Week #7: A Letter From A Recently Converted Introvert.

My 2016

Week #7

A Letter From A Recently Converted Introvert.

Dear World,

Since I've arrived at Tech, a certain aspect of my personality has drastically changed. Well, to be honest, it's been slowly developing over the past 2 years or so, but I've noticed it more in the time I've been in grad school. 

World: I'm becoming an introvert.

*gasp*

And I finally admitted it to myself this past week.

Those of you who knew me before now are probably shocked. I was one of the biggest extroverts in college; always making plans and forming groups and sending out Facebook party invitations. I loved being with people, and you would rarely find me alone...ever.

But now, it's almost nearly the opposite. At the end of the day I cannot wait to come home and be by myself. I don't really have a desire to go out every night and stay up late with people, being exhausted and energy deprived. Whether that's because I'm getting older or because of my surroundings, I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm becoming more of an introvert everyday. And I'm not upset about it.

Don't get me wrong; I have made some wonderful friends here. The people in the theatre department are great, and many of them care about me in a way I don't deserve. But I still value my time to myself. I enjoy sitting in my room, writing in my journal, reading a book, watching TV...just unwinding from the day's events. 

I just need you all to understand that it's nothing personal. If you invite me to do something and I say no, it's not because I don't like you. It's not because I don't enjoy being around you. Because I do! But at the end of the day, I reenergize by being alone. I've spent my entire day with people around me, and I just really need to be silent. 

Please don't hate me for it. Please don't cut me out of your life or your friend group. And please don't make me feel guilty for not being as sociable as you are. I may not be there every time you hang out, but I will be there sometimes....and I want to know that I'm still welcome every once in a while. So keep inviting me. I promise I'll take you up on it one day.

This is new territory for me. I'm learning how to handle it appropriately. Be patient. 

Sincerely,

An Introvert That Still Wants To Be Friends 

Week #6: I'm Right Where I Need To Be.

My 2016

Week #6

I'm Right Where I Need To Be.

So, I admit that this picture is rather random, and doesn't have anything to do with my post. I took it last night at our One Day Only event, a ten minute play festival that a lot of our department was involved in. I went to see it and tried to take pictures, and this is one of my favorites...probably because it reminds me of how I feel about life on a daily basis. Give me my Snuggie, junk food and a Netflix show, and I'm set. Anyway.

The past week hasn't really felt like a full week. I came back from Mardi Gras break and realized that there's only 2 weeks left in Winter Quarter. I'm feeling pretty good about everything, though, because all of my major assignments are either done or nearly there. I'm in a good place, which relieves a TON of stress.

Most of you know by now that my adventure at Louisiana Tech has been far more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way; grad school is supposed to be difficult. But a lot of various elements have combined to create a tough situation for me, and while I have insanely good days, there are also insanely awful ones. I often have to remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end.

It's funny how things happen, though. Lately I've been feeling especially frustrated, for a variety of reasons. But one day last week I was in my professor's office, discussing a bunch of things, and he randomly said something to me that completely changed my attitude about everything. He said,

"Alexis, I want you to know that you should be proud of all you've done since coming here. You got here in the fall, and you jumped right into everything. I'm sure it's been rough, and probably still is at times, but you've done great work. I say this selfishly, but I have no doubt that you're right where you need to be, and when you graduate you will be more than ready to work in theatre--and do extremely well."

He meant it to be encouraging (which it SO was), but it also made me realize that Tech is exactly where I am supposed to be. It's a part of human nature to wonder if we've made the right choice, to question how we ended up at one place and not another, to ask ourselves what would be different if we hadn't made this decision. But I'm through wondering that. Louisiana Tech is preparing me for the career I have dreamt about, and I no longer doubt that I will be well-equipped and beyond ready to tackle whatever comes my way. 

And that is so incredibly reassuring, folks. You have no idea.

