiences. Here's just a few that jumped out at me.

1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. +1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it's combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!"

Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points

3. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points

4. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment, "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point

5. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor till the rapture." -1 point

Now, enough funny business.

***

Okay.

So, I'm single. Meaning I'm not married. I'm 24, a college graduate, and I'm not married.

And I couldn't be happier to be in my current situation.

However, it seems I am comfortable in my mid-20s single status anywhere I go....

Except church.

Now, I love my church. But after observation, talking with my peers and looking at the situation in many churches (not just my own), I am discovering that this problem is far-reaching and deeply affecting singles everywhere.

Let's be honest: The single Christian just doesn't have a place in today's church.

***

I've been researching what other people have to say about this issue. I found some pretty interesting stuff.

Sarah Thebarge says,

"There are more resources to support marriage and family than singles.

I went to a church...and several singles tried to get a singles group started. At first they were told no, because, 'as everyone knows, single groups are just meat markets.' Then they were told that 'the church doesn't need a singles ministry because no one would come -- no one actually wants to be single.'"

I have found this to be true in my own experience. Most churches have couple Sunday school classes, Bible studies for married women, a men's group that focuses on marriage issues, a marriage mentoring network, etc. 

I've not seen many churches that offer the same amount of opportunities for singles. 

Why is that?

Is it simply that most churches assume a single Christian is just a year or two away from reaching the ultimate goal of marriage? 

Do they generalize the fact that most young adults are happily married by their late 20s and as such, can just "make do" until their soulmate comes along? 

Sarah's church stated that "no one actually wants to be single." But where does that leave those men and women who don't see marriage in their near future, who aren't sure they will ever marry? 

Are they destined to work in children's ministry or the nursery for the rest of their life? 

Or maybe they can be the token single member of the women's bible study, quietly sitting in the corner while all of the married wives share housekeeping stories and laugh about their husbands' antics. 

Maybe they can be that guy who tries his best to contribute to the men's group, but comes up short when the topic always seems to center around loving your spouse.

This is a serious oversight, church. 

Dennis Franck, the national director of singles ministries for the Assembly of God denomination, said,

"The vast majority of evangelical and Pentecostal churches of any denomination are 'marriage and family focused.' That in itself is not a bad posture. Most Christian leaders understand the importance of marriage and the church's role in strengthening the family unit. The unfortunate reality, however, is that our marriage and family emphasis many times does not include single adults. This is not necessarily by design but is often by ignorance and neglect."

Today, I was talking to a friend about this very subject, and she pointed out that the church places an enormous emphasis on youth ministry. We are constantly working to make sure that our teenagers are in church, in the Word, and thriving in an active group of Christian brothers and sisters. Don't get me wrong, I agree that this is very important. But when these teenagers turn 18, leave for college, and then come back 4 years later...what is waiting for them? 

Well, when I graduated and moved back home, I had two options.

1) I could visit the college & career class.

(...Which, to be honest, didn't have any "career" members and only reminded me of everything I had just left behind. This is nothing against the teachers or the other people involved. But I wasn't a college student anymore.)

2) I could get married and choose between basically every other Sunday school class available. 

(...You see my dilemma.)

When you are a teenager, most of the time you're attending church or youth group because your family is involved. You are in church because your parents are in church. 

But when you become a college student and beyond, YOU are in charge and must decide what your level of involvement will be. 

You make the effort. 

You make the decision. 

But once you get up and make your faith your own, once you set foot in a church and look around for others like you...there's no one there. 

And to be frank? 

It's the loneliest place you could ever be. 

This is my struggle, folks. I adore my home church, but it is sorely lacking in this area. Tonight we had an hour long prayer service. During this time, a representative from each facet of ministry stood before us and explained how we could pray for their specific group. There was a time of prayer

for children,

for youth,

for men,

for women,

for senior adults,

for sunday school, and

for music,

.........but not once was a singles or college ministry mentioned, brought up or prayed over. And I don't believe it was a mistake. I believe that it was honestly not a priority. It's not on the radar and is not perceived as a necessity.

But, oh, fellow Christians, it is most definitely a necessity.

Tonight I looked around and realized that besides me, there are 2, maybe 3 other singles who are out of college and in the real world. 

It's not enough to classify us as a small group. 

Hey, it's probably not even enough to be a...group. 

But we still have needs. 

We are still isolated.

We are still lonely.

We are still searching for a place in the church; a place that embraces where we are in life and celebrates our current situation rather than pushing us towards the status quo of marriage.

We are still waiting for someone to create a branch of fellowship that makes us feel needed, loved and an active part of the body.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't have all the answers. 

But I'm tired of being "singled out" of the church. 

What are we going to do to fix this, believers? 

*insert clever title for insomnia inspired paragraph*

This is hardly a blog post. In fact, I've been lying in bed for awhile, trying to fall asleep.

It's more of a blurb, a thought bubble.

Tonight I had an email waiting for me from my future theatre professor at Louisiana Tech. She was excitedly talking about the "welcome new graduate students" barbecue meet and greet that would be held 2 days before classes start, on Labor Day. She also explained that new students would be meeting with her that day to be advised on classes and get all of the remaining information they needed before the quarter began.

I immediately panicked, because due to an out of town wedding in which I am participating, I will not arrive on campus until Tuesday sometime...which means I miss the barbecue, I miss meeting everyone, and I miss the advising session. It means I will be the last one to arrive, the last one to know things, and the last one to meet people.

It's me, so I'm freaking out on the inside. I hurriedly replied to my professor, but I'm still waiting for reply. I honestly don't know what to do about the situation. It's not how I wanted this next season of my life to begin; out of sorts, confused and alone.

So I tried to clear my head, push it out of mind and go to sleep. But this phrase from a song we sang in church this morning was blaring through my being, repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over. At first I thought it was just because I had heard it a few hours earlier. But suddenly the words repeated, ringing somehow louder in my mind.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, every fear is gone

I know He holds my life, my future in His hands.

I don't think that's a coincidence. Do you?

Even if I show up to Tech with absolutely no idea about anything, I don't need to fear.
Even if everyone else has made friends and I'm late to the bonding party, I can face tomorrow.
Even if it seems like nothing is going my way, He holds my life.

Maybe now I can sleep.