So here's to another week, my readers. May you find confirmation in your lives; may you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you need to be, and may you begin to shine and excel at whatever is placed in front of you. 

There's no greater feeling than knowing you're in the right place. 

Week #5: Reunions Heal Your Heart.

My 2016

Week #5

Reunions Heal Your Heart. 

This week was kind of a mixture of things. I spent the first half in school, basking in the glow of no rehearsal and free evenings to do what I wanted/needed to do, which was glorious. 

On Thursday I drove to Dayton, TN to spend my Mardi Gras break with my college roommate and best friend Emilie. Because she still works at our alma mater (Bryan College), I also had the opportunity to visit with old professors and friends that were still in school there. Bryan's theatre department had their winter show this week, so I was able to watch my theatre friends perform as well.

On Friday night, we had a surprise birthday party for my dear friend Drew (pictured above). He has literally become one of the most wonderful, amazing, loyal and steadfast friends I have ever had. I can't imagine him not being in my life.

On Saturday, I got to help my former theatre professor build a set for the upcoming opera performance. It was so much fun to show him how much I've learned since being at Tech, and for him to see that I'm growing into a true artist, able to do well in my craft and excel at what I love.

Today, Emilie and I had a long conversation over Sonic Happy Hour with Caleb Julin, a senior at Bryan. He was a freshman when I graduated, and I have loved watching his college experience from afar and to see the man he has become over the last 3 years. It was so wonderful to catch up with him and to not only laugh hysterically, but to also have a serious, thought-provoking conversation. 

Right now, at this very moment, I'm sitting on the couch watching Frasier with my best friend while she eats Taco Bell and we just enjoy being together. I don't know where life is going to take her in the next few months. I find myself selfishly hoping that she comes to Tech as well, but wherever she goes, I know we'll never stop being inseparable.

And that brings me to my main point of this post. On Friday, something happened that made me think back on friendships I have had over the years. I realized when I arrived that I had told basically no one that I was coming to visit...which is unusual for me. Drew came up to me and said, "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were coming!" I said, "I am so sorry, I completely forgot and I feel terrible." His response was:

"Lex, I am confident enough in our relationship to know that if you are in town, you will find me at some point. We WILL see each other, no matter what. It's how we work. I know you care about me."

It was a normal response, but it made me think. God has blessed me so richly with friends that are tried and true, unwavering and faithful, even though we live hundreds of miles apart and hardly ever see each other. 

God is so good to me. Friendship is a beautiful thing, and I'm so glad I have the opportunity for reunions that heal my heart and refresh my spirit. 

That's really all I have to say, readers. I realize it's not profound or deep or inspiring. But it's what my week has been for me.

Here's to a brand new week: May you be reminded of the people placed in your life for you to cherish, to love and to appreciate. They are beyond priceless.

 Hold them close and love them well. I know I will.

Week #4: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Thankful.

My 2016

Week #4

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Thankful.

I'm not sure where or how to begin this post. The past week has consisted of 8 Sleeping Beauty performances in 6 days. We opened Tuesday night, had both morning school matinees and evening performances on Wednesday and Thursday, evening shows on Friday and Saturday, then a matinee today followed by an event for families called Royal Tea. It felt like the week lasted 7 years, yet thinking back on it, seems like a blur of costume changes, kids jumping, and my hair turning grey.

The first half of this post is going to be about my kids. This entire experience has been a journey for me. When I first volunteered to be an Assistant Director for this show, the director assured me that I would be placed with the high schoolers. He knew I wasn't the biggest fan of children and that I didn't work well with them. However, the night we cast the show he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to switch you to another group." The reason he gave made sense, but my brain immediately began panicking. Children don't like me. I don't like them. This was NOT going to work.

First night of rehearsals arrived, and I quickly realized that these kids were....different. Theatre kids are energetic, full of life, and incredibly creative. They had personalities that leapt out at me and made me want to know them better. I began to think that this might not be as bad as I had convinced myself it would be.

Fast forward to this week. We had our challenges; there were many, many times when I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor because they could not FOR THE LIFE OF THEM WHISPER BACKSTAGE HOW IS THAT SO DIFFICULT. *sigh* But we made it. 

We struggled through the early mornings and the late nights. 

We trudged through the terribly stressful costume changes (getting 11 kids to change clothes by themselves is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life). 

We celebrated when the audience responded positively to our scenes. 

We were beyond thrilled when we performed for 1000 kids during one school matinee. 

We made it...and today, before our final performance, I told them, "I hope that this experience has taught you to love theatre and that it won't be your last show." And I sincerely meant it. 

These kids stretched me beyond my limit...but I'm much better for it now. I may have dreaded this process in the beginning, but now I'm thankful for the memories and the impact I hopefully made on these children.

***

Another stressful part of this week was the event I mentioned earlier, the Royal Tea. Due to some miscommunication and uncertainty, I ended up pulling the event together (with the invaluable assistance of a few other grad students) yesterday and today. It was, without a doubt, the most stressful experience of my time at Tech (and possibly of the past few years). I was completely thrown into the situation with no time to react or think...I just had to get it done. Bottom line. There was no escape, no alternate solution. I was in charge and it was up to me. 

And this is where the title of my post comes from. There were a few moments in the last 48 hours that I literally thought this would be the death of me. Even today, less than 30 minutes before the Royal Tea was to begin, there was a huge mishap that almost threw the entire event into shambles. I walked into the room and 3 of my cohorts were whispering in a huddle. They all looked up and saw me...and their eyes screamed, "Don't tell Alexis, she's going to have a meltdown."

However, after they delivered the bad news...

 I took a deep breath, a long sip of my Diet Coke and said "Ok. We'll figure it out." 

Those of you who know me know that I NEVER respond to stress in this fashion. EVER.

But I was calm, collected and managed to maintain my composure until the situation was resolved. The event proceeded as planned, everyone loved it, and it went off without a hitch.

My professor came up to me, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "You were magnificent. I'll never doubt you again."

And so that, my friends, proves that what doesn't kill you makes you thankful. So very, very thankful. 

Here's to a much less stressful and monotonous week, my readers. May your lives be filled with scenarios that not only stretch and grow you, but allow you to look back with gratitude on the experiences and what you have learned from them. 

It may not seem like it now, but it will be worth it in the end.

 I promise.

Week 3: It's The Little Things.

My 2016

Week #3

It's The Little Things.

If I had to use one word to describe this week, it would be

Grueling.

I have been pushing myself to the extreme for weeks now, and on Sunday night of this past week, I finally hit my limit. I didn't get sick exactly, but my energy level completely dissipated. The simplest task seemed excruciating and it took everything within me to get out of bed and into the office. Thankfully, my professors took pity on me and forced me to stay in bed, to relax, and to attempt to recover before we start the craziness of actual performances. So, for the first half of this week, I was teetering between sleep and a type of zombie-like existence. Fun stuff.

However, as this week has drawn to a close, I have been reflecting on the snapshots of life that occurred; the little moments I experienced that stood out to me. Sometimes, if you take the time to think about it, there are enough moments in a week to create a lasting impression and a sizable influence on your perspective.

So for me, this week was meaningful because:

I experienced the satisfaction of completing my entire to-do list for the weekend.

One of my kids in Sleeping Beauty was genuinely concerned that I didn't feel well.

It felt wonderful to watch my choreography for the show start to look like I had dreamed it would.

Another one of my kids drew a picture of her and I and gave it to me. (see above picture)

I'm finally finding my place in this theatre department and have friends that care about me, and I about them.

I laughed. A lot.

A parent from my group in Sleeping Beauty walked up to me and said, "I just want you to know that Sydney said her group is like her family, and she loves this show so much."

I had a great conversation with my director and mentor today during our cue-to-cue rehearsal, and he gave me a lot of insight into directing.

I learned how to pull costumes, sew on buttons, tack on wings, label, and cut tarp. 

I ended the week with burgers, laughter and advice from another professor and mentor, who manages to correct my idiotic notions without diminishing my zeal...something I truly admire about her.

So, even though most of my week was a blur from being exhausted beyond belief and slightly bed-ridden, there were more than enough meaningful memories to look back on and smile.

Life is precious. If only I always took the time everyday to remember moments like these.

Here's to a brand new week, readers. May you find snapshots of your life worth remembering, and may they make you smile, as mine have for me.

What's Wrong With Being Confident?

My 2016

Week #2

What's Wrong With Being Confident?

Yes, I realize that the title of this post is from a Demi Lovato song. I usually try to avoid admitting things like that...however, this is the perfect line to sum up what the past week has been for me.

Here at Louisiana Tech, we are smack dab in the middle of rehearsals for Sleeping Beauty, which is a massive children's fairytale extravaganza. Along with being an Assistant Director and in charge of the 7-9 year old group, I also choreographed 6 of the dances for the show. This past week has been dubbed Choreography Week; in other words, every night I had to clamber up on the stage and attempt to teach people how to move in a coordinated and graceful fashion. Needless to say, I'm utterly exhausted.

This isn't my first time creating and teaching choreography. I danced for years and choreographed numbers for all ages and all types of performances. However, this was my first time taking a leading role like this at Tech. I'd never had to direct or instruct these people; they were mostly my peers, and I felt a little awkward about it.

Looking back on the beginning of this week, I realize that I'd forgotten an important element in teaching, in directing, in theatre: Act like you know what you're doing and everyone will follow you. In other words, fake it till you make it. (Sorry for the cliché.)

In my Directing class, we're reading a series of essays by Anne Bogart entitled "A Director Prepares."  One of the quotes we read this week really jumped out at me in light of the current events transpiring.

When I am lost in rehearsal, when I am stymied and have no idea what to do next or how to solve a problem, I know that this is the moment to make a leap. Because directing is intuitive, it involves walking with trembling and terror into the unknown. Right there, in that moment, in that rehearsal, I have to say "I know!" and start walking towards the stage. During the crisis of the walk, something must happen; some insight, some idea...The walk creates a crisis in which innovation must happen, invention must transpire.

And folks--that was me all week. There were so many moments where something wasn't working, something didn't look right...and I had to make that terrifyingly short walk from my seat to the stage, frantically thinking of what I could possibly do to improve the situation. Most of the time I didn't have an idea when I started the walk. But I've learned through experience (and Bogart) that even if I don't know the exact remedy, I suggest something, ANYTHING, in a confident and bold manner. Most of the time, people will adopt your confidence and follow your direction. 

I started out the week with a huge fear of failure and of losing the respect of everyone involved. But at the end, I have learned to have confidence despite a lack of innovation, and to lead without wavering despite a lack of certainty. It all worked out just fine, and now I have a valuable skill under my belt for future endeavors.

Here's to a brand new week, my readers. May you have the confidence to accomplish all of your goals, no matter how terrifying they may seem at first. 

After all, there's nothing wrong with being confident. 

Week #1: Words, Words, Words

(So I am beginning a new format of documentation this year. After some spot-on advice from Garrett, I have decided to select one picture from my week and write a blog post about it, attempting to encapsulate the experiences and memorable moments from the past 7 days.)

My 2016

Week #1

Words, Words, Words

To be perfectly candid with all of you, this week has been beyond difficult for me. I feel like I tend to say that a lot, but in this case I mean it wholeheartedly. I left my mini-vacation with the Keck family in Tennessee and drove back to Ruston, extremely unprepared for school to begin again. 

Since Louisiana Tech is on the quarter system, we only have 2 weeks for Christmas break. Maybe this isn't a valid excuse, but I spent 5 years in college with a month long holiday, and in my opinion, my body and brain are still in "relaxation mode."  Monday morning arrived with an overwhelming dread of what was to come; work hours, classes, homework, and rehearsal. I was happy to see familiar faces once again, but with those reunions came the knowledge of impending work and exhaustion. As my week began I found myself already tired, already frustrated and basically, already done with the rest of this quarter. Not the best way to make a fresh beginning in 2016.

Two of my New Year's resolutions were to read more and to listen to music, and while I haven't been able to do as much as I would like, it's already more than I've done in the past. Through the difficulties of this week, God has opened my eyes to several things that I desperately need as this year begins. The title of this blog post is "Words, Words, Words," and I feel that the above picture encapsulates what has meant most to me about this week. Several moments that stood out to me have originated from words on a page or lyrics from a song, and I don't think that's a coincidence. 

One of those moments came from a book I recently began reading: Scary Close by Donald Miller (who is one of my very favorite authors). His book is all about finding true intimacy in relationships by dropping the facade we attempt to parade in front of others. The first few chapters are filled with underlined passages that I adore, but one of my favorite quotes so far is this:

Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us.

I find this utterly convicting. Like so many others, I too am guilty of pretending I'm a certain type of person when inside, I'm the complete opposite. My true self is shrouded by a desperate attempt to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted by those around me. You'd think at 24 I would have a better sense of self-confidence, but when I really dig deep, I find that I'm just as insecure as a 13 year old. Maybe a better goal in 2016 would be to allow the true Lex to shine through, and not give a crap about the reactions of others. So what if my beliefs don't line up with everyone else's? So what if my tastes in music or movies or books differ from theirs? I am me, and I'm exactly as I'm supposed to be. It's time for me to own it.

Another defining literary moment from this past week came from my devotional book, I Want To Live These Days With You by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. 

How can we make a fresh start? "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back..." (Luke 9:62) One who guides a plow does not look back--or into the immense distance--but to the next step that must be taken. Backward glances are not a Christian thing to do. Leave fear, anxiety, and guilt behind. And look to the one who gives you a new beginning.

Um, hello. Our society is OBSESSED with looking back. We have TimeHop for gosh's sakes. I'm just as guilty of this. Everyday I have to make sure I've not only scrolled through TimeHop, but the Facebook On This Day app and every other form of "What did I post on social media on this day for the past 5 years?" We're constantly choosing to look at the past and reminisce on what was instead of charging ahead into the amazing unknown future we have waiting for us! This is me chastising myself most of all. Why am I always glancing behind me, trying to hold onto every moment of my life before now? I have so much life left. So much ahead. Gosh, we're all so stupid. I'M stupid.

Finally, I recently purchased a CD by Kari Jobe, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christian artists. It's an old album, but one of the songs has become my battle cry for this week (and probably for much longer). It's entitled "Find You On My Knees."

Troubles chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking; God, I'm looking for You

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing; God, I'm longing for You

But I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness

You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

And what if heartache still remains

I'll trust You; my God, I'll trust You

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that

You lift me up, You never leave me searching--

I find You on my knees.

The phrase that I absolutely adore from this song is:

"I will find You in the place I'm in." 

It has truly become my motto. How comforting it is that we can find God exactly where we are; whether that be a place of struggle or frustration, a place of joy and contentment, a place of sorrow and heartache, or a place of indifference and difficulty.  

We find Him where we are.  I really don't think I can say that enough. We find him in the place we're in, and all we have to do is take His outstretched hand.

It has been such a relief to me this week, knowing that despite the place I'm in, despite the monumental struggle I have experienced everyday to get out of bed and do what is required of me, that the Lord has allowed me to find Him and loves me regardless. 

Here's to an even better week starting tomorrow, my readers. May you be inspired by the words you read, the lyrics you hear and the God who is waiting for You to find Him.